A fare deal on taxis is one of life's gambles; It's a lottery on London's city centre streets.

I like to think that after all these years, I'm a fairly experienced driver.

But if there's one thing I'm thankful for in driving, it's that I don't have to drive in London.

I have done - and I'm still paying out a fortune for therapy.

Drivers are often heard to remark: "...gets you from A to B." Not if you drive in London. Down there it's "...gets you from A to....well just along the road from A."

If anyone anywhere in government has a road transport policy that still includes allowing cars into the centre of London, they're even more barking than a District Line train headed for Barking.

But I can understand why people still take their cars into London. Sometimes you forget just how rude some members of the human race can be.

Take the car up the West End and it'll all come flooding back. If nothing else, you'll remember words that you haven't seen in print for a while.

The other reason why people drive through the centre of London is that the alternatives aren't much better.

There's the tube, of course, which stops running around midnight.

And there's Satan's own favourite mode of transport: the minicab.

I can't remember where I read it, but apparently most of the minicabs in some cities are run by people who're not exactly on the right side of the law.

I don't know if there's anything illegal about the people who run London's minicabs, but some of the behaviour is criminal.

I don't mean to be too harsh, but does anyone else share my view that if you hire a minicab to get you from one part of a city to another, the least the driver could do is have a rough idea of where you are going?

I'm not talking about London black cabs here. The traditional London black cab is a different matter. Black cabs are the complete opposite. Ask them to take you anywhere and you can almost hear the pages of the A-Z flicking over in their mind, because they've all passed `The Knowledge'.

They know exactly where you're going, sometimes even when you haven't the foggiest.

Then you get carried away when they engage you in conversation about the arts. Honestly, one asked me recently what was my opinion was on a new piece of sculpture! OK, he asked if I'd seen the new post-operative photos of Danii Minogue.

But try to get a black cab at 2.30 on a Sunday morning near Leicester Square??

You've two options. You can brave the night bus network where you'll either be set upon or vomited upon. Or get a minicab.

I jumped into one in London the other week, told the driver where I wanted to go and he asked me what was the quickest way of getting there! He asked ME!

So I said to him: "Well until about ten seconds ago, I thought getting a cab would do the trick."

The other favourite amongst mini-cab drivers is to ask you which of two routes you'd like him to take. "We can take the motorway, or go the more traditional route, which I prefer."

Interpreted for the gullible as: "Well there's the new efficient transport system which will get you to your destination promptly with a lesser fare for myself.

"Or there's what we like to call `The Lottery Route' ... i.e. Down Rollover Avenue, right into Dale Winton Drive, straight ahead on to Scratchcard Boulevard and quickly up the garden path before coming to rest at Highway Robbery.