ABUSE VICTIM RECALLS FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL : SURVIVAL TIPS.

Byline: Lisa Van Proyen Daily News Staff Writer

In hindsight, she sees the warning signs of a stormy marriage. Her husband pulled her by the hair and hit her just two months after their wedding.

She weathered the pain over a decade, always striving to brighten his day.

The 42-year-old Santa Clarita woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said she stayed through the pushing, shoving and hitting. She withstood the verbal confrontations, demoralizing name-calling and threats in front of their children that left mental and emotional scars ``stronger than a blow with a fist in the face,'' she said.

When the abuse was too much, she would leave him - over and over and over again, the woman said. She left her heroin-addicted husband five times during the course of 10 years, hiding out at a friend's home or in women's shelters.

The woman fit a pattern that is tough to comprehend for those who haven't been there. On average, women in abusive relationships leave their mates five to seven times before truly calling it quits, said Mary Ann DeFever, program director for the Association to Aid Victims of Domestic Violence, based in Newhall. The program provides shelter for battered victims and counseling for both the victims and their batterers.

``It's truly a turmoil you get wrapped up into. You leave out of fear. When you become codependent on an addictive personality, your life is a survival,'' said the woman who works as a data processor. ``You work to keep them up. It's fear.''

Her concerns were no different from other victims. She cringed at thoughts of being alone and not being able to financially support her children.

``A single woman out there with two children is a pretty scary world,'' she said.

Yet, when she was with him, she feared the abuse and was terrorized that her toddlers might accidentally get a hold of a fatal dose of her husband's drugs.

It was not until she was diagnosed in 1992 with a conversion disorder that causes occasional temporary paralysis in some parts of her body that she realized she needed help.

She said she was so traumatized by her husband that she suffered neurologically - to the point of having to relearn how to walk.

``Subconsciously, you tuck (the pain) away. After years and years of the pain manifesting itself, it can come out,'' she said in a telephone interview.

When she recently got romantically involved with somebody else, her estranged husband threatened to kill her and then disappear with the children.

Soon after, he got into one of his rages and punched her in the mouth, she said. Police arrested him for battery, willful cruelty and spousal abuse.

She has severed the relationship. Her divorce is almost final.

If you're a victim of domestic abuse, call (805) 259-HELP, a 24-hour hotline for the Santa Clarita Association to Aid Victims of Domestic Violence. Their business number is [phone]. The association offers these suggestions if you are in an abusive relationship:

Have phone numbers of a sheriff's station, hotline, shelter and friends available for you and your children.

Explain the situation to neighbors and urge them to call 911 if they hear suspicious-sounding noises from your home.

Make a list of four places to go in the event of trouble.

Leave extra money, car keys, clothing and copies of important documents with somebody outside the home or in a secure place, hidden from your mate. These documents include birth certificates, Social Security cards, and school and medical records.

Keep change (or a calling card) with you at all times.

Open your own savings account.

Rehearse an escape route with a support person.

When the relationship is over:

Change your locks, install security doors, a security system, smoke detectors and an outside lighting system.

Inform two people that your partner no longer lives there and ask them to call police if he/she is observed near your home or children.

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Box: Survival tips (see text)