A place in the middle.

What 11- to 14-year-olds want from their church

Hannah: I never talk to my friends about Jesus or God or religion because this never really comes up. We talk about stuff that happens at school, stuff we do at home or with our other friends, movies, music, but not religion. I'm not sure if my friends would be interested in coming to my church, or if they'd like it or have fun. I wouldn't be embarrassed to bring a friend to church; I just think they wouldn't be interested. Not many of my friends go to church regularly.

I know I belong to my church because I know the people there and the people know me. I don't know if other people know I belong. I usually stay during the service with my mom but, sometimes, I go to Sunday school. Every other weekend, I go to my dad's, so I don't go to youth group very often. For kids my age (12), our church has Sunday school and youth group once we're 13 or in Grade 7. I wish the church would have more things like days when there are games and stuff for the kids to do, like picnics or dinners, times when we could bring our friends.

Kids between 11 and 14 don't participate in worship services very often because people don't ask us. I would take up the offering or maybe sing in the choir if someone asked me. I'm shy so I don't really want to participate in the service by reading the Scripture or anything like that. I would take up the collection or something that doesn't draw much attention to me.

If I could change anything about Sunday school, I'd have more games and interactive things. I don't like that all the different age groups are separated because I think it would be good for the older kids to interact with the kindergarten kids. We could teach them stuff and tell them stories about God from the Bible as well as the teachers tell them. Then the kids would all get to know each other and have a good relationship. The teachers aren't mean like some teachers at school but, sometimes, they sort of treat us like babies by the way they talk to us and by the tone of voice they use. But that doesn't happen very often.

I would like to talk more about how to handle life situations like getting in trouble at school, or gossiping, or lying, or dating. I'd like to do that in a group discussion with everyone giving his or her point of view. It would be kind of neat to have the older teens leading the discussion because they're closer to our age than adults. Our youth leader thinks of lots of cool stuff to do and she's a really nice person who listens to us. If I had a friend in trouble or with spiritual questions, I guess I'd go to my mom or, maybe, to Rev. Jan or, possibly, to Lauren, our youth group leader -- but only if it was really bad, something I was really worried about.

Susan: Hannah and I have struggled with the question of her involvement at church for the past 18 months or so. It's more like a joint enquiry into the purpose of her participation in group worship than it is any kind of disagreement. She wants to be there; I want her to be there. But she's at an interesting age: she's old enough to be thinking about some pretty big questions, as she has described, but she's still young enough to appreciate some help and to want a lot of fun while she's learning.

So Hannah and I decided to talk to some other people about her age in the Presbyterian Church to see if others were experiencing the same sorts of dilemmas. I freely admit this was also a way for me to open dialogue on faith issues with her, an area she sometimes shrinks from discussing directly, and to encourage her to examine her personal responsibility in these areas. Subtle, I'm not. We came up with a list of 10 questions based on our own conversations and asked them of everyone between 11 and 14 we could find by phone, e-mail or in person.

Young people were generally surprised and pleased to be asked for their input. Most of them are pretty happy with their home churches, and this seems to be a result of the positive relationships they have with other youth and the adults in their churches. But they've also got wish lists.

Too old for flannelgraph Jonah and the whale, and too young for mission trips to Guatemala, 11- to 14-year-olds need to find some place in the middle. What follows are the most frequently mentioned things young people 11 to 14 want from their churches.

Individual acceptance and attention

This age group includes incredible variety in physical and intellectual development. A 13-year-old boy, for example, might be four feet 11 inches and weigh 75 pounds, or he might be six feet tall and weigh 140 pounds. A 12-year-old girl might be working eight hours a week at her part-time job and saving diligently toward her long-term goal of buying a horse, or she might be playing Barbies every weekend with her best friend. One of the neatest things about this age group is that, on Monday, they may be talking about the upcoming school dance and their career plans and, on Tuesday, all they care about is digging a new tunnel in the backyard for a brilliant frogman game that's just occurred to them. Same kid, different day.

Does the variety within this group make it tough to plan programming? Well, it does and it doesn't. What the young people we spoke with want are activities that allow for individual choice, one-on-one time with adults who listen to them with respect, and the opportunity to have their opinions taken seriously, whether they get voted down by the majority of their peers or not.

Even the most well-meaning among us get caught not paying attention from time to time. One parent I spoke with noted that, when she meets one of her son's friends on the street, she looks him in the eye and says hello. Because she knows the boy, she hardly notices his eyebrow ring or flak jacket. However, when she came upon a group of the boys together, she looked away and walked past without speaking. The kids hadn't changed, she had. She didn't see them as individual friends of the family when they were in a group; they became simply another cluster of potentially hostile young teens. (One time, she passed a group of boys on the street, only to hear her son's voice calling indignantly, "Mom!?!")

Individual acceptance means seeing young people as valuable, potential friends regardless of what they wear, or how they fix their hair, or how loudly they laugh, or how many skateboards they own. Remember, you're on the same side, not least of all because you're part of the same family of faith.

Participation in worship

There are few things less interesting to young people in this age group than sitting on hard pews and watching adults engage in unexplained routines or intone a distant deity in abstract language. Even shy young people would rather participate actively in worship by taking up the offering or passing out hymn-books.

