ADVICE; LETTER OF THE DAY:: Dear Miriam.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Dad's paying dearly

Dear Miriam, Two years ago my dad left my mother for a woman who is selfish and manipulative. I never liked her, not just because she broke up my parents' marriage but because she's selfish and manipulative.

I wish he could have fallen in love with someone decent but she managed to seduce him with her beauty and sophistication.

Money's her god and she knows how to spend it on the most expensive clothes, shoes, handbags and exotic holidays.

Before he met her, Dad was always careful with cash but she only has to click her fingers and he forks out. I don't believe she really loves him and I strongly suspect she'll be off when the money runs out. She doesn't like me at all.

I'm a poor 20-year-old student and Dad swears me to secrecy when he gives me even a few pounds. She'd throw a hissy fit if she found out.

I hate visiting them because she enjoys criticising everything about me from my picky eating - I'm lactose intolerant - to my hairstyle and colour of my shoes. It annoys me that Dad sticks up for her and tells me she doesn't mean any harm, she's only trying to be helpful.

I'm so disgusted with him for letting my stepmonster come between us. What can I do?

Lucy Dear Lucy, Sounds like your dad's been brainwashed by his new partner. She obviously has the upper hand in their relationship. You must have some pity for a man who shows such poor judgment in his choice of companion. But he's in an awkward spot, trying to smooth ruffled feathers, deflect blame and keep some family harmony as his wife dispenses sarcasm and scorn.

Even so, just because he's being subservient, there's no reason you should be. Understand the nature of the beast you're dealing with. Your stepmother views the world solely in her terms.

Your father appears to have dropped out of his fatherly role and is too weak to stop this campaign against you. In trying to make you fit in with her, he's robbing you of your self-esteem.

You can't successfully serve your father and your stepmum but you can stand up for yourself. Make up your mind to take everything she says to you with a pinch of salt. She only has the power to hurt you if you allow it.

Since she's with your dad continually, she has his ear and it might be very difficult, if not impossible, to get him back on your side.

He's making a choice to go along with what she says. You should talk to him about how you're being treated. Tell him how hurt you are and see what his response is. If he's unsympathetic, you'd be better off keeping some distance.

Don't waste your energy trying to fix things as you think they should be. Concentrate on your future.

Secret sex shock

Dear Miriam, My husband never had a high sex drive. I had to work really hard to turn him on and in the end gave up. This was tough on me but, eventually, I got used to it.

Then, four months ago, he shocked me by revealing he's been going to high-class prostitutes for most of our six-year marriage. Not only has he been continually unfaithful, he's also denied me a normal sex life. I'm so angry I could burst and we're divorcing.

I know all the stories. Men go to prostitutes because their wives are boring, won't have sex, are unattractive. None of those things were true with me. What's been going on?

Mary Dear Mary, Of course, it makes you angry but he's not unique. It's been estimated that one in 10 men pay for sex. Why do they do it? Reasons include wanting to have sex with lots of women. They also don't have to please a prostitute, make her happy or worry about her emotional needs or demands. They can be entirely selfish.

It's understandable your self-esteem has been hurt but his addiction has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness. It's not about you, it's about him. You'll probably be a lot happier single than in a bogus marriage.

Cheat has form

Dear Miriam, I've been seeing a divorced man I met in my local pub eight months ago. I was told he had a reputation with women but didn't believe it. Now I've found out he's cheating on me. He's been in prison for robbery and his teenage sons and mine don't get on. I don't like the people he hangs out with but he tells me to mind my own business. What do I do?

Gail Dear Gail, Why would you want to stay with him? For the sake of your children, distance yourself from this man and his sons. Don't think your relationship won't affect your sons because it will. That little voice telling you he's a loser is your guardian angel trying to protect you.

I yearn for boss

Dear Miriam, I'm very attracted to my boss. He's not married but he does have a girlfriend. I think he feels the same about me. He's often rude to other people but he's always charming with me.

I really like him and I would hate to miss my chance with him. I'm in my 20s and he's about 35 and looks like actor Rupert Penry-Jones. Do I have a chance?

Jess Dear Jess, You might be way off beam in your assessment of his feelings and pursuing him could end up costing you your job. Doesn't it make more sense to find a man who isn't paying your wages and doesn't already have a girlfriend? Boss fantasies are best left as just that - a fantasy.

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