A heartfelt amends is a powerful gift.

Byline: STRAIGHT STUFF By Jerry Gjesvold For The Register-Guard

Kids make lists for Santa Claus. Spouses drop hints. Family members forward Web links. These are just some of the ways people tell us the gifts they hope to receive this holiday season.

But one of the best gifts we can give is almost never on anyone's list. Sometimes the ones receiving it didn't even know they wanted it. It can't be bought - yet it can heal years of suffering.

The gift? An amend, done properly, for harm to another. In my work at Serenity Lane, I've seen countless alcoholics and addicts make such amends - doing so is critical to staying sober. And along the way, these same people, known for the damage they've done, can make a lasting, positive difference in the lives of those they've harmed.

It makes sense. How many times have you ever had someone come to you and sincerely apologize for how they harmed you - then back it up with different behavior that lasts? That's the heart of an unconditional amend.

They're hard to do well, of course. Mistakes are so easy. Probably the most common is asking for forgiveness right away, and getting angry when it doesn't happen. When we make amends this way, we're actually attaching strings to our gift. We're asking for yet another thing from the person, but disguising it as a gift. No wonder it doesn't feel right.

There are other dangers, too. Depending on what we did, it's possible that the person to whom we're making the amend doesn't trust us. If our motives are clean, we'll be able to respond with something like `I understand how you feel. I wouldn't trust me either if I were you. But I'll make every effort to earn your trust again.' Then back it up.

It may be that we don't know what kind of amend to make, or that we feel so guilty that we promise too much. If you have any doubts about what to do, discuss your plan beforehand with a friend, counselor or clergyperson. Someone with solid 12-step recovery can be very helpful. The rule to follow is this: a true amend never causes more harm to others - especially the person it's made to.

The moment we begin making amends, we experience some interesting - sometimes amazing - things. People learn they can trust us more than they have before. Our relationships deepen. Even if some are still angry, we find that we can hear their anger without getting defensive.

And then, beneath it all, we start to feel real self-esteem. In this cynical age, it may seem quaint or even foolish to admit we were wrong and really try to make up for it. So few people seem to do this anymore.

But some of these old ideas still are with us because they provide the best way to act in life. For generations, they've offered ways for imperfect people to move forward without such a heavy burden of guilt and shame. May we all give such a gift to ourselves this holiday season - by making real amends to those we've harmed.

As Serenity Lane's statewide coordinator of employer services, Jerry Gjesvold helps companies across Oregon create and manage their drug-free workplace policies and programs.