Some adults are leery of letting young people participate more fully because they fear disrupting the flow of worship. With preparation and teamwork, the benefits of whole-congregation worship far outweigh any faltering. Young people can be part of the joy and awe of worshipping the Lord; they can learn to love worshipping God for life.

A few pointers from young people. If you want to include them as lay readers, encourage the occasional use of a contemporary translation of the Bible, allow them at least a week to practise and offer pronunciation help with those Old Testament names and places. If you want to include them as greeters and ushers, let them do it in pairs if they prefer so they'll be less self-conscious. If you want to open the children's story to their leadership, work with them to come up with a meaningful, effective delivery of the chosen story, at least for the first time or, again, let them do it in teams.

Considering worship from a young teenager's point of view can be difficult, so don't be afraid to ask them directly what they'd like. One 11-year-old we interviewed said he wished worship included "better music" -- and his mother is the hip, young, 38-year-old music director at the church! (She's laying pretty good odds he won't see his 12th birthday!) He knows what he doesn't want, but asking him specifically what he'd consider "better" music might point to contemporary composers, more accessible lyrics and use of piano and guitar rather than the organ. Remember, his ear has been trained differently than our generation's. What sounds like beautiful harmony and lush organ chords to us may sound like so much funeral music to him.

To get willing and frequent participation in worship from young people, think of yourself as a mentor working in partnership with the young people -- a coach, rather than someone delegating an activity to get it off your own to-do list.

Relevance to their lives outside church

Today, 12-year-olds in Grade 7 are being asked to make career choices at school. Gap, Roots, fast-food companies and the music industry are marketing to 10- and 11-year-olds with a vengeance, The average age for a first cigarette, alcohol and drug use, not to mention first sexual activity, gets younger every decade. Educators consider grades 7 and 9 to be the toughest years at school because of the sheer weight of intellectual, social, physical and emotional change taking place in students. Demands at school and home tend to spike in these years, too, as responsibilities and privileges increase.

This is the time, if we haven't done so already, to make that crucial transition from church school as a program that teaches the younger members what to think about Christ and the church -- Bible stories, church doctrine and practice -- to church school as a set of experiences that provide opportunities to practise how to think about Christ and his teaching in their lives.

Try using current events, popular song lyrics, ads from magazines, printed Web pages or movies as starting points for discussion. Begin with the world they encounter every day and invite their responses and commentary. Do less talking and more listening. Then, together, come back to God's Word to see what Scripture teaches about greed, conspicuous consumption, modesty, war, friendship. Show young people how you look things up in the Bible when you need guidance. Take them to the Living Faith statement for our church's accepted doctrine on social justice, community, sexuality and more.

The most immediate benefit for young teens is that starting with issues that affect their daily lives will give them a jumping-off place for bringing their values system into discussions with their peers. The long-term benefit is in showing them how intimately and practically their desire to follow Christ can shape their daily lives, and that God is there with them through it all.

When adults talk to young people, we usually feel an urgent and well-intentioned desire to give them the answers we've fought hard to learn. But what young people want is an opportunity to come up with their own questions. They need help expanding their questions, extending their areas of enquiry and devising questions that lead them to larger truths and bigger questions. This is where adults come in.

Junior high (grades 6 through 8) is the point at which most young people who will leave the church as teenagers decide to do so. (The next critical point is the transition after high school.) Between 11 and 14 years old, boys and girls are making their first forays into the opinions, ideas, habits and practices that will form their life-styles as adults. This is the point at which young Christians learn whether they're welcome in the church or not.

Think of it in terms of including older family members in the home. Do we look them in the eye and greet them by name with open arms, or do we turn our backs and walk into another room? Do we invite them to sit in a comfortable, appropriate chair, or do we make all family members sit on the floor because that's what we prefer? We accommodate our elders with the generosity of spirit and genuine respect to which they are entitled. Let's do the same for younger family members, to let them know how welcome they are to share our church home and our faith lives with us. We're richer for having their energy and vision in our midst. And who else will remind us that some in the temple once viewed Jesus as a smart-alecky 12-year-old, telling his elders-and-betters how the world ought to be run?

Susan and Hannah Atkinson are members of Knox Church in Woodstock, Ont. Susan is a free-lance writer.

The search for identity

John Pinck is the president of the Presbyterian Young People's Society of the Synod of Quebec and Eastern Ontario. He has begun a Web site that's worth keeping an eye on at www.crosswinds.net/[sim]pyps/main.html. It includes photos, news, events listings and more. John provided these comments on his own experience between the ages of 11 and 14 at St. Andrew's Church in Ottawa.

On thinking back to when I was that age, I think one of the great things my Sunday school teacher did was break away from the church school curriculum and put a focus on current news and events. He would usually start the class by asking, "Did you see in the news today that ... ?" or something similar. Then he would help us form our own opinions and let us reflect on whether our reactions to the world were what Scripture says they should be.... We would pray for God's help in guiding our thoughts and feelings. The teacher helped us grow by getting us to watch the news and keep up with current events while, at the same time, guiding us through the Christian way.

