A fictitious diary of Imran Khan.

I LIKE democracy. Not like Nawaz and Zardari who don't know the first thing about it. In fact, I'm writing an article about it for the Daily Torygraph, a paper owned by my ex- in laws. Here it is: " When the Romans invaded Britain they found a flourishing democracy with a bicameral parliament in regular session at Stonehenge attended by elected delegates from all over the country within a five mile radius of Stonehenge.

Then the nasty French came and ruined everything in Britain, the home of my ex- in laws, although technically they were still roaming around in Judea at the time.

However, William the Conqueror was eventually forced to sign the Maggie Carta which gave all the barons a vote and enforced such ancient liberties like complimentary passes for has- been playboys to Tarts disco in South Ken.

Then the nasty French went and did a revolution whereby they tried to impose Stalinism on the freedom- loving serfs of Britain, home of my ex- in laws although technically they had just crossed the Red Sea into Egypt at the time.

" Millions lost their lives as blood thirsty Communists ran riot through the streets of Paris beheading anyone who was anyone. Millions of party animals lost their lives at the hands of cruel ordinary people. Then the British came to India and disrupted our ancient jirga system. In the pure water of spring, there came a dead tadpole. Rich Muslim lands were pillaged and puppets were put on thrones like Benazir and the Sultan of Bruno." I was heartbroken to learn that the great Baitullah Mehsud was blown up by an American Drone while getting his legs pressed by his second wife. It's always wives who get people into trouble. I went to see the CJ to cry on his shoulder about Baitullah but when I walked into his drawing room, there was Kayani, Nawaz and him dancing around a bubbling cauldron, chanting, " When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightening or in rain?" I asked, " mind if I join you?" They all grunted which I took to mean a warm welcome. Then I said, " I hope the three of you won't be as mean to me when I'm President". " We're afraid we can't give you any such commitment", they all said, " because we've signed a contract with the ISI promising that we will never allow a civilian government to complete its term". " I hope it's not a transparent contract" I said, considering their ages and stages in life. Just as I was leaving, Kayani stuck his leg out and tried to trip me up. But I being a wily politician dodged him. " Do something useful for a change!" I shouted at him. " I am" he said. Apparently, he's set up a re- education program called Union of Task forces Teaching Educative Rethinking of Countrywide Rational Appraisal Paradigms ( U. T. T. E. R. C. R. A. P.) Im the Dim

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