A GUIDE TO THE NEW SHOWS.

More than 30 new series premiere on the networks this fall, giving viewers a myriad of potentially confusing choices. Here, we make it all very easy for you by pointing out the best new shows on every night of the week. Please note, to paraphrase George Orwell, some nights are more equal than others when it comes to new offerings.

SUNDAY

ABC's ``Alias,'' which debuts Sept. 30, has a deliriously silly premise that it takes waaay too seriously - she's a college student! she's a double agent! she's really hot! - but it's also an undeniably well-mounted action series, with a breakout star (Jennifer Garner as the lithesome spy slayer) and a top-notch supporting cast (Victor Garber, Ron Rifkin and Carl Lumbly as agency men of sundry levels of trustworthiness).

After that, the shows are viable if not must-see TV. ``The Education of Max Bickford,'' which premieres tonight on CBS (see review on Page 7), is an enjoyable look at one man's midlife crisis - especially given that the man in question is Oscar winner Richard Dreyfuss - with a sterling cast; unfortunately, it's a little too hung up on its own earnest middle- brow-ness. ``Law & Order: Criminal Intent'' (debuts Sept. 30 on NBC) is, protestations to the contrary, precisely more of the same from the ``L&O'' factory assembly line, and ``U.C. Undercover'' (debuts Sept. 30 on NBC) is slick and silly cops 'n' robbers. The WB's ``comedies,'' ``Men, Women and Dogs'' and ``Off Centre'' (both debut Oct. 14), are, like most WB comedies, no-shows.

MONDAY

Call it a tossup, with a nod to the underdog: UPN's ``One on One'' has already premiered and is only competing against one other new show (NBC's ``Crossing Jordan,'' featuring vibrant life force Jill Hennessey), but it gets the admittedly unlikely thumbs-up here. The effortlessly entertaining comedian Flex Alexander is a most ingratiating anchor for what is otherwise a terribly routine sitcom, about a dad who agrees to take custody of his 'tween daughter, despite the ravages his sex life may suffer.

``Crossing Jordan'' (debuts Monday on NBC) has hit written all over it, and why not - it pretty much has borrowed from every character in the history of television to create its protagonist, Jordan Cavanaugh (Hennessey), a glibly quippy yet deadly serious, sexy and sassy yet deadly serious, smart and determined medical examiner with enough moxie to clean up her hometown of Boston by herself. And she may need to, given that Beantown's finest regularly ignore the evidence she presents to them in their investigations.

TUESDAY

Due to the exigencies of historic tragedy, the ``24'' (Oct. 30 on Fox) that was made several months ago and the ``24'' audiences will watch will be very different experiences; it will, doubtless, seem less thrillingly escapist than when I first saw it over the summer. Still, Fox's thriller leads the pack on the most improved night of the new season. The whole season's story line, about the CIA chasing terrorists plotting an assassination, will take place in the space of one day.

But there's so much that's promising on Tuesday. Fox's own ``Undeclared'' (debuts Tuesday), an uncommonly intelligent college comedy, recalls the fondly remembered ``Freaks and Geeks.'' ``Scrubs'' is a serviceable comedy from NBC about first-year doctors buoyed by a very funny performance from John C. McGinley as the on-call doctor who's not quite as sadistic as he likes to portray himself (but he's still no picnic). ``Smallville'' (Oct. 16), the WB's reimagined saga of Clark Kent before he became Superman, promises plenty of teen angst amid the special effects.

``Bob Patterson'' (ABC, Oct. 2) has inspired reams of bad blood, but I maintain it has a workable premise - a neurotic self-help guru - and an inspired core cast, consisting of Jason Alexander and Robert Klein. Tuesday has its problems, however, with CBS' ``The Guardian'' (debuts Tuesday), a smug piece of manipulative hokum about a corporate attorney forced to defend poor kids, and NBC's ``Emeril'' (debuts Tuesday), a laugh-free sitcom in which Cajun chef Emeril Lagasse is shunted to the background of his own vanity project, while noisy performers overact all around him. Were I Emeril, my response would be, God! Bam!

WEDNESDAY

Another virtual tie: CBS' ``The Amazing Race'' represents the apotheosis of the reality genre, which is already on. One of the reasons it works so well is that the teams are composed of people who know one another, so their bickering is naturally part of their relationship's dynamic, as opposed to the usual reality show that forces strangers to synthetically and mean-spiritedly berate one another for faux conflict. And Fox's ``Bernie Mac'' (Nov. 7) features the monumentally profane comic in a sitcom that's not only ready for prime time, but actually kind of humane and sweet. Thankfully, you have to wade through a lot of cynical, demented and politically incorrect humor to get to that point.

The bad news: ``According to Jim'' (ABC, Oct. 3) is unrepentant hooey - ``Daddio'' was canceled last year for far less cynical sins. (UPN's ``Enterprise'' (premiering Wednesday) its new iteration in the ``Star Trek'' franchise, was not available for viewing at press time.)

THURSDAY

``The Tick'' (Fox, Nov. 1) is hit or miss, but frequently inspired lunacy, about a superhero as strong as he is stupid (played by Patrick Warburton as Adam West on steroids), and his tremulous sidekick Arthur. One sequence best describes this show's winningly offbeat sensibility: The Tick and another superhero trade war stories about rescuing their sidekicks from evil villains, as if getting kidnapped by bad guys is all sidekicks are good for.

CBS' ``The Agency'' (debuts Thursday) isn't bad, but it's 1) opposite ``ER'' and 2) about - and endorsed by - the CIA, whose credibility might be a smidgen suspect at this point in history. NBC's ``Inside Schwartz'' (debuts Sept. 30) is an almost likable romantic comedy burdened by a one- note gimmick - the protagonist's love life is depicted as if it were constantly covered by ESPN. The WB's ``Elimidate Deluxe'' won't be seen by anyone - it's an afternoon show opposite ``Survivor.''

FRIDAY

``Maybe It's Me'' (WB, debuts Oct. 5) is a cute little anarchic family sitcom cut from the same cloth as ``Malcolm in the Middle''; its pilot may try a little too hard, but its heart and its promise are squarely in the right place. Unfortunately for the WB, it's the only one of its pile of new comedies that is capable of raising even a smile on its viewers' faces.

Those other sitcoms fall hard, fast and flat. ``Reba'' (Oct. 5) which hardly belongs in such a family-friendly bloc of sitcoms, is contemptuous of its characters, and ``Raising Dad'' (Oct. 5) which hardly belongs on a network catering to viewers under 60, is hardly interested in giving its characters an edge.

Still, they might be preferable to ABC's ``Thieves'' (debuts Friday), an utterly derivative, schlocky romantic action series about bad guys more in love with themselves than with one another, or Fox's ``Pasadena,'' which, if the pilot is any indication, is a hoary old-fashioned soap lacking in edge and imagination.

SATURDAY

The protagonist of ``Citizen Baines'' (CBS, debuts Saturday) about a deposed senator returning to civilian life in Seattle, may wish that he was still in Washington, and he certainly wishes he was competing in a better time slot. But he carries the electorate on this evening, mainly because he's not competing with anyone else.

CAPTION(S):

6 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) ``ONE ON ONE'' (UPN, Monday)

(2 -- color) ``BOB PATTERSON'' (ABC, Oct. 2)

(3 -- color) ``INSIDE SCHWARTZ'' (NBC, Sept. 30)

(4 -- color) `THE TICK' (Fox, Nov. 1)

(5 -- color) ``THIEVES'' (ABC, Friday)

(6 -- color) ``PASADENA'' (Fox, Friday)