A brief history of management consultants.

News item: Franklin Covey, the "life management" firm founded through Stephen R. Covey's bestseller, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, announced that its 1997 revenues totaled $433 million. The company has sold 12 million books, including The Ten Natural Laws Time and Life management. Franklin Covey products include the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" audio tapes, a "One Day Getting to Synergy Workshop," and a "Three Day Time Quest Management Workshop." The company notes that "one in 3.5 people in the state of Michigan carry a Franklin Day Planner," a device for keeping lists.

Each year, Franklin Covey holds seminars for 750,000 people from corporations, government agencies, and schools, and says it has "certified more than 14,000 in-house corporate facilitators." Its client list boasts the Department of Energy, which has spent at least $500,000 on Covey workshops; some 2,900 school districts; the federal departments of Defense, Interior, and Transportation; the U.S. Postal Service; corporations such as AT&T, Intel, and General Electric; and President Bill Clinton, who spent a day being privately tutored by Steven Covey during Thanksgiving week of 1994. Covey, once the subject of a PBS documentary, asserts that he has discovered "the universal value system of all mankind" His company is traded on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol FC.

SCENE: Camp David, Thanksgiving week of 1994. A light snow falls on the Maryland mountains. President William Jefferson Clinton sits in his study, where an intern is assisting him. Linda Tripp, a trusted aide, shows in Steven R. Covey.

Clinton: Thank you for coming. I would have liked to go out to the life-management resort facility your company runs in Sundance, Utah. I hear that government agencies and major corporations spend tens of millions of dollars per year to send people to your resort, where the food and the snow bunnies are fourstar. I mean, to read "wisdom literature," like your brochure says.

Covey: Mr. President, are you proactive? Do you synergize?

Clinton: You see, the Republicans have just taken over the House, and I need advice on --

Covey: Mr. President, do you make lists? Do you focus on your goals?

Clinton: Well, doesn't everybody --

Covey: Lists! Make proactive lists! Make lists before you plan to do something, not afterward! Then keep the lists in your pocket in a Franklin Day Planner, as my publicists say with a perfectly straight face that one person in 3.5 in Michigan does! Then, exactly seven times a day, take out your list and look at it! Do you mind if I stand on your desk?

Clinton: Go ahead. Actually I like to do things on my desk, too.

Covey: (Climbs on desk, stands) That's better! Now I am much taller than you! It makes me feel synergistic!

Clinton: About this making lists, my point is, doesn't everyone --

Covey: Mr. President, are you aware that my book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People was on The New, York Times bestseller list for 270 weeks, yet all this book really says is that people should make lists and pursue goals?

Clinton: That's mighty fine advice, but --

Covey: Are you aware that major corporations pay my company millions of dollars to have recent college graduates conduct seminars in which they play Native American chant CDs and tell people to make lists and have goals? Are you aware that the U. S. armed services have hired my company for this purpose?

Clinton: Should I be scared now?

Covey: No! Be synergistic! Don't you see what this means?

Clinton: That millions of dollars a year are going down the drain?

Covey: No! That I have discovered one of the universal laws of mankind -- that people will listen to any kind of drivel at all if it gives them an excuse to go to a vacation resort at someone else's expense!

Clinton: Say, that's good. I'll mention that to my trusted aide Dick Morris.

Covey: And I have found that I can empower myself to synergize a spiritual paradigm shift! Whoops, that's a copyrighted phrase. Since 1 mentioned it, you will have to send me an extra $20,000.

Clinton: Now about those Department of Energy, contracts. My people over there have been having a few problems with little things like managing nuclear waste. There was that regrettable incident when the plutonium canisters were sent by FedEx to the Ben & Jerry's factory and mixed in with the Rainforest Crunch. I assume your seminars will help them deal with problems like that.

Covey: Absolutely not! Mr. President, actually dealing with problems is old-fashioned, linear thinking. Feeling your way to spiritual dissipation of problems is the goal of life management.