One of the only things I feel could have been better in my church was the general church population had not passed judgment on young teenagers because of their appearance. At this point in their lives, they are searching for identity. We can all think back to that age and see the different fads we went through. As embarrassing as they sometimes may be, they were all a part of our search for identity. During that search, church members should be especially interested and eager to make church part of who that young individual is. The church must nurture the individual through this period of searching, and not simply dismiss it as a life-style choice.

Jonah and the whale

It's time to tell you a tale

Of Jonah and a great whale.

It started a long time ago

In a place of sin and woe.

Ninevah was a bad city

And the Lord was not taking pity,

So Jonah was to go one day

And order them to change their way.

In fear Jonah decided to flee

And sailed out upon the sea.

He slept in the hold of a ship

Planning on a very long trip.

A storm of great magnitude came

And the sailors found Jonah to blame.

They prayed to their god but the storm got worse.

They rowed very hard but were under a curse.

They prayed to the Lord and cast Jonah in the sea.

The storm then stopped and they were set free.

God sent a whale to save Jonah's life-

It swallowed him up without pain or strife.

Jonah then prayed to the Lord

That he would deliver his word.

For three long days and weary nights,

Jonah saw just darkness, no lights.

Then the whale spit Jonah out on land.

He then entrusted his life to God's hand.

written for a Grade 10 school project by Tara Kergan of St. Mark's Church in Moose Jaw, Sask.

After a study of the book of Jonah, children in the church school St. Mark's, Moose Jaw, Sask., Created a mural called Jonah and the Whale. Seated front (L to R): Mart-Marie Van Heerden, Jacques Van Heerden, Marlene de Bruin, Carman Fielding, Chelsea Fielding, Elizabeth Song, Rachel Steinhoff. Standing Debbie Song, Waldi de Bruin, Beno Van Heerden, Ben Song. Missing: Tara, Callie and Lindy Kergan.

When she turned nine years old, Jaime Apps of Kelowna, B.C., asked friends coming to her birthday party to bring food to be donated to charity rather than birthday presents. At St. David's Church in Kelowna, Jaime had heard about the Servants Anonymous Sociey that provides a safe house for prostitutes trying to give up the street life. How did she feel about not getting any presents? I have enough things already," Jamie said. "It felt fine."

A holy moment

A few years ago, we began sharing The Peace on a weekly basis during our worship service. It took a while before we Presbyterians became completely comfortable with it. Now, however, children and adults take part willingly and warmly. People reach over to those who are new or visiting and even move out of their pews and down or across the aisle. Almost every Sunday, at least one child stretches out his or her hand to share The Peace with me.

One Sunday, I was about to return to the pulpit when I noticed tiny Ashley of senior kindergarten age purposefully coming down the aisle, arm outstretched. She headed toward Katelyn who was new to Fonthill, Ontario, and had recently entered junior kindergarten at Ashley's school. I stopped to watch as the two little girls, oblivious of the adults around them, shared The Peace. Truly, it was a holy moment.

-- Elizabeth Kidnew, minister of Kirk on the Hill, Fonthill, Ont.

For further study and action

1. Make a list of the names of the 11-to 14-year-olds in your congregation. Make a commitment to meet and talk to at least one each Sunday.

2. Make a list of the gifts 11-to 14-year-olds can bring to a congregation.

3. Write or talk to your session and/or worship and music committee encouraging them to include young people in planning and participating in worship services.

4. The author says that in reaching and teaching 11- to 14-year-olds, we need to begin by talking about issues the affect their lives, that we should do less talking and more listening, and that we should provide opportunities for young people to ask questions. How does your congregation provide for this? What can you do personally to ensure this will happen?

Selected resources:

Arp, David and Claudia. Suddenly They're 13, or The Art of Hugging a Cactus: A parent's survival guide for the adolescent years (Zondervan, 1999). Support and information for parents of early adolescents, including specifics on development and "graduating kids into adulthood." From a Christian point of view, gentle, funny, practical ideas.

Brodkin, Margaret & Coleman Advocates for Children & Youth. Every Kid Counts: 31 ways to save our children (Harper Collins, 1993). Gives practical ways for parents and others to advocate for and act in support of children and youth in families, neighbourhoods and communities. Many of these ideas translate well into the church community.

Burns, Jim. Radical Christianity: Living Your Life for the Ultimate Cause -- Jesus Christ! (Regal, 1996). High energy encounter with life-transforming Christian commitment, with a strong emphasis on setting priorities and developing integrity and self-discipline -- done in an appealing and fun way.

Dockery, Karen. The Youth Worker's Guide to Creative Bible Study (Broadman & Holman, 1999). If you can't find one of the 350 ideas in here, that will bring out the best in your 11- to 14-year-old youth and encourage them to seek God's will in his Word, then I give up! Everything from cootie-catchers to create-a-date.

Kise, Jane and Kevin Johnson. Find Your Fit Discovery Workbook (Bethany, 1999). This workbook designed for teens takes them through a Myers-Briggs-style personality and aptitude self assessment that challenges youth to identify and use their gifts. Adults can try it, too!