ACADEMY AWARDS SHOW BRINGS OUT GOOD CRYSTAL.

Byline: Keith Marder Daily News Television Writer

Billy Crystal joked in his opening monologue at the Academy Awards, ``The only one guaranteed with waking up with a statue is Tipper Gore.''

But there was one other guarantee Monday night. With Crystal as host, it was safe to come home to the Oscars.

If ever there was one person perfectly suited for a job, it's Crystal as Oscar host. He's witty, quick and keeps the show moving.

Accept no substitutes.

Crystal has been at the Academy Awards helm four times, the most recent being in 1993. In his absence the past three years were two appearances by Whoopi Goldberg, with David Letterman in the middle in 1995.

One of Crystal's strengths is his ability to nudge the industry while not going so far as to offend. For instance, Monday night he noted in the opening moments that only one major studio release was nominated for Best Picture.

``It was the only one of 163 major studio releases,'' Crystal said. ``One hundred-sixty-four if you count Michael Ovitz.''

A jab, but without leaving a mark.

Face it. If you're going to be stuck watching something, anything, for more than three hours, you might as well be entertained. And, for those of you who complain about the show being too long - shut up. Turn the channel. Read a book. The show is not going to get any shorter.

Before his monologue, Crystal was superimposed into many of the big movies of the year, including ``Shine,'' ``Jerry Maguire'' and ``Fargo.'' The short film was finished by good sport David Letterman crash-landing a la ``The English Patient'' while muttering his Oscar nightmare moment, ``Uma, Oprah, Oprah, Uma.''

After Crystal's opening remarks, he broke into his customary song medley of the Best Picture nominees. From the ``Brady Bunch'' theme for ``Secrets & Lies'' to a Sammy Davis-Frank Sinatra rendition of ``My Kind of Town, That Fargo Is,'' it was clever.

It wasn't as if Crystal did it alone. On the strength of performances by singers Madonna and Celine Dion, a surprise appearance by pianist David Helfgott - whose life was portrayed in Best Picture nominee ``Shine'' - and a cute Carrie Fisher bit with her mother, Debbie Reynolds.

In judging presenters, Beavis and Butt-head came across as more intelligent than knuckleheads David Spade and Chris Farley. Mira Sorvino flubbed the first intro, for Best Supporting Actor, while Kevin Spacey presented Best Supporting Actress with a hilarious Christopher Walken imitation.

A major highlight of the telecast came early. It set the tone for the whole evening when the first award-winner, Cuba Gooding Jr., won Best Supporting Actor for ``Jerry Maguire'' and gave a rambling, enthusiastic thank-you speech that went on well after the stage-hook music began to play. As he shouted and clicked his heels, his acceptance speech over the music turned out to be a very entertaining music video.

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Photo

Photo: After a three-year absence, Billy Crystal returns to the host's job at the Academy Awards.

David Richard Crane/Daily News