Clinton: Well ... very little of what you've said makes any sense whatsoever, but since you've been promoted on PBS, you must be respectable!

Covey: And now it's time to get in touch with our synergy. We should hug!

Clinton: Really, if it's all the same to you --

Covey: Then hug your intern over there!

Monica: (JUMPS Up eagerly.) Sure!

Clinton: (They embrace passionately.) Baby, I want you to get a Franklin Day Planner. Write on your list, "Deny, deny, deny." Look at it exactly seven times daily.

Covey: Mr. President, hugs build synergy. You should have energy-flow contact with this woman once a day!

Clinton: You mean, cut back?

Covey: We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. [Actual Steven Covey quote.]

Monica: So if I'm subpoenaed I should just say it was a spiritual experience?

Covey: A brilliant young lady! Mr. President, I advise empowering your bonds by giving her heartfelt gifts. Everyone will realize your link was spiritual.

News Item: Innovation Network, a management training firm, has begun offering week-long "convergences" at a Santa Barbara resort hotel. The cost is $1,595 per person for the sessions alone: Travel, room, and meals are additional. Attendees are coached by "facilitators" and offered such courses as "Learning to Listen Through Drumming" and "Metaphorical Speaking." Special events include outdoor barbecues, riding and windsurfing, and Sparkle Day. According to Forbes magazine, some 72 percent of large U.S. corporations send managers to retreats such as this. Innovation Network clients include the Bureau of Land Management, the U.S. Coast Guard, and the Patent and Trademark Office.

Scene: A resort hotel in California, May 1944. Windsurfers frolic along a beach; buses shuttle in and out for winery tours; corporate managers relax by an Olympic-sized pool, leering at young women in swimsuits. Generals Omar Bradley, Dwight Eisenhower, and Matthew Ridgway enter, escorted by trainers of the Innovation Network.

Ridgway: This is horseshit. We have an invasion to plan.

Male Facilitator: You are resisting. I sense negative energy. It's very dark side.

Ridgway: Dark side! Young man you have no idea what the real dark side --

Eisenhower: Matt, the president feels it is necessary that we be exposed to the principles of metaphorical management before we launch D-Day.

Female Facilitator: What interesting khaki caps, are they from The Gap? You'll fit right in, today is Hat Day. [Actual Innovation Network event. On Hat Day, group members "wear each other's hats," building trust or at least exchanging head lice.]

Bradley: Let's get this over with.

Male Facilitator: Life training is not something one "gets over with." It is not a goal or a destination. It is a process! It cannot be measured in restrictive, eurocentric linear terms like "accomplishment" or "product."

Eisenhower: Tell us what you can fast, we've got to get back to London.

Female Facilitator: We can't "tell" you anything. We can only draw out the wisdom you already possess.

Male Facilitator: That's why we're going to send you on a simulation.

Ridgway: Now we're getting somewhere -- war games.

Female Facilitator: Oh no, nothing so dark side. The five of us are going to hike up into the Santa Ynez Mountains, carrying only organic provisions of course. There we will be confronted with a simulated crisis. Your responses will teach teamwork, empathy, and co-awareness. Then we'll all come back for Sparkle Day and tequila tasting by the pool!

Bradley: Let's move out.

(Later, in the Santa Ynez Mountains.)

Male Facilitator: Isn't that a glorious sunset? Just what Native American peoples in their high spiritual awareness used to experience before corporate voracity disturbed Mother Earth to build things like, well, like the resort hotels my company uses. OK, forget that point. Now the simulated crisis.

Female Facilitator: Help! Help! My workplace environment is sexually hostile!

Ridgway: Show me the son of a bitch who did this to you, and I'll punch his teeth out!

Male Facilitator: No, no. You must resolve this crisis through metaphorical management and mutual co-dependence. No references of any kind to race, gender, age, or disabilities may be made by anyone. No value judgments or eurocentric linear comments will be permitted. Nobody gets the tequila unless they follow the rules. Now, form a circle and hold hands...

(Several months later.)

