A mother's MISSION.

Judy Shepard talks about her son Matthew, his legacy, and her own newfound activism

Almost five months have passed since Matthew Shepard was found bloodied and near death in a field outside Laramie, Wyo. His murder--and, more important, his life--still continue to affect us. No one feels that more than Matthew's mother, Judy Shepard, who found herself thrust into the spotlight at a time of intense private grief. Now she is ready to speak out, not just about her own loss but also about what good may come of it. Sadly, Shepard's pain is not unique. Dorothy Hajdys-Holman recalls the brutal murder of her son Alien Schindler. Meanwhile, gays and lesbians seek ways to make sense of Shepard's death. While grassroots activists are working harder than ever to build a political base to secure lasting justice, a lively debate has broken out over whether the two suspects in the case should face the death penalty.

As Judy Shepard drives through Casper, Wyo., on a brisk Sunday morning, she points out the way things used to be. Before she and her husband moved the family to Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, for his job as an oil safety engineer. Before her two sons left for boarding school. And, of course, before her elder son, Matthew, was left to die on a fence in Laramie, Wyo., about 180 miles south of Casper.

She passes through a subdivision on a bluff outside the town of about 50,000 to look at her family's old home. It's the two-story one on the ridge--the nicest on the block. On a clear day like today, you can see the white tops of the Bighorn Mountains from the backyard.

She points out Matthew's junior high school and Casper College, where Matthew performed in several productions. Was he a good actor? "You're asking the wrong person," she says, admitting the bias of a proud mother. Shepard was clearly close to her son; on her last visit to Wyoming before the fatal attack, she and Matthew spent five hours together in a restaurant just talking and enjoying each other's company.

On this day not all of Judy Shepard's memories are as happy as that one. At the family's church, St. Mark's Episcopal, she drives past the black fence in the park across the street that corralled the Rev. Fred Phelps and his antigay clan during Matthew's funeral. In the same park is a tree planted a month ago by some of Matthew's former classmates.

The 46-year-old Shepard looks different today than she did in October, when the world first saw her on the day of Matthew's funeral. Her shoulder-length hair is longer and redder--the water in Saudi Arabia bleaches it. But she still looks like a mom. And at only 5 feet, 2 inches, she looks like Matthew's mom.

Someone meeting Judy Shepard for the first time might think her naive. It's an impression her understated voice and demeanor don't belie. But if you spend time with her and listen to her story, it's clear that any naivete she may have had has been elbowed away by bewilderment, loneliness, and the determination that something good come from her son's death.

While 18-year-old son Logan is away at boarding school and husband Dennis is in Saudi Arabia earning the family's keep, Shepard is back in Casper after six years. She's here to lay the groundwork for the Matthew Shepard Foundation, which she says will be "dedicated to the principle of helping people move beyond tolerance to embrace and rejoice in diversity." In an exclusive interview with The Advocate, she discusses her plans for the foundation, talks about the effort to maintain privacy for herself and her family, and remembers the joys and struggles of Matthew's life.

Until now, I know a lot of the contact you've had with people with regard to Matthew has been through the Internet. Were you an Internet person before this?

No. Living in Saudi Arabia, we had no live Internet. So I had no experience with the Internet at all. But I have a niece who's a computer nerd, and she was showing me how to find things on the Web. I had been hearing so many things about the Web sites dedicated to Matt that I wanted to see them. There were so many E-mail letters we got that I knew there must have been a lot of discussion on the Internet about it.

How did the E-mail make you feel?

At first I found reading the messages very hard. The same with the cards because it brings up such an emotional reaction. But as I go through them all, it's very cathartic to share that hurt, to know that so many people cared about him--and about us--and actually took the time to take a pen to paper or type out a message on the E-mail. It's really very touching, very strengthening to me.

Were you surprised by the mail?

Oh, totally, totally amazed. Still am when I look at all of it. It's just overwhelming how many people responded in a positive way--very, very few otherwise; they're in my weird file. But it's been a very overwhelming, amazing, and totally wonderful--in an odd sense--experience to know that so many people would care.

