ADVICE; A PROBLEM SHARED:.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Dear Miriam,

My husband and I are in our late 30s and I've just had my first scan showing I'm 12 weeks pregnant with twins. I'm terrified.

I'm not scared of birth or having a little person to care for, but I am afraid I won't be able to handle it and will be like my mother.

I had three younger siblings and she couldn't cope with us all.

She was always at the end of her tether and we were at the receiving end of her anger, especially me as I was the eldest - I was beaten a lot.

I forgave my mum when I was in my 30s. I realised it wasn't her fault, it was probably post-natal depression.

But this wasn't recognised in Mum's day, you just had to deal with things.

I'm worried I'll take my anger out on my kids the way my mother did and I don't want to do that.

I'm scared to tell anyone how I feel. How do I convince myself I'll be a good mum?

YOUR VERDICT:

She needed help with childcare

It's obvious your mother could not cope mentally and was probably afraid to ask for help in case her children were taken from her. It did happen years ago and welfare rarely cared to find out the problem and help out when they should have.

Of course, there was no excuse for your mother's behaviour but help with post-natal depression was not available and abuse was swept under the carpet.

My own mother could be abusive with her words on occasion but I was never hurtful to my own children and, as far as I know, they are not abusive verbally to their children.

Discuss your fears with your doctor or a welfare worker. You will love your twins unconditionally and, with help always available, there will be no need to worry. Have a very happy time.

Del, by email

You will make an excellent mother.You only feel unsure because of your experiences while growing up. We all worry when we first realise we are going to be mothers and will be responsible for a new life. Enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to the birth of your twins. Good luck.

Sheila, Uttoxeter I don't think anyone copes that well after having their first baby.

Suddenly you bring home this helpless little child which needs 24-hour care and your normal day-to-day life is turned upside down.

Yes, it was really hard work and we were both like zombies for the first year. We had to ask our parents for support. Once a month they gave us a night out without the twins and took it in turns to come round twice a week to give us a helping hand. So please ask your family for help.

The baby time doesn't last long and the next minute you'll want that time back. Our little girls will be off to school next September and I'm dreading not being with them. They grow up too quickly. You'll be saying this too.

Angela, Nottinghamshire MIRIAM'S VERDICT: You'll be fine with good support I do understand your fears. You are right to think how you'll cope - no doubt about it, twins are a handful.

I have twin granddaughters, just turned three, and I remember those tough early weeks and months.

You will manage and be a good mum but you will need a lot of help and shouldn't be shy to ask for and insist that you get it - and tell people early if you feel you can't cope.

The way to guarantee success is to get a support network around you now. Start planning, start asking people for help, like doing shopping.

First of all, there's your husband.

With twins, I think parenting has to be split absolutely down the middle. He has to be an active hands-on dad, willing to share night duty and, when he's there, childcare during the day.

Your second group of helpers are your own parents and parents-in-law.

This shouldn't be difficult as most grannies are willing to help. In fact, you may have to fend them off.

So that you and they know what their role will be, in the nicest way allocate them specific duties or specific days of the week to help, even specific hours.

Your GP can help you in all antenatal questions. You'll get help and advice from midwives, whom you'll get to know during your pregnancy, and if you go to a children's centre for antenatal care you'll find health visitors are there to help you or visit you at home.

And I would advise you to get in touch with the Twins and Multiple Births Association to share experience with other mothers of twins and to get lots of practical advice and support. Visit their website tamba.org.uk. Good luck.

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YOU CAN HELP: Dad's on his case My fiance and I have been together for three years and are due to get married next August.

He's been working for my father's business for nearly a year. They don't get along too well.

My father isn't the easiest person to work for but then again my fiance isn't as fast or energetic at work as my father would like.

My parents recently told me they are worried about my future. They believe he doesn't have enough ambition to make a good life for us.

I love him dearly but now I have serious doubts. My parents were hoping he'd step up and maybe run the family business one day. But honestly, I'm not sure if that's what my fiance wants.

I don't want to poison our relationship by telling him how my parents feel. How can I tell him that I want him to prove to them he will be a good provider but also not hurt his feelings that he's not meeting their standards? Write to: Dr Miriam Stoppard, FREEPOST, Daily Mirror, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5BR.

Or text: MIRIAM with your solution, including your name and town, to 84080. Texts cost 25p.

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