ADVICE; A PROBLEM SHARED:: Dear Miriam.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

Daughter's too young for sex

Dear Miriam, My 17-year-old daughter has been going out with her boyfriend for a year. He's a nice enough lad from what I've seen of him.

She came home the other night asking if she could stay at his parents' house for the night. He's having his 18th birthday party near his home and she wants to drink and not have to drive home.

I said I'd discuss it with her dad. All my instincts say no. After all, once she's done a sleepover there she'll be wanting to do one here and even the thought of it makes me uncomfortable.

I've given her all the sex education talks, so I've done my best on that score, and I don't want her to flounce out. I can't condone something that I feel isn't right. But then again, she'll have sex regardless.

When I mentioned it to my husband he blew his top. Need I say more? She's his little girl. What's the right thing to do?

YOUR VERDICT: Set ground rules on staying over

I'm a divorced man and had a similar problem with my 18-year-old daughter who lives with me. I explained I wasn't comfortable with her sleeping with her boyfriend in my house when I was there. We discussed this calmly in an adult way.

Although she said I was old-fashioned, she accepted a compromise. When I'm on the night shift or away on holiday, her boyfriend sleeps at my house and occasionally she sleeps at his parents' house. There's no sneaking about and we can all live with it.

Your husband needs to understand his little girl is growing into a woman. If you can both approach this calmly and sensibly, and set ground rules everyone agrees to, you'll work this out.

Dennis Faulks, Nottingham My daughter was 15 when she had her first boyfriend and I gave her all the sex talks. She is now 19 and on to her second boyfriend and we've had no trouble, as her father and I have been open and honest with her.

Give her freedom and respect and she will respect you back.

Lesley, Kent

You should feel proud that your daughter respects and trusts you enough to ask your permission when she could so easily lie to you. She sounds like a lovely, sensible girl.

My daughter is 16 and has been with her boyfriend for 10 months. She occasionally stays at his parents' house in a separate bedroom. At first, I felt uncomfortable about it but I am very open with her and she is very honest with me in return.

I trust her and feel she will make her own sensible choices when the time is right.

Vicki, Hove Explain to your daughter that you prefer her to sleep at home after drinking. You trust her but alcohol blurs inhibitions.

Say you'll pay for her to get a taxi home. Arrange with your local taxi firm to pick her up when they receive a call. Pay ahead if need be.

Explain this to her boyfriend and his parents - even ask them to phone the taxi. Simply trusting may not be enough. I'm with Dad.

Geraldine Taylor, Preston, Lancs

MIRIAM'S VERDICT: You can't win by laying down law

Lots of mothers with 17-year-old daughters will sympathise with you - it's a common dilemma but it needn't be. I know you worry that, if you speak as forthrightly as you feel, you could jeopardise the good relationship you have with her but you needn't do that either.

Your problem becomes less difficult if you stop seeing everything as black and white - the way your husband is seeing it.

There are all shades of grey and I'd suggest you investigate some of the less extreme options. Let's start with the two most painful scenarios: 1) By being authoritarian and laying down the law, you estrange your daughter and she leaves home.

2) In a fit of pique she has sex with her boyfriend and, without precautions, becomes pregnant.

In your heart you know laying down the law won't prevent either of these things happening. In fact, it will encourage irresponsible behaviour. And, as you say, your daughter can have sex anywhere, any time.

On the other hand, you have the right, as her mother, to say quite firmly that you disapprove of certain things. You can add that you don't wish to force her into anything but she doesn't have your blessing.

Say you accept she can have sex if she wants to but you'd like her to be protected. Offer to take her to your GP or Family Planning Clinic for contraceptive advice.

If you're prepared to do these things, she will see you for what you are - a reasonable, kind, loving parent and she'll stick by you. For your part, you can be comfortable because you aired your views but also acted humanely to a daughter you love.

EACH TUESDAY we print a problem that gives YOU a chance to tell us your views. ABOVE is the dilemma we presented a fortnight ago, with your solutions. The best advice you send on the problem BELOW appears in two weeks.

YOU CAN HELP: One's enough My family and in-laws have all turned on me because I don't want a second child. My husband and I have a daughter aged six.

They've nagged me for the past five years, asking when they will hear good news again, and I try to ignore it, knowing in my heart I only want one child.

They keep saying we're going to leave a child with no family, that we're selfish and cruel and that my daughter needs someone to share her life with and to have someone at her side through life's ups and downs.

I have a brother I hardly see and can't stand, so I don't see what she'd be missing.

But my mother-in-law has got to my husband, who's close to his sister, and he's started saying it would be nice for our daughter to have a sibling of her own.

I'm just so up against it all and now I don't know what to do. They've even made me question myself. What choice do I make?

Write to: Dr Miriam Stoppard, FREEPOST, Daily Mirror, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5BR.

Or email: [e-mail] Sorry, she cannot reply personally