How many total letters would you say you've received?

About 10,000 letters and 70,000 E-mails. We received letters, cards, gifts, stuffed animals, blankets, food. Some people just sent a card and signed their names, and some wrote amazing 20-page letters--just whatever the spirit moved them to write. I'm going to read them all, and they will be answered, but not personally.

Can you tell me a little bit about the Matthew Shepard Foundation and your plans for it?

Well, we've only begun laying the groundwork. So I don't have a mission statement. We only have a basic idea. And the idea is that we will be a foundation that will have fund-raisers, seminars, and symposiums based on education about tolerance and diversity. But I will not be developing one of my own education programs. There are so many already in existence--some struggling--that if I find them meeting what my ideas are, then we will be helping them.

So you're very much at the beginning stages?

Oh, absolutely, absolutely.

Do you have ultimate goals in mind?

Actually, we're so far in the beginning that I don't even have those yet. I just want to make a positive difference. Even if it only lasts a year, I feel we will have affected more people than already have been--that we will reach people somehow.

Are you hoping to reach those like Matthew or those like the people who hurt Matthew?

I guess I'm trying to reach them all. Everybody has a right to live a life free of fear. The people like Matthew have a right to live their lives and be true to themselves. And the people [like those] who hurt Matthew also have a right to live their lives, as long as they do it without hurting other people. What happened to the days of just being nice to each other? Why do we have to feel that we need to express every bit of everything all the time? You know? I'm just trying to reach everybody. And to show people with the phobias and the fears that they're groundless. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm going to try.

Are you surprised to find yourself an activist?

Oh, totally. I've always been an activist in my own mind, but I so dislike the public eye that I would not be out there doing anything. Among my friends or those who see us, I'm opinionated, and I speak out. But doing it in front of people--I just couldn't ever do it. So I'm amazed at my role right now. I feel Matt sitting here [points to her shoulder], just pushing me, just going, "I know you can do it. I know you can." Even though he knows I hate it.

Is this the kind of thing he would have wanted to have been doing?

Yes. He's not a rostrum beater. He doesn't get up there and pound his fist and say, "This is the way it should be." But he would love to be out there sharing ideas and talking and debating the issues and trying to make a difference.

And you're kind of doing this for him.

Yes, I owe it to him.

When I heard about the foundation and I started seeing your name, I was just amazed that you were able to be doing this so soon. [Deep breath]

Does everybody say that?

Yes.

People would assume that you would have to retreat and be by yourself for so long. Where do you find the strength to do something like this?

I find I can deal with it better ... if I could retreat, I would retreat. [Crying] Sorry. I need to stay busy. I don't know--I don't know how to put it in words. I feel that it's something I have to do. So many people have asked us to do something to not let Matt be forgotten, and we have to give them the opportunity to do something. Dennis, Logan, and I felt that I would be the one who would have to do it. And it's not easy. To be here alone and doing it. [Crying] But Matt's with me, and together we'll make a difference.

Do you have family out here?

No, my family is all scattered. I have a lot of friends here, though. And they're wonderful. I also find that in order to deal with everything and to talk about Matt every day, I have to build a little pocket to put my emotions away in and deal with it in a sort of a third-person detachment. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes it sneaks up on me, like right now. But I know it's something I have to do, so I'll take it just a day at a time.

Have you talked to other parents who have been in similar situations?

No, but I've received a lot of correspondence from those parents and from victims themselves.

Does that provide support?

Oh, yes. Actually, it also supplies a reason to go on--thinking maybe it wouldn't happen again if we're really successful at what we're doing.

What other kinds of people have you met since Matthew's death?

The only people who come up to me are people who already knew me. My face really hasn't been publicized, so they don't really know who I am. I get an awful lot of mail, but I really have not had direct contact because I've had so many people protecting me.

Have there been a lot of people looking for you?

Yeah. Media people mostly.

Are they successful in finding you?

No.

Did the press make it more difficult for you?

