2003 friendship resolutions: this year, resolve to get the most out of your friendships!

Now that you're about to break out your 2003 calendar, it's time to think about how to make this the greatest year ever. Along with all your other New Year's resolutions, why not resolve to make your friendships really rock?

We're not talking about adding more names to your Buddy List or hanging with more popular girls or even just upping the fun quotient. What matters most in friendships is how you and your friends treat each other. Are you guys getting the star treatment you deserve?

This is not to say you and your buds won't have ups and downs. People are bound to disagree, complicated social situations arise, and attitudes can flip as often as Gwyneth Paltrow changes boyfriends. Even your truest blues can sometimes go off course and let you down. These potholes in the road are part of life.

But some things are simply unacceptable-being betrayed by a close pal, humiliated by a study buddy or made to feel like leftover bologna by friends you trust. Make this the year that you expect the best from your friends--and learn how to effectively vocalize your expectations.

No need to haul out the Magic 8 Ball to figure out exactly how friends should treat you. That's where our six New Year's friendship resolutions come in. For each friendship scenario that follows, we outline what you should reasonably expect from your friends. After all, you deserve to be treated fairly, honestly, loyally, respectfully, equally and without blame. Read on, and you'll be on your way to top-notch friendships in 2003.

1 Friends will treat me fairly.

You and your buds have plans to study for the bio mid-term. Michelle and Caitlin are meeting you at Deena's house Sunday at noon. Knowing how great Deena is at explaining photosynthesis, you don't sweat over the test all weekend. At 11:45 a.m. on study day, however, just as you're loading up your backpack, Deena calls to say she's nixed the plans. She's peeved because Michelle and Caitlin were totally catty to her at last night's JV basketball game. Now you feel completely left in the lurch.

WHAT'S UNFAIR Deena punishing you for something Michelle and Caitlin did. Even if you've all taken the blood oath of the YaYa's, you weren't catty to Deena so she should not treat you as if you had been.

WHAT'S FAIR Deena ought to realize that her friendship (and commitment) with you is totally separate from her feelings about those other two girls. It's not like you were mean to her. She should break out the books and pore through them with you. It's what you've been counting on all weekend.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY "I can understand that you're upset, but its not fair that I--and my grades--have to suffer for something I didn't do. I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me study, and I'll help you brainstorm some ideas about how to handle the Michelle and Caitlin situation."

2 Friends will treat me honestly.

You're thinking of doing a ballet duet for the school talent show and ask your friend Tracy to be your partner. She bows out because, if she does the talent show at all, she'd rather do a skit--or so she claims. When you show up at the first rehearsal, there's Tracy in her toe shoes. She turns bright red and stammers that she's taking Lisa's place in a ballet routine because Lisa twisted her ankle. You know this is bull because you just saw Lisa skipping down the hallway. Reality hits you--Tracy was planning to dance solo all along.

WHAT'S DISHONEST Tracy telling you a lie just to avoid a potentially touchy moment. Maybe she was afraid that telling you she'd already signed up for a solo would hurt your feelings. Maybe she was worried about you feeling like you were in competition with her. But telling a whopper is way more hurtful in the end. And, hello, didn't she know that you'd obviously find out sooner or later anyway? As a friend, Tracy owes you the truth.

WHAT'S HONEST Tracy should have told you outright that she couldn't be your ballet partner in the talent show because she had already signed up to do a solo. And it's her choice to dance alone if she wants. Sure, you might have been a little bit disappointed, but you'd move on. You'd do your ballet routine, she'd do hers, and you'd all have a blast together at the cast party afterward.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY "I wish you would have been honest with me in the first place. I think friends should tell each other the truth. How can I trust you if you lie to me? I hope you know you can be totally up front with me in the future--even when it's something that seems tough to talk about."

(3) Friends will treat me loyally.

A friend of yours tells you she heard two girls totally trashing you outside the cafeteria. What's worse, this friend saw your BFF Chelsey standing right there with them--and she wasn't saying anything! You feel like you've been slapped in the face. How could Chelsey just let those girls rag on you like that without doing anything?

WHAT'S DISLOYAL Chelsey just standing there and not speaking up or defending you. Even if she didn't join in on the bashing session and go along with the awful things they were saying, her silence is almost as bad as if she had. Giving those two nasty girls an audience is completely disloyal.

WHAT'S LOYAL Ideally, Chelsey would stick up for you at all costs, of course. But if she lacked the guts for the job, she should have at least quickly changed the subject to jolt the girls out of diss-on-you mode. Even Chelsey claiming to be late for something and dashing off would be better. Telling you about the incident afterward would definitely be a step in the right direction, too.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY "I heard you were standing outside the caf, listening to those girls trashing me. If that's true, I really feel a sense of disloyalty. I wish you had told them to can it, or at least walked away. That's what I would have done if I'd heard them talking bad about you."

(4) Friends will treat me respectfully

Mimi is one of your best friends, but she doesn't care as much as you do about school and grades. Many times you've explained to her how your GPA means a lot to you. On the walk home from school, your buds discuss going to a movie on Sunday afternoon. When you tell them you have way too much homework to join in on the flick fest, Mimi laughs and calls you "Miss Perfect" and "Teacher's Pet" right in front of everyone. You feel embarrassed and utterly humiliated!

