ADVICE.

Husband paints a bleak picture

Dear Miriam,

My husband and I met 10 years ago when we were students. He was studying art, I was studying accountancy and we both had dreams of being successful. Over the years he's sold a few paintings but has never managed to carve out a career as an artist and works as a cab driver to pay the bills. I've fared much better because I'm doing a job I love and getting paid well for it. I earn a lot more money than him and sometimes this causes friction. We love each other and I encourage him to stay strong and keep painting but I can see in his eyes that he feels left behind, deflated and defeated. How can I help him?

Juliet

Dear Juliet, Don't feel guilty about being a success. You've worked hard and earned it. Of course you want your husband to be equally happy and fulfilled but you can't control the way he feels. It's not a reflection on you. His lack of financial success isn't a measure of his talent. Very few people liked Vincent Van Gogh's paintings in his own lifetime, for example - he only ever sold one painting and that was to his brother. You need to make sure he knows how much you love and value him and his talents. Continue to be supportive while doing your own thing. As he's so passionate about his painting, has he considered sharing some of that passion with young people and becoming an art teacher?

His needy mum drives me crazy

Dear Miriam,

We can't get rid of my mother-inlaw since her divorce last year. She phones at least twice a day and calls round often. My father-in-law walked out on her and is living with another woman who's expecting his baby. My husband thinks I'm too hard on her while she's struggling to cope and says I'm unreasonable making a fuss. He refuses to see she's being too demanding and is hurting our marriage and family. How can we work this out? Janet

Dear Janet, Your husband is trying to make up for all the hurt, rejection and loss his mum is experiencing. Friends and family play a big part in the rebuilding process. But, for her to heal and be healthy again she must take responsibility for her life and even her loneliness. By giving her too much attention your husband may prevent this happening. However, she is going through a major life transition that cannot be rushed. Ask him to agree to encourage mum to find new friends and interests and she might start by contacting The National Council for the Divorced and Separated on 0044 7041 478 120 or visiting www.ncds.org.uk.

Our love is shop soiled

Dear Miriam,

I've been dating my new girlfriend for two months and feel we're falling in love. However, she recently checked her emails on my computer and forgot to log off. Although I knew I shouldn't have looked, I couldn't resist peeping at a couple of emails from a firm of solicitors. I was shocked to find they were about a shoplifting charge which had been dropped. This puts me in a difficult position as I'm a policeman. I can't look at her in the same way. What do I do? Should I say anything? Joe

Dear Joe,

You should never have violated her space. These charges have been dropped which could mean she was innocent or there wasn't enough evidence, or there were extenuating circumstances. You're the policeman. What do you believe? You either come clean and risk damaging the relationship or do nothing and let it eat away at you. If you think you can forget about what you've read and move on, do that. If you feel there's a question mark over her honesty and associating with her might place you in a compromising position, you'll have to speak out and see where it leads you.

Disease exposes a clever cheat

Dear Miriam,

My husband had an affair and gave me a sexually transmitted disease. We've been married nearly seven years and I never suspected him of cheating. There was no trail of evidence, no odd behaviour, no mystery phone calls. Nothing. We're still together but I feel I can't trust him. I still love him and don't want my daughter to have a broken home but am I wasting my time? Dora Dear Dora, The fact he had unprotected sex shows how cavalier he was about your health and feelings. Even though you still love him, if you have no confidence in his fidelity, leave the relationship. It won't be your fault if you can't give your daughter the perfect family. She's better off with two parents who love her but are apart than two who are together and are suspicious, angry and hurt.

Write to: Dr Miriam Stoppard, FREEPOST, Daily Mirror, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5BR.

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