A business-checking pitch.

Here is an evaluation of a letter from Wachovia selling the bank's business checking account to business prospects.

(1) Physical letter setup, The overall "look" of this letter makes it inviting to the prospect to read: It is one page and attractive to the quick glance. But by having the design element on the top and the attached/designed coupon below, it says "sales piece." Better to have detached the coupon from the letter.

(2) Johnson's box. The space on the upper-right of the letter head is valuable real estate. It can either state the prime consumer benefit or intrigue the prospect to start reading the letter--or both. Instead of just white space, a subhead like "How to take control of your business' finances...." would grab the reader.

(3) Salutation. They either didn't have faith in the quality of their list or liked using the impersonal "Dear Business Owner." It would have been better to say, "Dear Mr. Wachtel" or even "Dear George Wachtel."

(4) Bullets. It is a good idea to use crisp and bold-face bullet points like this (especially in a business-to-business mailing); but also having a bold subhead right above and below them steals their thunder. When you emphasize every element in a tight space, the reader doesn't know where to go.

(5) Parallel construction. The bullet points should look and read like a coordinated grouping. For example, the first item could be switched to read: "FREE Transactions--Up to ..."

(6) BillPay. Is this option free? If so, it should be stated.

(7) Indented paragraphs and the signature block moved to the right are more inviting to the reader's eye.

(8) Call to action. It's good the prospect is given as many different means to reply as possible. Some people are more comfortable calling, others want the convenience of going online, and still others would like to stop in to visit in person. They cover all the bases here. But, it would be more effective as the final paragraph of the letter.

(9) P.S. Also valuable real estate ... research shows the P.S. is where the reader's eye will go after reading the Johnson's box and their name. They then go back up and read the Letter copy. So the P.S. should reinforce the prime benefit, add a new feature and/or provide a sense of urgency; just as they do here.

(10) Response coupon. Again, better for this to be detached and a more powerful headline would be "Save $50!" Then explain they need to order checks for that to happen.

[ILLUSTRATIONS OMITTED]

George Wachtel is chairman of WordCom Inc., Ellington, Conn., a target marketing company specializing in the financial industry. Have a proposed direct-mail letter that you would like the Letter Doctor to evaluate in the magazine? Send to George Wachtel, c/o ABA Bank Marketing magazine, 1120 Connecticut Ave., N.W., Washington, D.C. 20036. E-mail: [e-mail]