ADVICE; LETTER OF THE DAY: Date spurns a fare deal.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Dear Miriam, I'm a 40-year-old divorced mother of two boys. I've been single for six years. I'm confident, independent and run my own clothes store.

A friend has had success meeting eligible men online and told me I should give it a go.

I had a response within a few days and we got on really well, regularly sending messages to each other. He said he'd like to meet me but couldn't afford the train fare as he was out of work. We live 300 miles apart and I decided to send him a ticket.

He was to arrive Saturday morning and said he was all set for the trip when I phoned him on Friday evening. I went to the station to pick him up but there was no sign of him and he wasn't picking up my frantic messages. He's no longer logging on to the dating site and there's been no response to my emails or letters.

I feel terrible because I trusted him and really thought our relationship was going somewhere but he deceived me. My friend hasn't been much help as she thinks I must have come across as too desperate. Do you think that's true? Madge

Dear Madge,

He's the one who should feel terrible, not you. At least you're not going to be at the mercy of someone unreliable and uncaring.

But your friend's take on the situation could be useful. Desperation isn't an attractive quality.

Simply put, it's a turn-off because it makes people seem needy, clingy and aggressive, yet it's one of the most common mistakes we make when we're looking for a new relationship.

A confident and independent woman like you is always in danger of taking control of everything, including relationships, and he may have felt badgered or intimidated by you.

It's more likely you were too impatient and jumped the gun. People do lie about themselves online and, unless he's had a sudden terrible accident or is dead, it's likely that he's married or already in a relationship and was playing around on the internet.

Lots of attached people masquerade as singles for a bit of excitement. One survey found 30% of men using online dating services are married.

It was easy for him to whisper sweet nothings to you but much harder to explain disappearing for the weekend to a wife or girlfriend.

You gave too much too soon to someone you didn't really know. Next time you meet a man on the internet, check him out more carefully - and don't be so eager to jump through hoops, financially or emotionally.

Now you must cut your losses. You've lost out but you have discovered he's not the kind of person who deserves to be your boyfriend.

The key to dating, whether you're going down the traditional route or online, is not to be naive.

Odd jobber leers

Dear Miriam,

For the past few months I've had a builder in doing odd jobs but he's left everything half done and still expects to be paid. He makes promises and never keeps them.

He stares at me all the time and keeps giving me compliments. He often asks really personal questions about my relationship with my husband. He knows we're going through a divorce.

I must admit I like having him around as he's such good company and he's very attractive if you like the Bob-the-Builder type which I'm starting to do. Should I give him more encouragement? Shona Dear Shona, He's a cowboy looking for easy pickings.

Why would you want the complications this man will bring into your life? You're virtually paying him to make eyes at you.

What does this say about his character? He can see you're vulnerable and is taking advantage. Your emotions are erratic and it would be easy to get infatuated with anyone who treats you with dignity, respect and warmth.

Getting divorced is painful so don't rush into anything. You don't have to date right out of the starting gate.

Hire a builder who won't waste your time and money - and finishes the tasks you set him.

I'm his soft touch

Dear Miriam,

I'm 16 and a 45-year-old married man is in love with me. We live on the same estate and I often see him after school.

He tells me his wife is nasty to him. We haven't done anything yet except share cigarettes and talk. I think about him a lot and cry a lot. I don't want to get in a mess as I want my family to be proud of me. Should I continue our friendship? Gina

Dear Gina,

Please don't fall for his well-rehearsed sob story. He doesn't have your best interests at heart, only his own. Protect yourself.

You won't hurt his feelings. He'll just find another vulnerable girl to coerce into being friendly with him. Get involved in activities with people your age. If you see him out, walk away. If he phones, hang up. A relationship will mess up your life.

Raped at party

Dear Miriam,

My girlfriend and I went to a party and I got very drunk. A guy neither of us knew helped her to carry me upstairs to sleep it off. She thought he was being helpful but then he forced himself on her while I was sparked out. I want her to go to the police but she refuses.

I feel so angry and guilty for letting her down. It's all my fault. What can I do? Lloyd

Dear Lloyd,

The blame lies with this opportunist monster. Your girlfriend feels vulnerable and traumatised. Be gentle and sensitive.

You can give her the phone number of the police and her local Rape Crisis Centre (www.rapecrisis.org.uk), who specialise in rape trauma support and counselling, but it's up to her to take the next step. Your job is to love and support her.

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