Yes. When we first got to the States, we picked up our son Logan and went to Colorado. That's when we found out the events surrounding Matt's attack had been in the national newspapers. And it was very upsetting. We felt something had been taken from us--our privacy, our own lives. We immediately had the idea of total exploitation--National Enquirer-type, horrific exploitation--and it was very upsetting. When we realized how many people were positively responding because of the news reports, we realized our take on the media had been wrong.

But at first...

The press made it very difficult for us to maintain anonymity in that we had to secretly be led in and out of the hospital. But if they had really tried to find us, they could have. They were, as we look back now, really respectful of our wishes to be left alone. Even when we came to Casper--especially when we came to Casper--because we just couldn't be that secret here. But for about a day we felt it was a total invasion. We got some pretty strange requests mediawise too. But overall, the media were really pretty fair to us.

Requests like what? To appear on 20/20?

Yeah, and Larry King--and I'm thinking, Oh, jeez, there's just no way.

Within the same time as the funeral? Yeah, yeah.

Were you able to follow the press at that time?

Only our local newspapers. We were so busy planning the funeral and trying to make sure that only our friends and family could get into the church and not a bunch of reporters. Our time was taken up with burying our son. And in the hospital we didn't care about anything else. We just devoted all of our time and attention to Matt, and that was it.

I had heard there was some resentment on your and your husband's part regarding people who went on Larry King to talk about Matt. Was that true?

Kind of. We felt that, in particular, some individuals were hopping on the media wagon, and not to Matt's benefit. Maybe they had his best interest at heart, but there was some resentment.

Many people made the connection between his death and the national campaign saying that people can be cured of homosexuality--that it is something that should be cured. Was this a valid connection? Do you think the campaign in some way incited hatred?

I don't know anything about the campaign. I don't want to comment on that. I didn't know anything about it until I read your piece ["From Soft Words to Hard Fists," November 24 issue of The Advocate]. I think it's ridiculous that anybody thinks that there's a choice to be made. I guess that's all I really have to say about that.... It's just one of those things I don't pay attention to. It's just so stupid. It just makes me mad.

Were you surprised by the level of hatred, like that from Fred Phelps, for example? Did that affect you in any way?. Did you see it?

No, we never saw it. We were very protected from it. We did, of course, hear about it and see the pictures that appeared in the national media. At the time it was like, OK, they've accomplished just what they wanted to--they got national exposure; they're being talked about. And they still are being talked about. But a friend pointed out to me that what they are doing is showing people the depths of their hatred and their ignorance. But as far as my personal reaction to them? It wasn't worth one. Nothing is going to change their minds, and that's just the way they are.

Would you say anything to them?

Oh, no. They're not worth that energy.

Did you know about all the demonstrations? I'm talking about the positive ones now.

I knew of a few. The one in Fort Collins [Colo.], of course, because we were there for part of that one. The one in Laramie. But as far as across the nation, no.

When did those come to your attention?

Well, we started reading the newspapers after the funeral, and that's when we found out about them--like the one in New York that got so out of hand and then the smaller ones at colleges. They started sending us photos and newspaper articles and placards with signatures and cards, and that's when we we really found out about the magnitude and the quantity worldwide.

Obviously Matthew struck a chord with a lot of people, especially with gays and lesbians. Even though people didn't know him, they felt that they did. Did this surprise you?

No, it didn't. In the two or three press releases Dennis and I did, we tried to explain the kind of person Matt was. And as I reread them I realized that they really painted a pretty full picture of who he was and that people would identify with everything we said. He was just a kid who liked everything. He wasn't different from anybody. And I think it was just so easily identifiable for everyone, gays and straights alike.

There have been so many other people who have been attacked and killed, and for some reason, this time everything came together and took everybody's attention. Was Matthew an everyman sort of kid? Or was there something about him that made people feel particularly close to him?

I can't answer that, other than to say that it seems the photo released at that time just so showed his youth and his ... just showed him, just showed how trusting and youthful and naive he was. And so full of promise and a future and just a regular kid.

How did he come out to you?

He called me on the phone from North Carolina and told me that he was gay. And I said, "And that means I'm supposed to have some reaction?" I had known for a long time.

Had you ever talked to him about it?

