A SPRINGFIELD OUTING FROM A TO Z.

Byline: GLENN WHIPP 

>FILM WRITER

Eighteen years, 400 episodes and, now, one feature-length film surely is worth a measly 26 letters. So to embiggen each and every one of you, we present our A-Z guide to "The Simpsons Movie," which, it should be noted, contains a fair number of spoilers. So if you read on and learn a little too much, don't have a cow, man.

We warned you. Okily-dokily?

A Ah-nold.

Schwarzenegger has long been part of "The Simpsons" through the character of Rainer Wolfcastle, an overpaid, Humvee-driving action star.

The movie forgoes McBain for the real deal, who is now, somehow, president of the United States. His White House mantra: "I was elected to lead, not read."

"We had a lengthy explanation about how he was able to circumvent the Constitution and become president, but nobody who saw it cared," says "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening.

For the curious: In the deleted scene, Schwarzenegger convinced voters he hailed from Topeka, Kan.

B Brooks, Albert.

A "Simpsons" guest star legend, having voiced the cheerfully helpful villain Hank Scorpio and French bowling instructor Jacques.

In the film, Brooks plays the EPA chief who wants to nuke Springfield when the town's lake becomes ridiculously contaminated.

"We almost brought Scorpio back when we were considering story ideas for the movie," Groening says.

C Close to You.

Homer and Marge dance to the Carpenters song in a flashback to their wedding reception.

For those who remember the couple being married in a quickie wedding chapel service, writer-producer Al Jean notes, "We've never been bound to minutiae of our past. That aggravates our more anal fans, but if it's a choice between logic and entertainment, entertainment wins every time."

D D'oh!

Before the first test screening (March in Portland, Ore.), the filmmakers showed the movie to family and friends on the Fox lot, where they discovered what executive producer James L. Brooks calls "those terrible end credits" did not play -- at all.

"We had the space aliens Kang and Kodos giving a savage review of the movie, pointing out plot holes and saying, 'We flew 8 billion miles for this?' " Groening says. "They were challenging you to like the movie you just saw. And it just sucked all the good will out the door."

The Kang and Kodos sequence, along with other excised meta jokes -- Mr. Burns, at one point, says, "You can no longer get your money back" -- will probably show up on the DVD, as will an end credits trailer for a Schwarzenegger family movie, "Diaper Genie 2."

But don't look for the end credits where Homer reads the names of the Korean animators.

"That joke wore thin fast," Brooks says.

E Emotion.

Brooks, director of such hits as "Terms of Endearment" and "As Good as It Gets," blanches at being labeled the go-to guy for sweetness.

"But if you've got a group of writers all trying to be hip and funny and wild, it's very difficult to be the guy to stand up and say the heartfelt line," Groening says. "But Jim preaches emotion. He comes up with funny lines that pack an emotional punch."

F Free.

Homer notes the elephant in the room within the movie's first five minutes, turning to the screen and bellowing: "I'm not paying to see something I can get on TV for free."

"Well," Brooks says, "you can't poke fun at everybody and not yourself."

G Green Day.

The rock band plays "The Simpsons" theme song, though singer Billie Joe Armstrong needs a teleprompter to help him through the rather complicated lyrics -- "Da da da da da da da da da da da da."

H Hanks, Tom.

The movie's major star cameo comes when Hanks appears on behalf of the EPA's plan to detonate Springfield and create a spiffy new Grand Canyon.

"The U.S. government has lost some of its credibility so it's borrowing some of mine," Hanks pleasantly explains.

"We were trying to figure out somebody America would trust," says screenwriter Al Jean, "somebody like Walter Cronkite. Hanks was the top choice. We sent him the script, he laughed and showed up. I mean, we paid him.

But still ...."

I Itchy and Scratchy.

The cartoon cat and mouse go to the moon, a planet that has not been kind to Scratchy in the past.

J Jumping the Shark.

"You always hear that the show isn't as good as it used to be," Groening says. "But people always compare the new shows to the memories of their favorite episodes, back when the show surprised them. You've got to have an open mind, and, for some people, it's impossible. Nostalgia clouds their thinking."

K Krabappel, Edna.

Putting "The Simpsons" into a widescreen format meant everything was bigger. You'll notice this during the Green Day concert when schoolteacher Krabappel whips off her jacket to reveal a surprisingly ample figure.

"You establish Krabappel's rack and go from there," Jean says. "The rest of the movie's scale is based on her."

L Life, a well-spent.

When Comic Book Man believes the world is about to end, he says, "I have spent my entire life collecting comic books, and I can only say ... life well spent."

Says Groening: "We had an episode where his last realization was 'I have wasted my life,' so this time we thought he deserved a happy ending."

