ADVICE; Dear Miriam.

Byline: MIRIAM STOPPARD

A PROBLEM SHARED:

Lover's facing a curfew 

Dear Miriam, I've been sleeping regularly with a work colleague for a year. He is married with three children but his relationship with his wife has been on the rocks for a while.

He and I started out as friends but one night we had too much to drink and ended up in bed together.

Recently, people have started to suspect as it's become clear he spends more time with me than at home.

We try to meet in groups and are never loving in public. Now his wife has told him to stay at home more or she'll throw him out, as she's tired of being left alone.

He is starting to resent this curfew and has hinted that he'd leave if it wasn't for the children.

I am starting to wonder what things could be like for us as a proper couple.

I don't want to be seen as a homewrecker - but I don't want to give up on a potential soulmate either. What should I do?

YOUR VERDICT:

He must make a break with wife

My boyfriend was married when I met him through work. They had no children and we became close. I soon got pregnant and he left his wife to be with us once our child was born.

He cares for me and adores our child but I keep comparing myself to his ex and constantly fear he regrets being with me and will leave one day. I now have no confidence and feel worthless, which is my own doing.

Think long and hard about what you are doing. A lot of people will get hurt, including you. If you are certain he is your soulmate, take things slowly, let him sort out his feelings for his family first and make a clean break from them before entering into anything too serious with you.

Name and address supplied

For your sake, get out of this relationship now. Don't be like me and so many others who hang on and find that 10 years have passed us by! He has his wife and family life and you as a release from the pressures that brings. You deserve better than this.

Zoe, Plymouth

If the marriage does eventually go wrong because of the affair, like it or not, you will be a home-wrecker.

I believe, deep down, he is using you and he would stay with his family given a chance.

Have a long talk with him about the situation. Ask for a truthful answer as to what your future together really will be.

You could be waiting around for years for him to decide. Tell him the affair is over if he cannot decide.

Get on with your life and find a single man who has no baggage.

Del, email

You're being used for sex. Move on with your life as you seem to be wasting your time and energy on a man whom is cheating on his wife - the mother of his children.

If a man doesn't leave his wife within the first year of an affair, he's compartmentalised it.

When this happens, the wife will always be the wife and the mistress will always be the mistress, never becoming the next wife.

Fay Atkins, Cardiff

MIRIAM'S VERDICT:

Be patient and give time to think

I'm concerned that you're more worried about your reputation than the harm you'll do to your lover's family if he leaves them. If you really love him, you should bide your time.

When, and if, you eventually do end up with him isn't decided by you but by him. If you try to force the issue he will resent you for the rest of your time together because he will always be feeling guilty about having deserted his children.

Personally, I find it understandable, indeed admirable, that a man should not want to abandon his children and so should you.

The excuses you give for continuing your relationship - like his relationship with his wife has been on the rocks for a while - isn't the important consideration here. What is important is his feelings for his children and you shouldn't try to interfere with those. Of course, it could be that he doesn't have the courage to leave his wife and is using his children as an excuse. In that case, you're probably wasting your time believing you two could ever make a go of things.

You ask what you should do? My advice would be to be patient, understanding, loving and to tell him you understand completely why he doesn't wish to leave his children and support him in this. This might give him space to think out things clearly so he does what he thinks is right, not what you think is right.

I'm sorry to say you are an unequal partner in this relationship. He has his children to consider- and that makes him the person who'll decide your future. If this is too much for you to take on, look for someone who isn't married with children.

YOU CAN HELP:

Bullied over my sick dad

My husband and I have been married for 27 years. My mum died two years ago and I miss her so much. Dad was slowly coming to terms with it but had a stroke six months ago.

I like to look after him by taking him out twice a week or so. My brother and I also meet with him once a week and we all have a good time, which I enjoy.

But my husband complains about it. He says I spend too much time with Dad. He says nasty things about him too. He is very cruel and critical about my family.

As my sister is single, he thinks she should give up her job to look after Dad. Every time we row, we don't speak for a week or so.

I am his second wife and the reason given for the break-up of his first marriage was mental cruelty.

I feel I have no love left for him as I'm only doing what's best for my dad. What should I do?

EACH TUESDAY we print a problem that gives YOU a chance to tell us your views. ABOVE is the dilemma we presented a fortnight ago, with your solutions. The best advice you send on the problem BELOW appears in two weeks.

Write to: Dr Miriam Stoppard, FREEPOST, Daily Mirror, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5BR.

Or text: MIRIAM with your solution, including your name and town, to 84080. Texts cost 25p.

Or email: [e-mail] Sorry, she cannot reply personally