ADVICE; LETTER OF THE DAY:.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Son's branded a bully

Dear Miriam,

I'm mortified that my 10-year-old son is called a bully. He's tall for his age and towers over some of the other children in his class.

I feel he's never given a chance and everyone has labelled him a troublemaker. At football practice, parents often shout "watch out for the bully" and he rarely gets a first-team place.

I know he's no angel but he often gets the blame for something he hasn't done. He can sometimes be difficult at home, answering back, but the biggest problems are at school. The head teacher has phoned me several times about him pushing other children in the playground.

Some neighbours don't talk to me any more because they say he has bullied one of their children. He says he just brushed passed them to get a book or his coat.

Last week, a parent knocked on my door accusing my son of stealing her son's mobile phone. My boy said it wasn't true and it turned out another lad was the culprit. We got no apology.

He cried for days when our cat was run over. He gets along with his little sister. They have their fights but also play together. What can I do to help my son build a better reputation?

Marie

Dear Marie,

Labelling people is something we're all guilty of and it's particularly distressing when a child is assigned a bad reputation. Once they start feeling isolated and thinking they're bad because they hear it all the time, they can quickly believe it and behave that way.

The reality is that many children have the potential to be the school bully and they're not always deprived children from dysfunctional families. You must face the possibility that your son isn't as innocent as you want to believe.

Bullying behaviour is usually a response to distress. Children are strongly influenced by bullying and instability in the family.

Think about what might be behind it. Is he trying to get attention, is he unaware of how his height intimidates others? Or does he feel different to the other kids, and perhaps he's being made fun of, so he overcompensates by acting like a bully? Talk to him and, above all, listen to what he says.

Accurate communication with the school is important. Meet the head teacher and discuss positive approaches to your son's behaviour. Get familiar with the school's anti-bullying policy so you know what to expect and can explain it to your son.

You and your husband must teach your son to be gentle and considerate to other people and keep calm in stressful situations. Sometimes, we all need a bit of help, which is when parenting classes can be useful, helping you learn techniques other than shouting and screaming, and making you feel better about yourself. For more information, call Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222.

Chef's naked truth

Dear Miriam,

I've had sex a few times with a man at work I really like. He's a chef in the kitchen of a large restaurant but not always on the same shift.

I want to be his girlfriend but he's often edgy and defensive. I try to fix up a date and he finds an excuse not to be free. I've noticed he's completely different - friendly, talkative and welcoming - when he wants sex.

Does he really like me or does he just want to see me naked? One waitress he dated last year tells me that is all that's on his mind.

Kim

Dear Kim,

If a man seems to have only one thing on his mind - sex - that may be because it's true. If you feel pushed to give him sex to keep his interest, that's the number one sign he's paying more attention to his own agenda than to you.

A man who is really interested in you will put some effort into making plans. It won't be all sex and nothing else. He'll want to integrate you into his whole life, not just the sex part.

Ask him why he keeps blowing hot and cold. If he won't give you a clear answer, move on. Don't waste any more energy on him.

There are lots of nice men in the world - so go out and find the one for you.

I'm going for good

Dear Miriam,

I'm being transferred away to a new job soon and want to go off free and single, not tied down by the girlfriend I've had for eight months. She's been talking about us visiting each other at weekends and hasn't taken hints I've dropped about wanting to throw myself into my work. I don't want to hurt her but I don't want the hassle of a long-distance relationship. What can I do?

Nigel

Dear Nigel,

Avoiding telling her just prolongs the agony for you both. Be honest with her about how you feel and give her the option of staying in the relationship until you go or ending it now. She needs to understand that she's in a relationship that has very little going for it and a clean break would be the best thing.

Dad's in denial..

Dear Miriam,

Our eldest daughter divorced after 25 years of marriage and four children, and is living with an old boyfriend. She says she's very happy but my husband won't accept the situation and refuses to speak to her. I'm upset about it, too, but I've accepted it to keep communication open. What can I do to sort things out?

Pat

Dear Pat,

Good parenting means giving children the tools to make good decisions, not making decisions for them. She stuck to her marriage vows for 25 years. Your husband can mourn the loss of her old life but it won't bring it back. It's sad he thinks it's more important to be sanctimonious than supportive. You're right to stay in touch, which may help to avoid the gulf between them becoming too great.

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