M Maggie's first word.

In another historical revision, Maggie removes her pacifier and brightly says, "Sequel."

Yes, Elizabeth Taylor voiced Maggie's first word ("Daddy") in a 1992 episode, but as director David Silverman notes, "No one witnessed it. This is the first time she has spoken in front of her family."

N Nuclear waste.

It's just one of the contaminants dumped in Lake Springfield, precipitating the movie's environmental disaster, not to mention a vicious, multi-eyed squirrel. The sewage from Burns' plant is topped in toxicity only by Krusty the Clown's tanker truck of flop sweat.

O Over and over.

"Believe me, we're the first to know when we've repeated ourselves," Jean says. "We've feel like we've done everything three times. Most of our fans are kind enough not to complain."

P Pig.

Homer saves a pig from the butcher early in the film, the latest in a long line of animals -- Bitey, the possum in the "Monorail" episode, Pinchy the Lobster, Mojo the Helper Monkey -- that Homer has adopted.

Q Quimby, Mayor Diamond Joe.

He's in the movie. So's Bumblebee Man.

And Sea Captain. And Mr. Teeny. And the Cat Lady. In all, there are 98 speaking parts, including just about every resident of Springfield -- save for short-tempered school Superintendent Chalmers.

"And we had a great scene with him and Principal Skinner," says Groening, "where their car was overturned by a mob and Chalmers was angry with Skinner. But we couldn't fit it in."

R Rumsfeld, Donald.

Initially, Brooks' EPA chief was a slow-talking bumbler. After the Portland screening, they changed him into a glib, confident politico doing crazy things.

"Rumsfeld was the model," Jean says. "When Albert came back in to read, he even had these little glasses like Rumsfeld."

S Sideshow Bob.

The filmmakers tried to work in Bart's longtime nemesis, but couldn't find a spot for him. But Sideshow Bob will return to the series for the 10th time in a November episode that will reunite "Frasier" castmates Kelsey Grammer (Bob), David Hyde Pierce (Bob's brother, Cecil) and, making his "Simpsons" debut, John Mahoney.

T Truth, internal.

Says Brooks: "Marge, for the first time, gets what her internal truth is. She tips that she's aware of how Homer is seen by other people and how she's dealt with it."

Says Groening: "That revelation is one of the touching things we've done in the history of the show."

U Unchecked id.

Meanwhile, Homer realizes for about the millionth time that acting impulsively has consequences.

"I try not to think about things," he tells Marge. "I respect people who do, but I just try to make the day not hurt until I crawl into bed next to you."

Yes, Brooks wrote that line.

V Vader, Darth.

Groening says he hears the most honest fan reactions while standing in bathroom lines -- often surrounded by grown men dressed as Lord Vader -- at the annual Comic-Con convention in San Diego.

W Wassail.

The hot, spiced punch undoubtedly conjures up bad memories for Schwarzenegger, who, upon seeing the movie's mutant multi-eyed squirrel, shudders, "All those angry eyes and sharp teeth.

It reminds me of Christmas at the Kennedy compound."

X X-rated.

Not even close. The MPAA gave the movie a PG-13 rating for "irreverent humor throughout," a designation that Brooks calls a "terrific review."

The film's most notable not-suitable-for-television bits have Marge screaming a certain obscenity (no, it doesn't start with F) out of frustration, Homer flipping the bird and Bart flashing his privates while on a nude skateboarding run.

"I defy the biggest prude on earth not to laugh at that Bart sequence," Groening says. "In context, it's a joke about innocence."

Y Yabba-dabba-don't.

Silverman says he has often been asked about a live-action "Simpsons" movie.

"I mention the 'Flintstones' movie and that ends that line of questioning pretty fast," Silverman says.

Z Zimmer, Hans.

Longtime "Simpsons" composer Alf Clausen was busy with the show, so the ubiquitous Zimmer, who has worked with Brooks on several films, got the job.

The movie's choral version of Homer's "Spider-Pig" song?

"Hans did that on a whim," Brooks says. "He did great by us."

Glenn Whipp, [phone].

[e-mail]

CAPTION(S):

7 photos

Photo:

(1 -- cover -- color) aahhh!

'THE SIMPSONS' EXPLODES ONTO THE BIG SCREEN

(2) Springfield's favorite dysfunctional family is headed your way today in the feature film "The Simpsons," which earned a PG-13 rating for "irreverent humor throughout."

(3) no caption (Arnold Schwarzenegger)

(4) no caption (Tom Hanks)

(5) no caption (Maggie Simpson)

(6) Matt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons"

(7) no caption (pig)