A three-step negotiation strategy.

"Most of us react to conflict the same way our ancient ancestors reacted to saber-toothed tigers appearing on the horizon. Our instinct is still `fight or flight,' however much we have evolved in other areas. Our primitive urge is either to fight back and escalate the conflict, or to run away. This flight may mean actually leaving the room, or simply withdrawing emotionally. When you give in to either fight or flight, you lose control of the situation and are likely to feel either abusive or victimized."(1)

In order to curb the inclination to fight or flee, determine what you want before you get into an important negotiation. It is even better if you write down your desires - you will get clear on what you want much quicker and you will remember the points better when you talk to the other person. Try to stick with honestly saying to yourself what you want rather than veering off in all directions about what you should want.

However, even though you are clear about your wants, do not announce them when you first encounter the other person. "After you know what you want, the next step is to find out what the other person wants.... Don't guess, and don't assume. ASK."(2) It is important to pay attention carefully before it is your turn to present your concerns.

If you listen first, you will have a better chance of being heard when you speak. "People listen better, sooner, and longer when you speak to their needs first...but...research shows that people speak first to the other person's needs only three percent of the time.... We usually speak first to our own needs because we are unclear about what we want and are trying to figure it out as we talk, or because we're secretly afraid we can't have it and we are trying to trick, overwhelm, or fast-talk others into giving it to us. The result is that people close down and are less receptive to what we say."(3) To keep people open to the possibility of change, listen first to what they want.

"A wise man once said, `When all else fails, tell the truth...." Here's what I'm trying to do. I already know what I want, and I know you want something different. I have to know what you want in order for us to move toward something in the middle that will work for both of us. What exactly do you want?"(4)

If you're in a situation that you have not had time to prepare for and conflict suddenly heats up, ask yourself, that do I want?" to help you focus. "The more instinctive that question becomes, the more control you have over your own life and the more centered you feel."(5 ) When you want to fight or flee, you are not paying attention well anyway, so you might as well have an internal dialogue with yourself. When you are clear in your head about what you want, ask the other person what he or she wants. Then say, "Could we slow down and see if there is any way we both can get some of what we want?" After you have listened carefully to the other person needs, it is essential to let them know you have heard them. To do this, you have to restate some of what he or she has said to you. For example, "I know you love this town and do not want to leave your friends."

"For others to feel heard, you have to accept that they fee) the way they feel, and want what they want....The more fully and clearly you accept where they are, the more flexible they will be. If you don't believe people when they tell you what they want, they'll know it. The words don't have to be spoken aloud."(6)

"You don't have to like them or their ideas; you only have to hear them, understand them, and accept that this is what they think."(7) "When people feel that their concerns have been heard, those concerns tend to dissipate. When the problems aren't brought forward and acknowledged, they tend to grow and fester."(8)

"If you already have a rapport with someone, he or she may feel completely heard if you simply make eye contact, smile, and say, `I see.' If the other person is antagonistic, you may have to paraphrase what he or she said, nod, lean forward, and use very definite and specific phrases like `I understand what you're saying."'(9)

If you want change in your organization, listen carefully to the people who are against you. Have one-on-one conversations with them where you say, " I want to hear all you have to say on this topic." Then repeat the gist of what they have said to you.

The following two examples demonstrate the process of letting someone know they've been heard and then looking for common ground.

Example 1

Physician Executive: "I understand your concern about lowered income and control over how you practice medicine. To make it financially in the future, I think we will need more capital. One way to get it is to join in an alliance with the hospital. I know you fear that the hospital will have control over how you practice medicine. However, if we don't have enough money to make it as a clinic that will also dramatically affect your practice. It may come down to choosing your suffering. Is there any way I can persuade you to go along with this?"

Physician: "Give me a detailed formula for financial remuneration in the new system. Tell me who will be in the position to decide what procedures I can and cannot do."

Physician Executive: "I'll get that information, and we'll talk again."

Example 2

An organization that is interviewing you for a physician executive position might offer you a salary of $140,000 and the standard benefits of health, life, dental, and disability insurance; retirement, vacation, and CME time. You might want some additional benefits, such as car allowance, relocation costs, or tuition for an MBA.

Interviewee: "I am really pleased that you want me for this position, and I think that I could accept the base salary and benefits, even though it is lower than what I had hoped for, if you could give me...."

Try to have some logic to support what you want. Don't ask for an automobile allowance unless you are traveling company. If you park your car in office lot from 8 a.m. to 6 p.m., don't expect a car allowance. Ask for an MBA if you feel that would enhance your value to the organization. You could ask for moving expenses or a signing bonus as a way to enhance the initial package and allow the organization to keep the base salary in line with other executive salaries.

"Remember you don't have to be loud or aggressive to be powerful; you just have to stay focused on what you want and what they want, and honor everyone's right to have it."(10)

CAREER MANAGENT

When two people want different things, the air can be filled with conflict, and negotiation must occur unless one has enough power to get what he or she wants without it. I've read books on negotiation, listened to lectures, and tried to learn what they recommend. Although I pick up one or two tips that I think I will use, it seems to be information that is difficult for me to put into practice.

This article is for those who think they'll never in this life time learn and execute all the intricate techniques of sophisticated negotiation. If you have trouble incorporating many steps or you can't bring yourself to bargain, are there ways to get what you want? Some of the time. You may not make as much money as expert negotiators, but you can improve your chances for satisfaction by getting clear about what you want, finding out what the other person wants, and wrestling together to see if there is any common ground.

Footnotes

(1.) Anderson, K. Getting What You Want: to Reach Agreement and Resolve Conflict Every Time. New York, N.Y.: Plume Books, 1994, p. 5

(2.) Ibid., p. 13.

(3.) Ibid., p. 21.

(4.) Ibid., p. 104.

(5.) Ibid., p. 11.

(6.) Ibid., pp. l06-7.

(7.) Ibid., p. 110.

(8.) Ibid., p. 120.

(9.) Ibid., p. 123.

(10.) Ibid., p. 203.