A smell of experiencing a nun?s Life how "ane chung chung" became a Thai mae ji.

From July 7 to July 15 2004 I was living in Wat Sondhammakalyani, Nakhonpathom. It is the nunnery of Ven Dhammananda, former Prof. Chatsumarn Kabilsingh, who became the first and yet only Thai bhikkhuni.

After the 8th International Conference on Buddhist Women, happened to be in Seoul, South Korea from June 27 to July 5 I came visiting Ven Dhammananda's nunnery. Before, when I thought about visiting her nunnery, I thought about becoming a Thai mae ji, that means, I thought about taking eight precepts, and shaving my head and eye brows, like it is Thai tradition, and taking the white robe. I didn't know, which answer I would get from Ven Dhammananda, when I asked her, if this was possible. And I must admit, that I was a little bit frightened to ask this question, because I had only one week for coming to Thailand. Would it be all right to ask this question? Would it be impolite? I didn't know, but my wish was strong, and so I asked. But she agreed, and I was very happy getting a chance of experiencing a nun's life, although it would be very short.

In Germany it is not possible for me to live a nun's life, but it was good and necessary to make this experience, because I always had been told by the Tibetan Buddhist nuns, among whom I did my fieldwork about Tibetan Buddhist nuns in exile, that once I will become a nun. Now "ane chung chung", very small nun, how my Tibetan nun teachers called me, became a Thai mae ji. I already wrote an article, published in Yasodhara, about my ordination, that happened dream-like for me, ordained by a chapter of bhikkhuni samgha. But what did that ordination mean for me?

I always thought, that I would be mindful, and now I realized, how much I have to learn, and that my mindfulness was very little, at the very beginning:

When you take the robe, when you take the precepts, then people behave differently to you, because you are a nun. So, you have the duty to be a nun. For me, I must admit, that duty was a difficult job. To be mindful, not only to pretend to be mindful, but really to be mindful, that means, that you have to be mindful every time, also in the little things, that you never realized before. What a job! Sometimes I thought, I will never make it. And then I thought, that Ven Dhammananda, the Samaneri, and my mae ji friend must have very good nerves, and must be very patient, because this "ane chung chung" behaved really, terrible. But surprisingly for me, they never seemed to be angry. They smiled, and told me, to make it better next time. And I really tried to improve, to do things properly, but it was a hard training. Be mindful. I remember, my first meal, after being ordained. With the spoon I put rice in my bowl, and this rice didn't like to come into my bowl. So, I was not mindful, not patient, no, I was hungry. So I hit with this spoon full of rice on my bowl, to make the rice coming into my bowl. A friendly hand came from my mae ji friend, showing me, that this was not the right way, but she smiled: "Next time make it better." I never hit again with the spoon on my bowl. But a bigger problem, that I had to face, was how to wear the robe properly. I never had been used even to wear a skirt or dress, because I like trousers, they are more comfortable for me, but now wearing this robe, that was a real problem. I was happy, that I was allowed to put a cord around the longji, that it would not fall down. But the robe:

I really did my best to wear it properly, but I always had to look after it, because it did not stay on my shoulder. Every time I blushed, when one of the other ordained came, and helped me to put the robe the right way.

Once we were at the Goethe-Institute in Bangkok, where Ven Dhammananda had been invited for a panel discussion during the World Aid Conference. She kindly gave me the chance accompanying her. And that was a great and interesting chance for me. And then, when we sat there talking, and I forgot being mindful, because the talk was so interesting, I heard her voice patient, gentle, but decidedly: "You are not supposed to sit like this." I forgot how to sit. As a nun you have to sit with the legs side by side, and not one upon another. I forgot, I was talking, discussing, and I was not mindful.

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Being on alms--she was so nice to give me that experience, although I was such a clumsy person-, I had to realize, that we all had to go one after another, first the abbess, then the samaneri, and then me in the white robe, and after me the laywomen, who accompanied us, with a cart for carrying the food, that was too much to carry it in our bowls. I noticed, that we walked in a line, but when we stopped at some laypeople, I stepped forward, being not mindful. And I heard her voice, patient, gentle, but decidedly: "Jampa, step in the line."

One time, Ven Dhammananda said to me, "you should work in the garden like the others do every afternoon, to get the smell of a nun's life." So I went into the garden to ask my mae ji friend, what I should do, and that I want to help. Wow. That day, there must have been an accident in front of the temple, and so we cleaned the ground before the temple from these glass splinters. That was a work you really have to be mindful, because the car drivers running in their cars on the Highway outside the temple, they are not. If you are standing there cleaning the ground or not, they don't care. So every move you do should be a mindful move. It was an afternoon I learned very much about mindful walking, mindful working.

But thousand times, when I again forgot to be mindful, I thought I should ask for excuse, although nobody gave me the impression, that they were angry with me. It seems so easy this life, when you look from outside, but when you live the life of an ordained one, then you realize, that every moment means to be mindful. Every moment means meditation. Every moment is important, because every moment you can learn to be mindful. You should not care about the past moment or the past years. They are past. You can not change them, you can not change what happened. Also it is not necessary to bother about the future. It is not there yet. Only the present moment, in which you live now, counts. In this moment now you can be mindful. Be mindful in what you are doing, speaking, and thinking. And that is enough, and surprisingly, that can make you confident and happy. It is a real practice. Every step is a practice, and not only then, when you are doing walking meditation. You are not supposed to run and hurry with blowing robes, when you are not in time for the recitation in the temple. But you should be in time for the recitation. You are not supposed to wear a watch, but you will hear the sound that invites you to come to the temple. It was difficult, this life for me, but it was a good teacher this life. It made things also becoming easier in a way. It changes you, because you learn to live in this very moment. You learn to let loose your worries,--and I had many things I liked to worry, like an allergy or a virus infection, that came to my body for example. But you learn that every moment is a precious moment, which you can't throw away with worries. I learn, that one can be happy within the very moment, if you are mindful. Maybe because of this real positive thinking, based on the Buddha's path, you can realize, that the nuns smile at you, that they share their happiness and confidence with you. And if you learn, not to rush or to hurry, but to be mindful with yourself, the other beings, and the very moment, than your life changes, and you also smile, because you feel happy and confident now in this very moment. And that you can share.

It was a different life from that, which I am used to. It was a life, I remember now in these moments, when I am again hurrying and rushing around like before, and I remember, what I learned, and that makes me more mindful in my surrounding, in my institute, where I am working and living.

I hope, that I will have time, that I can come back to share this really mindful life of a mae ji again.

By Dr. Rotraut Wurst