A BAKER TOUR NIGHTMARE.

WELL, I'M IN PHILLY AND I SEE JON MINER AND HE'S ON THE BAKER TOUR as a filmer for Emerica, and I ask if he wants to go skate and take some pictures. One thing leads to another and Andrew Reynolds is like, "You should come on the whole tour." Damn, this is a break! I at first thought it odd that there was no photographer already, but then realized about five minutes into the trip why no one in their right mind would want to go on a Baker tour. But I'm not only a derelict. I also consider myself something of a photo journalist. This would be like going to Beirut, the West Bank, or Skatopia. It was funny when they asked me to come. I heard myself reply "I don't know, I'm supposed to be doing an article about the X-Games." 'Oh my god!' I thought. 'Did I really say that?'

DON'T HATE THE PLAYERS, HATE THE GAME

See, contrary to popular opinion, I see the Baker crew as some of the truest and rawest skaters around; the complete antithesis of the corporate X-Games.

I can hear right now the whiners on the message boards: "Oh, they're ruining skateboarding, they're glam punks, they're all image, they're telling kids to wear leather and do drugs and think that touching the ground after landing a trick is okay."

But that's sour grapes and you know it. Baker is what skating has always been--outlaws, anti-establishment, a kick in the pants. It's basically early World Industries, or one in the succession of bad boy teams that've always been around. It's just that they are possibly one of the most popular teams in skateboarding, and that leaves everyone else feeling alienated and resentful.

I was going to pontificate wildly on the phenomenology of Baker. But that's not my war.

The tour was my war. My terror. No sleeping--or if for one minute, with one eye open. Non-stop chaos and non-stop fun. A traveling party that never ended. The first one asleep got tortured and the last one up got kicked.

NUTTIN' BUT LOVE

The first incident of note was Terry Kennedy getting attacked at Love Park. Terry had made some unfortunate statement about "Fucking ledges," a comment that Stevie Williams took personally. Now, I know that if Stevie had beef with me, the last place on earth I would ever show up is Love Park, but Terry has a mind which works in strange ways. I only heard the story from Terry (which gets more embellished with every telling), but I guess he was at Love skating and these thugged-out dudes (Terry's description) come running after him (the number of thugged-out dudes also increased with every telling). So he hides in the van under the seat and these guys are pounding on the door ready to kill him. Terry is in there like "Fuck that, I ain't goin' out there." After awhile the guys end up leaving, so for some reason Terry goes bock to Love. Kalis confronts him and gives him a little lecture and then escorts him up the street to Stevie. Terry and Stevie manage to smooth it out, but when Stevie hears that these other g uys chased him around, he gets pissed and makes them sit down and gives out a straight reprimand. Terry's talk with Stevie made him an honorary Love local, with a key to the city and everything. So for the next three days that's all Terry can talk about. "I'm one of them!" he would exclaim.

MORE TERRY

So Terry is seriously the most annoying, unappreciative skater I have ever met in my entire life. I don't mind saying this, because what 15-year-old skater isn't annoying and unappreciative? I know I was. But this guy takes the cake. He'll get all pissed at Andrew: "You're going to turn Bryan pro, then Evan pro, then Knox, then me. I can't wait that long. I'm gonna go back to selling crack in my hood." Bu it's Terry's hyper personality which also gives him his charm. I got to know Terry and all the Baker kids really well, because somehow I got suckered into becoming the "Captain of the Kid Car." I had Terry (who always sat shotgun), Evan Hernandez, and Knox Godoy. This was a nightmare. Evan and Knox are really mellow. Knox is actually much cooler than he seems in the Baker video. But Knox for some reason never bothered to learn my name; he just called me "Thrasha nigga." And he referred to all nouns as "Shits." So this is an example of an actual conversation between Knox and me:

"Yo, Thrasha nigga, you got one of those mullet shits?!"

"Yeah, I like it."

"What? You actually want one of those shits!?"

ROAD RAGE 

Long drives were stressing the kids out. Knox kept saying "I hate all these trees! Driving sucks! Why couldn't we fly between demos?" A the only music we could listen to were songs from skate videos and top-40 rap. They played the same songs over and over.

Soon, like Lord of the Flies, they began to turn on each other. Terry and Knox got pissed at Evan and were ganging up on him. Evan was so bummed I thought he might cry. I told Andrew about it in passing, so that night Erik drunkenly yells at me, "Patrick, Don't let those gang up on each other man!"

