3pm: The gossip season; Football might have been gone for the summer but the gossip season was still in full swing. Here are some of the highlights.

Byline: BY STEVE ANGLESEY...FOOTBALL'S ANSWER TO THE 3AM

BEST RUMOUR

RUNNER-UP: A very famous manager's team talk for a make-or-break tie on the final day of last season consisted entirely of him sticking his head around the dressing room door and shouting "Same team as last week, lads." They lost. He is no longer with the club.

WINNER:

Jose Mourinho, Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger all agreed to take part in a televised three-way poker showdown - to be staged in Monte Carlo with pounds 1million prize money going to charity - before scheduling conflicts ruled it out.

BEST SNACK

When new Manchester United signing Park Ji-Sung arrived at Korean FA headquarters to discuss his move, a receptionist offered him a sweet. The midfielder accepted the peanut caramel, chewed for a second or two, spat out a live worm measuring 1.3 centimetres and fled the building.

BEST PUBLIC RELATIONS 

Watford's community programme backfired when a misspelled letter was sent to local pubs offering them "shits signed by the players".

BEST HOLIDAYMAKER

The Premiership midfielder whom a 3pm spy witnessed refusing to take an elderly couple's bags off an airport carousel on the grounds that he "might pull a muscle". One of his companions - also an international - fearlessly did it instead.

BEST NICKNAME

The Gimp. Awarded by Newcastle players to their now-departed colleague Craig Bellamy.BEST SUCCESSOR TO

JONATHAN ROSS

Tottenham's Jermain Defoe revealed his favourite movies were the original version of Charlie And The Chocolate Factory and soppy musical Annie.

BEST AVIATION SAFETY EXPERT

In the same interview, Defoe declared that all airline passengers should wear parachutes in case of a crash. He explained: "They say 'put your seat belt on' but if they had parachutes everyone could jump out of the plane."

BEST HAZARD OF FAME

Says BBC's Garth Crooks: "One time I was coming out of Elland Road after commentating on a match and a guy came up to me and said, 'Hi Garth, could you sign this?'... and handed me his ear. He'd been in some kind of accident and had a prosthetic ear and wanted me to sign it. I almost got sick."

BEST PREDICTION

New Peterborough boss Mark Wright: "I will not fall into the trap of making predictions, but I can promise the fans that they will be watching a team giving 100 per centBEST TV MOMENT

RUNNER-UP: Louis Saha tells MTV Cribs: "My wife is a panther. I'm an elephant."

WINNER:

Harry Kewell opens the door to a vast hall-like chamber, complete with huge oak table and several expensive-looking chairs. "This is the dining room," he announces. "We haven't eaten in here yet and we probably never will."BEST RADIO MOMENT

RUNNER-UP: Talksport legend Mike Parry tells listeners "My colleague Alan Brazil has never worn a tie in his life. And whenever he does, he looks ridiculous."

WINNER: Former Crystal Palace manager Alan Smith reveals that a player he took on loan justified billing the club for a three-month supply of condoms because he was "new to the area and needed to make friends".

BEST TATTOO

Inspired by an inspirational 39-word poem that former team-mate Jonathan Woodgate has inscribed in ink on his back, Leeds defender Matthew Kilgallon decided to get one of his own. Unfortunately he let his mum pick the text, which reads like a greetings card: "I'll listen when you need to talk, I'll wipe away your tears; I'll share your worries when they come, I'll help you face your fears. I'm here and I will stand by you, on each hill you have to climb; so take my hand, let's face the world ... Don't worry about the time. You're not alone, for I'll always be here, I'll always go that extra mile; and when things are not easy I'll help to make you smile."

And it must have smarted a bit, too.

BEST JINX 

Southampton's 2005 calendar. Chosen players for May were Graeme Le Saux (retired) and Peter Crouch (sold to Liverpool); while June's pictures were Jason Dodd (now at Brighton) and unhappy camper Antti Niemi. July's choices were Jelle Van Damme, now at Werder Bremen, and Celtic's Paul Telfer. All of which lived up to a precedent set in January, which featured Everton-bound James Beattie, February - with Anders Svensson and Brett Ormerod, now with Elfsborg and Wigan respectively - and April, whose star Steve Wigley was sacked as manager even before 2004 was up.

BEST ROMANTIC GESTURE

A kiss-and-tell story alleged Aston Villa's Nobby Solano had sent his lover a text message reading "My disparate to fubk you".

BEST SPONSOR

A season after Everton signed a deal with Chang - a Korean beer company whose name happens to be Liverpudlian slang for cocaine - Port Vale have linked up with MDA Transport. MDA being a milder form of the drug ecstacy...

BEST HOAX

Mischievous Manchester United fans conned a broadsheet newspaper into reporting that Japanese fans had "held up a wrongly-spelled obscene placard" in a protest against Rio Ferdinand. Alas the picture of two Orientals with a sign reading 'Rio Is Gleedy Blastard' was a fake.

BEST DOUBLE-ENTENDRE

RUNNER-UP: The spokesman for Artemis, a 60-room brothel for World Cup fans which will open in Berlin next summer, assuring potential punters: "This won't be a flash joint where clients are taken for a ride."

WINNER:

Simon Cheetham, who represented Faria Alam in her unfair dismissal case against the FA, telling David Davies: "You are absolutely prepared to roast Miss Alam for telling a lie. But as soon as I touch on Mr Eriksson your memory goes."