We sort of talked around it. I wanted to give him the opportunity to tell me face-to-face, but he wouldn't do it. He wasn't ready, and I wasn't going to ask him. If he wasn't ready, he wasn't ready.

How did you know?

I don't know. I had known for a long time. I think I knew before he did.

When he was a little kid?

I think I did.

You could tell a difference between him and his brother?

Yeah. And I can't explain it, so don't even ask me to. I just knew.

How old was he when he told you?

Eighteen. He was very afraid to tell his dad. And he built up this worst-case scenario, and that was the one he always carried around. So it was longer than that before he told his dad, even though his dad knew because I had told him. There was no reaction from him either. There was a sense of loss in that you're not going to have that traditional wedding, daughter-in-law, children, grandchildren kind of thing, but he was still our son, and we still loved him. Everything about him that we loved was still him. That didn't change. But Matt was more afraid to tell his dad, thinking that--actually, I don't know what he thought. But Dennis was always very accepting, and I think Matt had a hard time understanding that he was.

Did he ask you to keep it a secret from his dad?

No. They talked around it for a long time before Matt finally just said "I am."

Was that over the phone too?

No, it was in person.

After he came out to you, was he more comfortable being out in public? Did he come out to other people then?

I think he came out to his friends in high school before he did to me. In fact, they have told me they knew in high school he was gay. That was one of the things in articles that wasn't true--that he was openly gay. He was confident in who he was, but he was also confident in knowing who he should not tell. I thought he was. So if people asked him, he would say yes. But he didn't put a sign around his neck saying I'M GAY. He was fearful.

Did he tell of instances where he'd had a problem?

No. I have a feeling there were a lot of things he didn't tell us because he didn't want to worry us.

Were you concerned about his personal safety?

Oh, yes, and for a lot of reasons--one of them being that he was so small but his mouth was so big. He just never, ever let the fact that he was small ever get in the way of his expressing his opinion. And that worried me.

What kind of things would he do?

He would stick up for himself and others--just jump right in there. And that really concerned me because he was so small. He had no idea how to defend himself. He just knew things were wrong, and he wasn't going to let it go by. He was never, as I recall, ever hurt by that physically--emotionally but not ever physically.

Where did he go to boarding school?

Switzerland. There are no high schools for Western kids in Saudi Arabia, so they all have to go to boarding school.

Have you met a lot of his friends?

I have met none of his friends in Laramie, but I've met his older friends from school here, in Casper, and his boarding school friends.

Did he have boyfriends?

You know, that was part of his life he never shared. I knew he had one in North Carolina, but I don't want to talk about him. He was on the Internet with someone he evidently felt quite close to as well. I've heard about him, but I've not met him yet. Other than that, I don't know.

None have come forward to talk to you?

No. And his other friends have said that he was just really careful about forming a relationship, again because he was fearful. He felt that if he made a friend and they didn't know he was gay and if they found out later he was and it was a problem, he had just wasted all that time. "Why do that?" he told us. "Why start a relationship on false grounds?"

So, in between the time you kind of figured out he was gay and when he told you he was, was there a learning process for you about gay people?

Yes, there was. I knew several gay people in my own personal life. And I guess the learning process was about my own ignorance and trying to come to terms with Matt. I was so ignorant about the kind of community life he would need to be safe. I didn't join any support groups or anything because I never felt I needed to. I never had a problem accepting him. That was not a problem for me or with Dennis or even with Logan. None of us were surprised.

Since his death, has that learning curve continued?

I was always very afraid for Matt's personal safety, and I knew there were attacks going on everywhere, all the time. I don't think I was aware of how many really severe ones there were until this happened to Matt. Because now I've heard about so many. And I don't think they make the news the way Matt's did. And I've heard from several people who didn't report incidents because they weren't ready for it to be known that they were gay. I find that very sad, very sad.

But do you understand that?

Yes, I do understand that. Yes, I do.

What would you say to those people?

I don't want to say anything. I wouldn't know what to say. It's a matter of choice. And they have to come out when they're ready. And if they don't feel comfortable doing it...I mean, it's a travesty that they feel that they need to be hidden. But things will never change until everybody takes a stand.