Eisenhower: I see by the Internet that our forces were repulsed at Normandy. People are saying the invasion was poorly planned and seemed leaderless.

Bradley: That's so judgmental.

Ridgway: Our throughput transactional quotient is up again this week. It makes me feel fulfilled.

News item: Anthony Robbins, a "peak performance coach," recently had a private session with Bill and Hillary Clinton to advise them on "the power of positive thinking." When not meeting with the Clintons, Anthony Robbins Associates hosts "team consciousness" retreats for corporate managers, and has staged retreats for California state agencies and other government offices. The firm, which puts its revenues at $50 million annually, is so successful that Robbins now owns an entire Fijian island, plus a California estate with a helipad. Robbins, the seven-foot-tall author of the bestseller Awake the Giant Within, is famous for asking clients to walk barefoot across hot coals. Sessions may also include meditation and Native American chants. Robbins asserts that mystical secrets locked in the right-side of the brain can be unleashed using his techniques, and that an outpouring of creativity and wealth will follow. Employees of his corporation are required to complete all telephone conversations with the phrase, "Have a great day!"

Scene: The Vatican, 1633. Executive suites of The Inquisition Inc., a Delaware-chartered corporation. An unusually tall man stands near a desk that adjoins a pillory. Galileo Galilei is dragged in by Swiss guards.

Galileo: But I tell you it's true! The earth revolves around the sun! Copernicus has proven it!

Special Inquisitor Starr: Your right brain betrays you, Brother Galileo. To unlock your true potential, we have called in a consultant.

Anthony Robbins: Look upon me! Breathe in, then breathe out. Drink plenty of expensive mineral water to flush your body of toxins. Maximize time use and billing opportunities by traveling by helicopter.

Galileo: Soothe, thou art a tall man!

Anthony Robbins: Much taller than Steven R. Covey! He may be the first "author" to be listed on the New York Stock Exchange, but even when he's standing on a chair or desk I am taller.

Galileo: What is it you want from me?

Anthony Robbins: Certainly nothing crass or material or commercial. I want you to realize your true potential by walking across these hot embers.

Galileo: Torture! Are you saying that the Inquisition has resorted to torture! Western civilization stands at the gates of its demise.

Anthony Robbins: Oh, no, management consultants are a far greater threat to Western civilization than any medieval force. But relax, I'm not in business to hurt my client's feet, I am in business to pull the wool over their eyes. With my metaphysical guidance, you will walk the coals unharmed.

Galileo: Why would I want to?

Anthony Robbins: Princess Diana, with whom I was very, very close, and who personally credited me with her self-realization [actual claim by Robbins], once asked me the same thing. "Anthony," she said with her piercing wit, "why would I want to walk across blazing coals barefoot?" And I replied, "Highness, the real question is, why would you want to pay several thousand dollars to walk across blazing coals barefoot." Yet hundreds of corporate managers and government officials do this every year! They do it because it unleashes potential!

Galileo: Their inner potential?

Anthony Robbins: No, you fatuous stargazer, my financial potential! The more people who pay me for this nonsense, the more often I get to fly my Gulfstream to Fiji to lie on the beach with native girls!

Galileo: You really are a genius. I shall cross the coals then, and without fear. (Galileo removes his sandals and walks confidently across the blazing embers. The Swiss guards blanch and turn away; Anthony Robbins pays Navajo flute music on a portable CD. Galileo lets fly a few "Holy Madonnas!" but completes the walk.) I did it! I have unlocked my personal potential! Now nothing frightens me. Cardinal, I refuse to sign! I will die before I renounce the truth.

Special Inquisitor Starr: This is not the result I wish to leak to the media.

Anthony Robbins: Wait, he'll come around. (Fixes an evil gaze on Galileo.) I am now going to read to you from a chapter of Unlimited Power, one of my "books," about how I realized my own charm and charisma ...

Galileo: I recant!

