A STRIKING PHENOMENON ON FREEWAYS.

Byline: JAMES BEMIS Commentary

You can spot them, literally, a mile away.

For regular L.A. freeway drivers like me, they're impossible to miss: driving 45 mph in the slow lane, sweat pouring profusely from an intensely furrowed brow, hands tightly gripping the steering wheel as if their fingers were welded on.

Thanks to the MTA strike, thousands of commuting refugees are returning to the freeway wars after years of using public transportation - and looking much worse for the wear.

Yes, we experienced freeway commuters can tell the novice or out-of- practice driver instantly. They're like a fish out of water, a pacifist at the Pentagon, Rosie O'Donnell at an NRA convention.

The MTA strike has wreaked havoc throughout the Los Angeles Basin, snarling surface streets and adding hours to travel times. Worse yet, thousands of unprepared and inexperienced drivers are swamping our freeways in a pursuit of their daily bread.

Obviously, we're talking about folks that haven't driven to work since the last millennium. So, as a public service to those bewitched, bothered, and bewildered by the roadways, here's a guide to modern freeway commuting in hopes of making their trips more fruitful:

--Lighten up. Freeway driving isn't fun - like watching college football or stuffing yourself at a barbecue - but it doesn't have to be torture, either.

Your attitude makes all the difference whether you arrive at work with the sweetness of Snow White or the vinegar of the Wicked Queen. So lose the ``woe is me'' grimace and remember to put on a happy face - even if you'd rather kill than face gridlock again.

--Don't sweat the small stuff. Perhaps the best advice about highway driving I ever received was my dad's admonition not to sweat other driver's mistakes. If someone makes a boneheaded move, you have two choices: shrug it off or fall victim to ROAD RAGE. Guess which one allows you to live longer (and happier)?

--Listen while you work. Audio books are undoubtedly the greatest invention ever made for commuters. Your daily three-hour ride need not be culturally barren. You can listen to Shakespeare's plays and sonnets, Chaucer's ``Canterbury Tales,'' Homer's ``The Iliad'' and ``The Odyssey'' - all of which were intended to be listened to rather than read anyway - or thousands of other delightful books.

--Cell phones. While audio books are the best invention for commuters, cell phones must be the worst. If only I had a dollar for every time a preoccupied cell phone user nearly rear-ended me when traffic slowed, I wouldn't have to make this silly commute.

My advice: Turn off the cell phone and leave it off. There's nothing you'll hear that's more important than for you - and me - to arrive safely at our destinations.

--Turn up the radio. New commuters will find there's now more than just foul-mouthed radio shock jocks and power rock for the morning drive. For instance, PBS' Life and Times host Hugh Hewitt has a great new morning show on KIEV-AM (870) that combines interesting guests with intelligent (and civil) talk. Classical station KMZT-FM (105.1) recently began an early morning ``Commuter Classics'' program featuring beautiful music by the great composers for those who gag at the sound of rap.

--Silence is golden. There's no law - yet - requiring us to fill our cars with noise while we drive. Sometimes we're most relaxed when listening to the sounds of silence. Many use this peaceful period to think, plan, daydream, pray or just veg. So don't be afraid to use part of your ride for silent meditation.

Just one thing: Whatever you do, don't fall asleep while doing it. It gets very expensive and annoys drivers around you.

Anyway, welcome to the brave new world of commuting in the third millennium. May the days of your return to the freeways be brisk, brilliant, and given that there's already too many of us driving - brief.