When he moved back to Wyoming last year, did you think he would be safer?

I did feel he would be safer. I also felt that he would be lonelier because I felt the gay scene in Laramie would be much smaller than what he was used to.

But he wanted to come home?

He wanted to come home. He was ready. He wanted to experience the nature of Wyoming--the mountains and the things he had left behind. He wanted to come back to where it was small enough that he could get around, where there were people he already knew, and where there was still the environment of a university and an international student presence.

He was majoring in political science--what did he want to do with that?

He wanted to go into the foreign service and work with human rights issues overseas--all human rights.

His story has certainly changed some people's opinions regarding human rights, but do you have any fears that he'll be exploited for political purposes?

Yes, I do. Matt was a human rights activist who happened to be gay. I don't think--and this is only my opinion--I don't think he would want to be the poster child for gay activists because there were some points in their doctrine that he didn't agree with. He was more a believer in that if there was better care in what's already here.., yes, there are some specifically needed...I can't go there. Sorry. I'm digging myself a hole I know I'm not going to get out of.

Can you tell me some of the things he didn't agree with?

He felt that the same rules should apply to everyone and that there shouldn't have to be a separate set of rules for specific groups. Because we're all people. But he also knew that just wasn't going to happen. So specific laws that said you can't fire gays, you can't discriminate in housing for gays, gay marriages--he was for that. But I can't really say what he did not support. I guess we talked more about what he did agree with. But I know there were some things that he thought were too...isolating. I'm just really hesitant to talk about the hate-crimes legislation, though. I just don't know enough about it to really put forth my own opinion.

Is it something you want to educate yourself about more?

Oh, yes, definitely. And at some time I will have things to say about it. But also because of the charitable nature of the foundation, I really can't have a political stand.

There were some things about gay people that embarrassed him, though, right?

Yes. I can only think of one specific instance. In general, it was the stereotypical gay bars with sex going on rampantly in the bathrooms. But there was one specific instance in a park, and it really angered Matt. He said, "That's just whoring, and it sets back people's views on gay relationships so far that it brings forth the stereotypical view of gay men and that they're incapable of having a committed relationship--a monogamous, committed relationship." He was really upset about it.

Are you talking about George Michael?

I don't want to name names. That's burning bridges, in my opinion, and I don't want to do that.

Where do gay people meet each other in a place like Wyoming?.

I suppose I really can't answer that either, except that they meet at organizational meetings, and Matt used to call it gaydar. You just sort of know, and you tentatively begin a conversation and sort of decide whether each other is gay or not. But there are no social gathering places. When you move to a place, you hear about it underground, you know? But there are no gay clubs in Wyoming.

Was the Fireside Lounge supposed to be gay-friendly?

Gay-friendly? Oh, they were all gay-friendly, I think, to a point. It was a bar that welcomed everyone. College students, everyone felt comfortable there.

Had he talked about the bar?

Oh, yeah. I know he went there quite a lot. In fact, I was beginning to worry that he had a drinking problem. He went there too often, especially with the medications he was on.

For depression?

Uh-huh. He shouldn't have been drinking at all.

What kind of medications?

He was taking Effexor for depression and something called Klonopin for anxiety.

Did that have anything to do with his being gay?.

I think it was a factor.

One of several?

Yes.

Was he lonely out here?

Matt could have a million friends and still be lonely. He was just really insecure in his friendships. He could have a bazillion friends and always feel that he needed more. He just liked everybody to be around all the time.

Is that why he went out a lot, do you think? To meet new people?

Well, I guess.

I'm struck by your talk about gaydar and the discrepancies in the stories of that night as to whether he tried to pick up those two guys or not. Do you think faulty gaydar played a role that night at ail?

Oh, I have no idea. I think Matt did have a tendency to overcompensate for his fear. He would say, "Oh, I'm being irrational." You know? "Why am I afraid of them?" And he would do things that maybe he wouldn't do ordinarily. And that's only supposition. I'm just grabbing at straws to figure out why he went with them. I don't know.