So now my responsibilities have grown. On the next long drive Terry puts his seat back all the way into Evan, and Knox has his nasty socks in his face. And I'm driving down the highway yelling "Evan! Stick up for yourself!" "Terry, quit being such an asshole!" I'm like their fucking babysitter. That night, in some lapse of logic, I end up in a room with Terry, Evan, Knox, Trainwreck, and Shane Heyl, basically the worst crew on the planet to share a room with if you plan on sleeping. They had the TV on full-blast although no one was watching it. Trainwreck and Shane were conspiring about what industry moves they were going to make next--which I could care less about, but they threatened that if I put it in Thrasher they'd kick my ass. At three in the morning the kids were still making runs to the vending machines drinking coke and eating candy like it was an illegal drug. I tried to turn off the TV and Knox says "Yo, why's that Thrasha nigga cutting shit out!?"

I closed my eyes only to catch Trainwreck putting shaving cream on me. Finally I was over it and went to find another room. I knocked on a door, only to have Beagle say "Sorry, this room's full." I begged him; I would have slept in the tub. You see, on Baker tours, they get three rooms for 15 people. I guess they manage their money poorly or spend it all on weed and booze, because they seem like the brokest team ever. I tried to fall asleep in some small vacant spot, but could hear them laughing and yelling through the walls. I knew they were messing with my bags. I got up, went over there, and sure enough they were. My bag was filled with buttery popcorn and shaving cream, and in shaving cream on the carpet it said "Fuck Pat."

Now, I've made those kids look like whiny brats, but you knew that anyway. The pros and entourage were the opposite. They slept in overcrowded rooms in the ghettoest motels. They rode in an overcrowded van. Ate the cheapest food, drank the cheapest beer, wore the rattiest, dirtiest cloths. This was no fashion statement; these guys are just raw dirts.

ERIK E.

Erik was yelling "I'll give you $3,000 to kick my ass! Who wants to go! Right now! $3,000!!" Nobody took him. Later he had Bryan Herman in a headlock in the hallway. This was around 2:00 am. The hotel manager come up to yell at him, but was just freaked out by this long-haired dirt butting a little 15-year-old's head into the wall. The manager is saying "One more complaint, I call the cops!" Erik yelled back absolute gibberish with his finger pointed threateningly; "Next time? There isn't a next time! 'Cause next time is the first time!"

KNOX

Knox made me promise not to put any photos of him with beer in the magazine. He said he would get grounded. Knox doesn't drink, but on a Baker tour it's hard to compose any photograph without beer cans all over the frame. I think by putting shaving cream and popcorn in my bag along with other constant torture, his rights to anonymity are forgone. Steve Godoy's gonna fuck you up!

ANDREW

Andrew is the Team Captain. He pays for the whole deal. He's a real nice, sincere guy and I really like him; he's got a good head on his shoulders and he looks out for his team. On top of that there were lots of crew on tour--guys not even really on the team, just there for party value I guess. And Andrew happily paid all their bills. Like when Shane smashed up the room, Andrew paid. It was a morning ritual that the hotel manager would yell at Andrew, "Is this how you live at home?!" Andrew would just be like, "I live worse at home." He'd pay it, and we'd be back on the highway.

Andrew also brought members of his own family. You may not believe me, but his son Bryan Herman came. He also has three twin brothers--Buzzkill, Chicksalt, and Copmagnet. These guys were crazy. They're not really that into skating so usually they would hang back during the demos, but sometimes in the evening they would arrive in full force.

One night in the hotel Buzzkill started scratching Trainwreck so bad that he drew blood. Wreck doesn't take kindly to this kind of behavior so he pretty much beat the crap out of him in a crowded elevator full of tourists. Picture the scene: Two shirtless drunk-asses fighting in a crowded elevator. The doors couldn't open quick enough. Buzzkill was screaming in the lobby "IF CREW'S LIKE THAT, I AIN'T DOWN FOR CREW!" over and over. We went to a bar and Copmagnet managed to get kidnapped by some bar skater/betty. She was stuffing him into a cab, and I ran over screaming "Where are you going?" She pushed me away. "Leave him alone, he needs his sleep!" Yeah, who know what this chick had in mind for him. I thought to myself, 'I may never see him again.'

OUTTA HERE

At one demo of screaming ballistic kids I dropped my camera and broke it. So I was done. Left was a wake of trashed hotel rooms, crushed cans, cigarette burns, and highways. Thousands of screaming Baker fans, tantrums, and brokenhearted girls. And you, the haters.