WHAT'S DISRESPECTFUL Mimi teasing you about something she knows is important to you. It's not funny when a friend disses something she knows you take very seriously--it's showing disrespect for you and what you value. Even if she doesn't get it or agree with it, a friend should respect your beliefs and support your goals.

WHAT'S RESPECTFUL Even though grades don't score high with Mimi, it would be way better if she could show you respect by giving you silent support. Or she could even be nice and say something like, "Maybe if you finish early enough you can go out with us for ice cream afterward."

WHAT YOU CAN SAY "Look, you certainly don't have to spend your weekends cramming with me, but at least respect the fact that I feel I need to study. It's really not OK to make fun of something I care about. Wouldn't you feel hurt if I did that to you?"

(5) Friends will treat me without flame.

You run into your friend Lizzie and ask her to stay after school to check out the school's new poetry club with you. Lizzie agrees, and you guys wind up having a great time composing sonnets. Later, Lizzie calls to tell you she's majorly ticked off at you. Huh? Turns out Lizzie totally spaced on plans she had already made with Maya. Now Maya is mad and not talking to Lizzie. All you can think is, "What does any of this have to do with me?"

WHAT'S BLAMING Lizzie calling to tell you Maya is furious with her and that it's all your fault because it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't suggested going to poetry club. Lizzie is not owning up to her part in this, and she's blaming her easiest target-you.

WHAT'S NOT BLAMING Lizzie needs to take responsibility for her own memory lapse. And since Lizzie is the one who goofed, it's up to her to set things right with Maya...without involving you. You shouldn't be blamed for things that aren't your fault.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY "I know you didn't mean to blow Maya off and I'm sorry things are sticky between the two of you. But this is something you and Maya need to work out. Please don't blame me for your fight with her. You made plans with Maya; I didn't."

(6) Friends will treat me equally.

You've been friends with Fiona ever since pre-K. She's always been a bit bossy, but now that you two are in high school, it's way worse. One day, you make plans with some girls from drama club to get together after school to rehearse lines. When you see Fiona in the hallway, she informs you that she just volunteered both of you to help with decorations for the winter dance. You're expected to be in the gym for the first committee meeting in five minutes! What?

WHAT'S UNEQUAL Fiona acting like she has the right to decide how you'll spend your time. As your bud, she should realize you have equal say and decision-making power in the friendship. She's your friend, not your supervisor.

WHAT'S EQUAL Fiona could have tracked you down first to see if you were interested in doing decorations. She should have asked if it was OK to sign you up.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY "Hey, you're my friend and all, but you're not my boss. We're equals, remember? I like doing stuff with you but, next time, check with me before volunteering my services for anything, OK?"

Now what?

Now that it's clear how you deserve to be treated, what do you do if you decide a friendship isn't making the grade? Well, for starters, you now have the words to explain, calmly and clearly, why you didn't appreciate how your friend acted and precisely how you want to be treated in the future.

Note that you do not have to do this the millisecond a non-friendly sitch occurs. In fact, it's often better to sleep on it and let tempers cool before you take your friend aside to "chat" with her. You might even decide to write her a note or e-mail. It might feel awkward at first, but as you practice sticking up for yourself, you'll figure out what works best for you.

Let's take the last example of a girl who puts herself in charge of your social schedule. You tell Miss Bossy that you're on your way to the drama club meeting and you'll speak to her later. After your homework, decide exactly how you want her to treat you better in the future, and take a deep breath while you dial. Don't blurt out, "Hey, Sister! How dare you stick my name on a dance committee sign-up sheet. Are you insane?"

To communicate effectively, you must be assertive, but here's the trick. You also have to be noncombative. Confused? It's fairly simple. You need to be straight with your friend and tell her precisely how you feel. That's assertive. But because you don't want to launch a back-and-forth bickering match, you have to say it nicely. That's noncombative.

After you've said your piece, now it's up to your friend. You've placed the ball right where it should be, smack in the middle of her court. If she owns up to her mistreatment, seems genuinely sorry and makes amends, you should have no problem setting the friendship back on track. In fact, working this out will probably make you two even closer.

What if she doesn't react the way you had hoped? If she ignores you, denies her part or dismisses your feelings, that would be disappointing. But it's not something you can really control. In the end, you might realize she is not the true friend you had thought.

Whether or not this friendship is for keeps, though, stick to your New Year's resolutions. And just as important, always treat your friends the same way you expect to be treated--fairly, honestly, loyally, respectfully...got it?

RELATED ARTICLE: Be the best to your buds

Remember that friendship is a two-way street--your buds deserve to be treated just as well as you do. So before you flip out or spout off at a friend, make sure you're keeping in mind her basic rights:

She has equal rights to have a bad day. Maybe she doesn't feel like smiling every time you walk by. She might even be in a cranky mood or suffering from a major case of PMS. That doesn't mean you have to declare an all-out war.

She has the right to have oilier friends--besides you, that is. Being her bud doesn't entitle you to an exclusive agreement. It's not fair to be possessive unless you expect her to be, too.

She has the right to live her own life. Just because you didn't get into chorus doesn't mean she can't join if she made the cut. Loyalty doesn't require her to miss opportunities that are good for her just because it might make you feel better if she bowed out.

She has the right to choose not to be with you...for an hour, a day or even longer. Maybe she wants some space, she needs to branch out on her own, has some personal stuff to deal with or feels she has to try out other friendships. That might be sad, but it's not unfair.