Is that a question that's going to always bug you?

Yes.

Do you hope an answer will come out at one of the trials?

Oh, I'm sure it won't. I'm sure it won't.

He was hurt before, right? In Morocco? Can you tell me about that?

He was on a school trip his senior year, and he was in Morocco and had gone out to a coffeehouse alone, and he was speaking to other exchange students. And on the way back to the hotel, some [male] locals grabbed him, and he was raped and robbed.

How many people were there?

I don't know. He never told us the details.

How did you find out about it?

He called me in Saudi Arabia from Morocco to tell me. And I could not go to him any sooner than he could come to me. It would have taken me longer to get the proper paperwork to get out of Saudi Arabia and into Morocco. So I think he was there one more day, maybe two, before he could leave and come to Saudi Arabia.

Was he hospitalized?

He was examined and released to the police to help find the attackers.

Was this what triggered his emotional problems?

Well, in high school, as we talked about before, he suffered a little depression, but this Morocco incident was certainly a major factor in his current medical condition. He suffered anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and depression. He just felt that as time went by he wasn't getting any better at being able to deal with the attack. He was still afraid of groups and strangers. There would be times when it didn't bother him at all, and sometimes he would be paralyzed by his anxiety.

So much so that he had thoughts of suicide and considered checking into an assisted living facility, right?

Yeah, he did consider that for a while. That was when he lived in Denver and he felt very isolated. He thought a smaller community would be better for him, so he moved to Laramie.

Then there was a report in The Cody [Wyo.] Enterprise that last August he befriended some people in a bar, accompanied them to a nearby lake, and then later was punched in the face by a bartender. Did that happen?

I really can't say. He felt safe with these people, and he didn't know what happened. He couldn't remember. He had blackouts--and he didn't remember anything other than flashbacks from Morocco. He said he liked those people and felt that they liked him. I think he felt safe when he left with them.

Did they say what happened?

I believe in the newspaper report the bartender said Matt had made a pass at him.

And do you believe that?

Well, it's not Matt. It's not the Matt I know, and it's not the Matt other people know.

When you first heard about the October 6 attack, you were in Saudi Arabia, right?

Uh-huh.

Did you automatically assume he was attacked because he was gay?

Yeah, I assumed it. I just couldn't think of another reason why anybody would beat him. In fact, every time the phone would ring and you'd hear that long-distance ping, you just say this silent prayer to yourself, Oh, please let Matt be OK.

How long did it take you to get here?

It was 4 a.m. Thursday our time when we received the call, which would have made it about 6 p.m. Wednesday Wyoming time. We got in at 4 p.m. Friday. It was horrible. It just drug on and drug on and drug on.

You were able to get your other son?

We called him at school and told him that we were picking him up and we were going to Colorado.

Did he know before you got him?

I don't think so. I went one direction when we got to the airport, and Dennis went the other direction with Logan. I called Colorado to check on Matt, and Dennis was talking to Logan, and I'm pretty sure that's when he told Logan.

Were you able to get updates on Matthew's condition when you were coming back to the States?

No. We had no idea until we got here.

The first trial begins March 22. Will you be there?

Yes. I'll be at all of them.

Is your husband going to attend too?

No. The company told him he could have unpaid leave. But we can't afford to do that because we have a son getting ready to go to college and we can't go without pay for six months.

Are you afraid? Do you anticipate a feeling of anger or fear?

No. We went to the preliminary hearings, and I didn't experience any of that. I have no feelings toward the defendants at all. To acknowledge their presence requires some kind of emotion, and I don't want to expend any of that on them. The fear I have is of just being there and hearing what happened. I just have to do that.

Are you afraid you'll hear something that you haven't heard before?

Oh, sure. I mean, he didn't live with us for six years, and he had a very private life, other than what he would tell us. And no child tells his parents everything. And I'm sure the defense is doing everything they can to find ways to make Matt a less sympathetic individual. So I'm sure things will come out that I've not known before. I don't know necessarily that it will be bad, but I'm sure I'll hear things I don't know. It would be difficult for my parents to learn about things I did! So I'm sure something will come out.

