ADVICE; Dear Miriam: LETTER OF THE DAY:: I'm a sinner not a saint.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Dear Miriam I met my boyfriend a year after his wife died of cancer, leaving him with two teenage boys and a menagerie of animals.

When we started seeing each other, he told me all about her and how she regularly took in stray dogs and cats.

His sons are very sporty and their house is full of noise and chaos. He says it's like breathing fresh air again when he's with me, and that makes me feel good.

Sometimes I ask him if he's comfortable about being in another relationship and he says he is but I'm not so sure as he still carries his wife's photo in his wallet. I've no doubt she was wonderful - in fact, he portrays her as a saint who never said a bad word about anyone and did no wrong.

I can't say the same about myself. I've made many bad choices in my life including experimenting with drugs, a teenage pregnancy and an abortion. When I compare myself to her, it's hard to understand why he would want anything to do with me.

He still has all her belongings around the house and keeps saying he needs to have a clear-out but never does. Should I be worried? Kathryn Dear Kathryn, Being the new woman on the block is never easy and you're stepping into the shoes of someone who was much loved and cherished. You feel you're in competition with an angel and fall short.

Yes, your life hasn't been plain sailing but most of us can say the same. You're wrong to judge yourself so harshly. Making mistakes and regretting them makes you a good person, not a bad one.

She's the past and potentially you're his beautiful future. What could be against you is timing. He's invited you into his life because he wants to move on and you've been a breath of fresh air - but his behaviour says he's not completely ready yet.

Accepting a loss of this magnitude will take time and it's possible you may have entered his life too soon. He's grieving and it can take several years to work through the pain of losing someone we love.

You worry that everything is still intact as if she's coming home. Leaving all her belongings on display probably indicates an element of denial that she's gone for good. He may not be ready to put anyone in his wife's place.

You're understandably torn between wanting to be understanding and wanting his full attention. Give him space. I don't think he means to hurt or upset you. It's just so hard to let go and he has to consider his son's feelings as well.

If it's possible to manage a friendship instead of a relationship for the immediate future, you might both be happier.

Only you can decide how much more time and energy you're willing to invest in this man who has shown he has the capacity to love with all his heart.

Girlfriend flirts with other guys Dear Miriam, I've been dating my girlfriend for six weeks and she often goes to a bar with male colleagues after she's finished work.

This bothers me because she ignores me and flirts with them. I know flirting is normal and I do it myself at times but she seems to be an attention junkie.

I've told her I'm bothered by the way she messes about with them, sits on their laps and lets them talk dirty. She says I'm a prude. She makes me confused about whether this is my problem or hers but I'm getting very close to ending our relationship. Why can't she be satisfied with just flirting with me, her man?

Bruce Dear Bruce, You're in the process of trying each other on for size and she's not making a good impression. She's giving out signals to men that she's available.

She's not showing much class and you're not being too sensitive. If she needs that much attention from men, how can you trust her? You want to be with someone who treats you with compassion and thoughtfulness. If she refuses to tame things, then obviously this is a deal breaker. Maybe you'd be better suited to a less outgoing, less flirtatious partner.

Mum's risking jail over debts Dear Miriam, My dad's well over retirement age but he still works because my mum's got them into huge debt. She loves to shop and buys frivolous things nobody really wants. I'm worried she'll go to prison if she carries on this way. What can I do?

Pauline Dear Pauline, Be prepared to take a tough stand. Your dad ought to close any joint accounts, credit cards, set a budget, and allow her only enough to cover necessary expenses. She won't like it but it may save their marriage. Speak to Money Advice and Budgeting Service on 1890 283483 or at www.mabs.ie. Counselling for the underlying cause may help.

Left in lurch on our lovers' break Dear Miriam, After four months together, my boyfriend suggested a weekend away in Paris. I was all packed and ready but he didn't turn up. He hasn't called since. I haven't a clue what I did wrong and whether we have a relationship but I feel dumped. I can't understand why he's been so cruel. Please help.

Sue Dear Sue, I'm afraid he's said goodbye, loud and clear. He's a jerk and you were too lovestruck to see it. You're better off without this immature loser. Better to know how fickle he really is than to waste any more time on him. Allow yourself to grieve for a while but don't stay moping for ever.

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