A teetotal shambles.

Byline: Brian Reade

VAN Morrison has banned fans from drinking alcohol at his concerts because when they move around it's "off-putting". Hear, hear George Morrison OBE.

We don't want to see gig-goers "moving" under the influence of artificial stimulants do we? That kind of behaviour was fine in the 60s, when it was compulsory to get smashed at "happenings", but today? No.

Besides if they get too blotto they won't be able to watch you scowling off stage halfway through your final song, as is your wont at most gigs you've just charged the suckers pounds 100 for.

There's a growing list of former hell-raisers who love to ram their teetotal misery down other's throats. Men who cling on to their youth by getting on stage and soaking in the adulation. That's their buzz. Sod everyone else's.

They want younger people to give them love and cash, but they don't want to see them enjoying themselves with wild abandon. Because it makes them realise what life was like when they were in their prime.

The likes of Van The Grumpy Old Man are reminiscent of Harry Enfield's Old Gits, snarling: "If WE can't get smashed, fool around and have a ball, then neither can you.

Naaaaaa-aagh."

I'm all for throwing bedpans at them. Filled with recycled vodka.

CAPTION(S):

GRUMPY GIT Van