But today, knowing your son as only his mother could, what do you think his legacy will be?

Oh, gosh, just that he opened people's eyes. I hope to make it a long-lasting one. If he's changed anybody's mind in any way, it's been a successful legacy. Far-reaching, I have no idea. I hope I can see it in my lifetime.

RELATED ARTICLE: MATT'S HIV STATUS

Will the victim be made the predator at the upcoming trial?

When the trial of Russell Henderson, one of two men accused of killing Matthew Shepard, begins this month, the mystery of Shepard's HIV status may be part of it. The question of whether Shepard was HIV-positive first surfaced in the March issue of Vanity Fair. In a long article about Shepard, writer Melanie Thernstrom reported that the AIDS virus was found in Shepard's blood when he was being treated after the attack. "The infection, detected in the hospital, was thought to have been a very recent one," Thernstrom writes. She says that Shepard had not told his friends or his mother he was positive and likely did not know himself.

Thernstrom does not cite any sources for her information, which would normally be confidential. She does say that two Latino men allegedly beaten by McKinney and Henderson the same night of the attack on Shepard were treated with drugs on the off chance that they were exposed to Shepard's blood on a weapon used in both assaults. A deputy coroner in Albany County, Wyo., where the autopsy on Shepard's body was performed, says that information about Shepard's HIV status does not and would not necessarily appear in the autopsy report.

Judy Shepard says, "I can't comment one way or the other. It's part of the trial information." She does note that Matthew was regularly tested for HIV after he was sexually assaulted in Morocco three years ago and that the test results were always negative.

Should the defense try to raise the issue of Matthew's HIV status, it would not be the first time such information has been used to raise questions about a victim. Dianne Hardy Garcia, executive director of the Lesbian/Gay Rights Lobby of Texas, says she recalls one case in particular, the 1994 trial for the murder of Tommy Musick in the Midland-Odessa, Tex., area, in which a similar defense strategy was used: "The murderers said they killed him because Tommy made a pass at them and they had heard he was HIV-positive. They felt he was trying to harm them, so it was self-defense." The claim worked, Hardy-Garcia says. The two men accused of Musick's murder received relatively light sentences.

--John Gallagher

RELATED ARTICLE: HIKING AGAINST HATE

Activists plan to honor the memory of hate-crimes victims with a 2,500-mile walk

The night Matthew Shepard died, Lee Thompson of Gold Bar, Wash., awoke with a start. "I started crying," he recalls. "Nothing was wrong. I felt really peaceful." Thompson logged on to the Internet, where he found that Shepard had just died. "I started having a conversation with Matt," Thompson says. "I told him I would help him."

Out of that night came Thompson's idea for a hike in memory of Shepard and other victims of bias-related attacks. Plans call for the International Hike Against Hate and Violence to start June 3 in Skagway, Alaska, and finish October 12--the first anniversary of Shepard's death--in Fort Collins, Colo. The hike is sponsored by the International Hate and Violence Education Foundation, which Thompson formed after Shepard's murder.

The hikers will carry a flame along their trip, passing through such cities as Edmonton, Canada; Billings, Mont.; and Cheyenne, Wyo. Matthew Shepard's mother, Judy Shepard, plans to join the hikers on the last leg of the journey. In Fort Collins the hikers will light an eternal flame in memory of Matthew and other hate-crimes victims. Thompson says they also hope to erect a memorial statue.

Thompson chose a route for the 2,500-mile hike that would be international in scope. "I read stories about people hiking across the United States," he says. "I thought it had been done, but it could be international if it went through Canada." So far about 15 people, including some of Shepard's friends, have said they will participate in the hike. Thompson expects that their numbers will be augmented by citizens of the towns the hikers pass through.

The goal of the hike, Thompson says, is "to create awareness and support for organizations trying to end hate." Through pledges he hopes to raise $1 million, to be divided among a variety of groups, including the sponsoring organization, the Matthew Shepard Foundation, and Mothers Against Violence in America.

-- John Gallagher