News Item: News and wire reports indicate that corporate and personal training companies are a growth industry, signing numerous contracts with both businesses and government agencies. Career Track, a Colorado company that teaches "critical thinking skills," has staged conferences for the Michigan Department of Civil Service. Global Visions, a California firm specializing in "Real Time Strategic Change," has hosted conferences for major corporations such as Ford and Marriott, and was recently paid about $500,000 by the U.S. Forest Service to stage an employee retreat. Strategic Success Systems, a Baltimore firm, holds self-esteem conferences for schools, firms, and government agencies, and offers clients a chance to meet with its president, Darlene Butler, who holds the title, The First Lady of Positive Talk[TM]. Vision 360, a Florida firm, recently charged the County Commission of West Palm Beach $10,500 for the clerk of the Circuit Court and her aides to attend a three-day retreat at a Vero Beach golf resort. Pat Riley, coach of the Miami Heat, charges $25,000 for a one-hour "success motivation lecture" The Ned Hermann Group, which frequently holds seminars for state and local governments, is now marketing its Hermann Brain Dominance Instrument, which "identifies thinking styles and preferred work elements" Edward de Bono, a management consultant whose success has enabled him to buy a small island in Venice, has advised many corporations, and the government of Singapore, on his theory of "lateral thinking," which is said to unleash creativity and an outpouring of wealth.

Scene: A factory in Detroit, 1908. Henry Ford sits with several engineers, poring over design drawings. A foreman, a lawyer, and a shop steward are nearby. In the distance the red glow of molten metal can be seen.

Secretary: Mr. Ford? It's the consultants.

Henry Ford: Are you sure we have to do this?

Lawyer: To get regulatory approval, yes. The new federal lateral-thinking impact statement law requires it. And to sell the Model T in California, we'll need certification from the State Board of Self Esteem.

Henry Ford: All right then, as long as none of them works for the Patent Office.

The Fist Lady of Positive Talk[TM]: You Can do it! I know you can realize your goal of selling franchised prepackaged ginsana wraps!

Henry Ford: What are you taking about? I'm planning to sell cars.

Facilitator From Career Track: That would deplete resources! If you focus and globalize your thinking, you will see that service industries are the wave of the future.

Henry Ford: People need transportation. You can't have service industries until you can move goods.

Pat Riley: Look sharp! Keep moving! Stay focused! Wear expensive shirts! Don't foul in the backcourt! When the going gets tough, the tough hire agents.

Consultant From Vision 360: This is a place of business. I can't prioritize in this atmosphere. What do you say we all adjourn to Hilton Head?

Henry Ford: But I've got to make the final design decisions for the Model T.

Counselor From Global Visions: You shouldn't try to do anything. You should just do. Empty your minds, and the answers will come.

Ned Hermann: It is impossible to analyze throughput, unleash creativity, or acquire unlimited wealth without the Hermann Brain Dominance Instrument. Here, slip it on.

Henry Ford: It's a baseball cap.

Ned Hermann: YOU are so linear. Where is your vision? To the untrained eye this may appear to be a baseball cap. To me, it's a $7,500-a-day consulting fee.

Henry Ford: Get these people out of here! We have real work to do.

Edward de Bono. "Real" work?

Henry Ford: Yes. Making products. Creating jobs. Solving problems. Real work! Just like businesses and government agencies all over the country have real work they should be doing, rather than engaging in touchy-feely management-consultant mumbo-jumbo!

Edward de Bono: Think laterally, as I describe in my historic "book," From Socratic to de Bono Thinking [actual title]. What you call "real work" leads to frustration, exhaustion, labor-management disputes, accidents, political controversies, lawsuits, anger, and hard feelings. The sort of work management consultants do leads to high incomes, pleasant accommodations, fine wines, sexual diversion, ego gratification, beautiful locales, easy-going conversation with the rich and famous -- and no nagging, actual product. Your business is to engage in backbreaking labor to build a disputed product and, if very lucky, return 10 percent on equity. Our business is to do hardly anything and keep everything. So just who understands "real" work?

Henry Ford: It's decided. Cancel the Model T. I am going into the metaphorical management facilitation business.