A moral compass. (For Parents Particularly).

Andy found the puppy one cold afternoon. It was love at first sight! Because it was late, we agreed to wait until morning to decide what to do. The puppy slept in a box near Andy's bed. Andy came to breakfast the next morning, puppy in arms. With a sigh, he said, "I guess we'll have to see if she has a home before I can keep her. I'll make signs to post."

A girl from Russia joined Laura's kindergarten in the United States. After the first day, Laura reported, "She can't speak English and everyone laughs at her! I'd feel lonely if people laughed at me. She's going to be my friend." At first, the other children teased Laura. Weeks later, she said, "I'm teaching Ludi English, and now everyone wants to play with her."

On the first day back at school after Sarah's grandmother had died, two of Sarah's friends came over to her and hugged her. All three of them cried. Later, they listened as Sarah told them about her grandmother.

Waiting for a table at a restaurant, we were talking over the buzz of conversations around us. My son began chatting happily with a woman in a wheelchair. When we got to our table, Scott explained to us: "When you sit in a chair, you are below all the people and they forget to talk to you. I'm sometimes left out and I guess she is, too. So we could be friends."

As parents, we want our children to reach their full academic potential. We read to them, encourage their special talents, and support them when they have problems. If they choose to participate in music or sports, we also help them reach their potential in those areas. We "chauffeur" them after school so that they can attend practices, classes, and competitions. These are all good goals.

There is, however, an even more important goal. It is a goal more difficult than excellence in arithmetic or soccer or the violin. Parents are responsible for providing their children with a moral compass. They need to nurture and treasure goodness in their children. Some children excel in music and others shine in math. Every child, however, has the capacity to become a good, decent human being. To fulfill this capacity, children need the guidance and support of parents and other adults. Raising good, moral children is the most important job we will have.

What is a good, decent human being? While we may differ on some details, most would agree that respect for others, kindness and caring, honesty and honor, and a reverence for life are key. Good, decent human beings are people with a firm sense of direction and purpose--a moral compass--to guide their lives. Children need our help to develop these characteristics and values.

* Goodness Is Difficult. While most people try to act with honor and kindness, doing so consistently is difficult and requires lifelong effort. We want to be respectful, but some people challenge our resolve. Sometimes we act on prejudices that we have developed from earlier experiences. We want to be caring and kind, but we have other demands in our life. It is easier to put the needs of others on the back burner. Despite our best intentions, decency is sometimes inconvenient.

Goodness is not easy for an adult, and it is even more difficult for a child. Children lack the neurological control necessary to delay gratification. They do not have the knowledge, experiences, or cognitive skills to understand the impact and consequences of their actions. Because we want goodness from our children, we need to help them cultivate a moral compass. How can we help our children as we struggle ourselves to be good?

* Beyond Reinforcement. Reinforcement is sometimes an efficient and hassle-free approach to building positive behavior. The child behaves in a desired way and the parents provide reinforcement. The behavior then typically increases in frequency. This approach works for teaching "Please" and "Thank you." The new behavior is maintained, because it helps the child get along in the world. Moral behavior, however, is not always reinforced. Doing the right thing sometimes can carry painful consequences. It was not easy for Andy to seek the owner of a cherished puppy. It was not easy for Laura to endure teasing from peers. It takes more than reinforcement to provide a moral compass.

* Care Giving. Loving, everyday interactions are the beginning of raising moral children. We know the terrible legacy that abuse can have on the development of a child. Children who have suffered from abuse are more likely to be abusive and violent as adults. They are more likely to find themselves in abusive relationships. Seeing and experiencing abuse shows the child one way people behave towards each other.

The mirror image of abusive parenting receives less attention. What happens to children who experience tender and gentle care? The child who falls and receives adult concern learns how to treat others kindly when they stumble. The child who makes a mistake and is encouraged to try again learns how to support others. When parents intercede graciously for their child, the child can see the basis for friendship. Sarah's friends understood how to provide comfort and solace. When we treat children with respect and care, we provide a positive model of how to behave. These early experiences establish patterns for their treatment of others.

* Perspective-Taking. The ability to empathize is a stepping stone to a moral compass. Children have a natural capacity to "try on" new roles. They dress up in their parent's clothes and they play make-believe. A child becomes a daddy or a firefighter or a teacher. Children can imagine how scary it must be to fight a fire. While these seem like playful divergences, they provide the foundations for emerging roles and social skills. Perspective-taking in childhood play shapes adult empathy and behavior. It builds the child's sensitivity to the feelings and needs of others. Perspective-taking expands a child's respect for others and capacity for caring and kindness.

We can encourage our children to imagine themselves in another person's position. If a young child describes an act of rudeness, we can explore how the victim might feel. As our children get older, their disagreements provide opportunities for perspective-taking. We might ask them to take their friend's or sibling's side of a disagreement. They can try to explain what the friend or sibling wants, why they want it, and how they feel. Instances of distress and disagreement can become opportunities for perspective-taking. The child thus develops empathy and the skills and outlook for lifelong caring. Scott could take the perspective of the woman even though he had never had to use a wheelchair. He felt empathy with a woman who was, in so many ways, different from himself. This empathy directed his actions.

* Modeling Goodness. Our children need to know what behavior is appropriate and expected. We can, of course, tell them. It is far better to also show them. If we want to see honesty, we should return the extra change we receive from a clerk. If we abhor gossip, we need to work to banish it from our conversations. Children will know our commitment to behaving well by watching what we do. We need to model the kind of goodness we would like to see in them.

We nurture a moral compass when we apologize for the mistakes we make that affect our child. Children should know how to handle the inevitable mistakes of life. We should explain how we might have handled the situation better. There are three good reasons for doing this. First, we are providing information on how comparable situations can be handled better in the future. "I should have waited until your friends had gone home to tell you that. I now see that it was embarrassing to you." Second, we provide a model of how a mistake should be handled responsibly. "I apologize for what I did." Finally, and most important, we should apologize because it is the right thing to do. Three messages about goodness in one!

In time, we will send our children out into the world. When that day comes, the most important thing they can take with them will be a moral compass. Now is the time to provide them with this gift.

Copyright [c] 2002 by the Association for Childhood Education International. Permission to reproduce this column intact is not required. It is hoped that readers will distribute copies to parents, colleagues, and others who work with children.

To contact the column editor: Write to Helen Altman Klein, Professor of Psychology, Wright State University, Dayton, OH 45435; or send E-mail to: [e-mail]