A coalition of losers.

CONSERVATIVES are patriotic, God-loving, and cheery. Liberals are meddlesome, secular killjoys.

Hey, don't take my word for it--I've got data to back me. The Pew Research Center for the People and the Press has released a big new report saying essentially just that. And, for a conservative, what can be more satisfying than learning that rigorous social science from a quintessential gitchy-goo outfit dedicated to Good Government & Other Nice Things confirms commonsense political stereotypes?

Obviously, you have to tease the data a bit, since Pew isn't much interested in declaring that the base of the Democratic party comprises precisely the sort of people who are most likely to ruin an interesting dinner conversation. But the numbers don't lie.

According to the study, "Beyond Red vs. Blue," the more pessimistic or cranky you are about America; the more you think the system's stacked against you; the more you think working hard is for suckers; the more you think only boobs fly the American flag; the more you believe religion's a waste of time--the more likely it is you're a Democrat.

Now, in this day and age when you're not supposed to speak in broad generalizations about any "class" of people, I must acknowledge that we are speaking in broad categories here. Obviously there are plenty of cheery, hardworking, flag-waving, devout Democrats out there. But they are the exceptions to the statistical rule.

Most interesting about the study is what it reveals about economic class in America. The stereotype perpetrated by generations of leftists is that the richer you are, the more conservative you are. Communists and most socialists say this is because we all vote our class interests. Liberals say this is due to the fact that conservatives are selfish, which is essentially the same point. But it's just not true. The largest segment of the Democratic base--Pew calls them "Liberals"--is about as well-off as the richest segment of the Republican base, the "Enterprisers." Forty-one percent of both groups make more than $75,000 per year (though there are many more "Liberals" than there are "Enterprisers"). The largest segment of the Republican base is the "Social Conservatives." They do all right financially, but not as well as "Liberals."

Meanwhile, moving down the income scale, what tends to separate Republicans from Democrats is their attitudes about America. If you think America is a place where hard work pays off, you're likely to vote for the GOP. Seventy-six percent of poor Republicans "believe that most people can get ahead if they are willing to work hard--and two-thirds ... strongly express that view." Meanwhile, by a margin of 79 to 14 percent, poor Democrats "believe that hard work and determination provide no guarantee of success." Perhaps most amazing, this transcends the male-female distinction: Both demographics are in fact predominantly female.

Conservatives who whine that there aren't significant differences between the parties (you know who you are) should keep all of this mind. One doesn't want to be too harsh here, but in a completely non-judgmental, non-moralistic sense, one party is for losers, the other for winners. The rich people in the former party want the government to give the losers a hug and a trophy just for playing. The rich people in the latter party want to leave well enough alone. And therein lies all the difference.