A Love Nest for Bill and Hill.

Dear President Clinton & Mrs. Future Senator of the great state of New York Clinton:

OK, Bill and Hill. But just this once, you rascals. Allow me to reiterate what an honor it is for you to have chosen me to be your exclusive realtor in Westchester County. My family says it's such a tribute I should renounce my commission. But don't count on it.

A bipartisan squadron of research consultants couldn't have selected a better community for you to relocate in. These are quality people up here, and I'm sure after the briefest of acclimation periods, you folks will fit in right as rain.

As you are undoubtably aware, this is probably not the best time to be house-hunting due to the extended upturn of the economy. Especially considering the caliber of people found in this, America's third wealthiest suburban area. It's a seller's market, folks. Through no little fault of your own, I might add. Too bad you weren't looking during the tail end of the Bush Administration. These places were going for the proverbial song.

I see your references are impeccable (the Pope went over big), but I'm afraid the banks are being rather intractable on the 20 percent down. I'm sure you understand, since neither of you has what could be called a real job lined up. Although I remain confident the term "Senator Clinton" will be a phrase New Yorkers will find themselves repeating over and over again with vest-busting pride. And, Bill, you do have your pension. So don't lose faith, dear hearts. We'll find that special "love nest" you two spoke so passionately of. The one with the separate identical wings.

Yours truly, Tama Cuhorszy Century 21 Senior Vice President New Accounts, Westchester County

* Berkeley: Fans of Pacifica radio station KPFA protested the removal of a host who spoke on the air of recent management disputes. The philosophy of America's foremost free speech station: Do as we say; don't say what we do.

Would you like an $800 billion tax cut? Of course you would. It's like asking a kid if he wants hot fudge on ice cream. Well, you're not going to get it because Bill Clinton says it "doesn't leave room for what's necessary." Whatever the hell that means. And this makes Republicans very happy. Because they plan on jumping on that during the next election like critics on a new Kubrick film. "The American people want tax cuts," the Republicans tell us. Well, the American people also want to lose weight by eating sour cream and onion potato chips, but hey!

* New Orleans: The best city in America to get away from reality. Like going abroad without having to go through customs. A Third World country without OSHA standards.

The Patients' Bill of Rights. Sounds like a winner, doesn't it? You might ask yourself who could possibly be against the Patients' Bill of Rights? Angry, masochistic ogres with chronic abscessed gums? Subanthropoidal mutants? The National Guild of Morticians Attendants? Insurance companies? And you'd be right on all counts because the Republican-controlled Senate is against it. In a straight party-line vote, the Democratic Patients' Bill of Rights was voted down and the Republican Patients' Bill of Rights voted up. Except the Republican Patients' Bill of Rights should rightfully be called the "Patients' Right to Shut Up and Die Bill." It neglects to include key provisions such as allowing patients the right to sue their HMO. To help their cause, insurance companies even paid for a bunch of commercials that promised if the Democratic version of the bill passed, most normal Americans would lose their jobs, be thrown out on the street, and be eaten by mangy, flatulent wolves.

* Santa Cruz, which announced it will be putting a proposal on the spring ballot declaring the town to be a "hate free" zone. One of these days, you would hope stuff like that would be implicit.

Campaign season is gearing up, so here are a few predictable phrases that desperate candidates will utter:

* My opponent would rather raise taxes than pet his dog. As a matter of fact, he doesn't even own a dog.

* I come from a family, I have a family, I think families are simply grand.

* Crime is bad, and there's too much of it. What we need is less crime.

* Schools are very important, but prisons are more very important.

* We are more like we are now than we have ever been before, and it's because of us.

* What government needs today is more people like you, and I am one of you.

* We must sweep away the debris of yesterday and build on the solid foundation of tomorrow.

* Public transportation is a wonderful thing, and other people should be encouraged to use it.

* San Francisco: The FBI is being brought in to investigate suspected criminal wrongdoing in city contract awards. Imagine that. Graft in politics. What next? Nepotism in the awarding of Ivy League admissions?

Darwin, we're not in Kansas anymore. The Kansas State Board of Education took two webbed footsteps backwards by deleting every reference to evolution in their science curriculum. Then they sprouted gills, jumped into a tar pit, and waited for their momentum to carry them back into single-cell bliss. You see, untoward development is frowned upon in Kansas. And the teaching of science is not to be confused with fact. It's only astrology with a better publicist. No, the real truth is some wizened old floating head with a long white beard drew a picture in the sand with his magic fingers and created man. And that's what will be taught in Kansas. Yeah, OK, fine. But, people, the Bible is to science what Wheel of Fortune is to a master's degree in literature.

Will Durst thinks just because some idiot disagrees with you doesn't mean there's a debate.