A fairy story for a cold February night.

Once upon a time, in a faraway land called Monopolopolis, there were three nobles. The first, Prince Cable, roamed his land on his proud steed, dropping huge bills on his peasant populace. When they complained, he laughed and said, "Fine! Go get your premium television from someone else then!" Prince Cable's constituents were miserable, for they had nowhere else to go, particularly those who were addicted to reruns of "Law & Order" and who started to shake when they went too many nights without Jack McCoy and Lenny Briscoe. "Get your flirtini fix from somewhere else!" jeered Prince Cable to "Sex and the City" fans.

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The second prince, Prince Copper Wire (known as Landline to his close friends), sent an endless array of carrier pigeons to his serfs, each month presenting them with larger and larger bills, while lessening their quality of service. Prince Copper Wire was carefree and happy; the people needed his services and could get them from him only, and besides ... Prince Copper Wire had great hair.

The third noble, Princess Wireless, kept her peasants locked in small cages. When they tried to get out, she laughed and said, "No, you signed a very long contract with me, and you're mine forever!" When they did manage to escape their cages, they couldn't go anywhere else, for fear of losing their phone numbers or having poor wireless coverage. And when their phones broke or needed repair, old customers found that the shiny apple Princess Wireless offered to new customers turned quite poisonous in the hands of existing customers.

As the years passed, the Earl of Satellite Television moved to town, along with the Baron Voice Over IP and the Duke of Wireless Number Portability. Not far away, the Countess of Prepaid Phone Cards built a castle. (Her twin brother, who lived in a manor house next door, was Sir Pay-As-You-Go Cellular.) But still, the Princes Cable and Copper Wire and Princess Wireless pretended that nothing had changed in Monopolopolis. They continued to mistreat their peasants, raising prices higher and higher, and caring little for giving anything of quality back to their constituents.

But their peasants began to abandon them and join forces with different nobles. Their income began to trail off. "It's not our fault," they complained bitterly. "The FCC has it in for us. The stock market is flat. Unemployment is too high. The moon is misaligned. Our tuxes didn't come back from the cleaners."

Even as their serfs began to abandon them in droves, the nobles cut services to their constituents even further, hoping to recoup their losses. Though the miller and his family wished to go live with the Baron Voice Over IP, Prince Landline kept them waiting outside his castle portcullis for half an hour ultimately making the miller more determined to pack up his family and depart. When the town weaver dropped her cell phone into a dye vat and ruined it, Princess Wireless demanded 350 gold pieces for a new phone, though the weaver had paid only 49.99 gold pieces for it when she'd first signed up. The weaver took her phone number to the service of a nicer noble.

The population of Monopolopolis is declining to this day; the cottages are emptying, the streets are becoming quieter, and the peasants smile as they leave town. But the Princes Cable and Copper Wire, and the Princess Wireless, plus their new comrade-in-complaints, Prince FM Radio, still sit in their quiet halls, convinced their people need them.

The End

By Tracey E. Schelmetic, Editorial Director, Customer Inter@ction Solutions[R]