2003 FORECAST: A FUTURE NO STRANGER THAN TRUTH.

Byline: KIMIT MUSTON Local View

IN THE UNIVERSE

A giant planet-killing meteor traveling at 50,000 miles an hour will be discovered headed directly for Earth. Panic will ensue until scientists are able to predict that yet another car salesman will win the next ``Survivor'' program, at which point most people agree that Armageddon is preferable to watching that happen again.

The Salami Swami predicts that Luxembourg will declare bankruptcy and will be sold at auction. The board of the Los Angeles Unified School District will buy the tiny nation for $150 million, pay to have it towed to San Pedro and begin building a huge new high school on the property. Unfortunately, while digging the foundation, uranium will be discovered and the abandoned unfinished radioactive structure will slowly sink into the harbor muck, eventually, over millions of years, turning into oil and gas and completing the circle of life.

(For the information of those of you educated by LAUSD, Luxembourg is a small country located where Belgium, Germany and France meet. In Europe. Oh, ask somebody from out of town!)

IN THE NATION

The Salami Swami predicts that in the next year President Bush will call his opponents ``tax and spend Democrats'' about 500 times. He will increase federal spending while cutting taxes, causing skyrocketing deficits. He will weaken regulations on energy and pharmaceutical corporations, laying the groundwork for yet another massive expensive scandal much like the savings and loan debacle in the 1980s and the Wall Street accounting frauds in the 1990s. The Washington press corps will report in depth only the ``tax and spend Democrats'' part of the president's program.

Meanwhile, a Democratic front-runner for president will emerge this year, but by December the press corps will decide he's an idiot and/or a nerd and doesn't stand a chance of winning.

IN SHOW BIZ

The Salami Swami shall not reveal the disgusting trash he has seen being programmed in the upcoming year for the Fox Network, because every time the Swami makes a joke about the next disgusting program Fox might invent, Fox steals the idea from the Swami and puts it on the air without paying him.

However, the Swami is willing to share his vision of the upcoming season of the very well paid ``Friends.''

Episode One: Phoebe consults her financial adviser and hilarity ensues.

Episode Two: The CD player in Chandler's Rolls-Royce malfunctions and hilarity ensues.

Episode Three: Hilarity ensues when the entire cast buys the UPN Network.

IN LOCAL POLITICS

The Salami Swami predicts it's going to be a difficult year for the 15 members of the Los Angeles City Council. By the end of January they will have voted raises for just about every living, breathing bureaucrat within 50 blocks of City Hall - some of whom don't even work for the city. And yet, much to the council's surprise, the city budget will still not balance, thus providing the final disproof of the ``Spend Your Way to Wealth'' investment scheme used as a budget guideline since 1975.

In February, in a moment of uncharacteristic integrity, the city's Ethics Committee will reach the conclusion that it functions merely as a fig leaf for a fundamentally corrupt City Hall system and vote itself out of existence. Nobody will notice until August and then only because Hal Bernson's name hasn't been in the papers for six months.

Thanks to term limits, come June 1st three longstanding council members - Ruth Galanter, Nate Holden and Hal Bernson - will be driving off into the sunset in their city-supplied vehicles. So if you're going to be on the road that day, you might watch out, since most of these people haven't had to pay a traffic ticket for decades.

But what does the future hold for our departing council members?

The Salami Swami predicts that Nate Holden will write a book titled ``Zen, Political Science and the Art of Really Big SUV Repair.'' He will then be appointed Dean of Logic at a college for the slightly hard of hearing named What-Did-He-Say U., where he will feel right at home since that's what most of his colleges and staff have been saying around the councilman for years.

The Salami Swami predicts that immediately after stepping down, the hard-working Ruth Galanter will take a well-earned six-week vacation on a remote island resort. However, unable to resist her natural instincts, Ms. Galanter will re-organize the resort staff to work more efficiently; this will eventually lead her to found a rebellion and overthrow the island's king. Ms. Galanter will be named president of the island. She would have been named queen except, as we all know, the job of queen belongs to Cindy Miscikowski.

Hal Bernson will retire to Chatsworth, where he will be welcomed with open arms by his old constituents, the grateful local equine community, which will heap honors and awards upon Hal in grateful gratitude for his support of high-density housing in the midst of their way of life. No, that's not going to happen; that was just a little Swami joke. Actually, retired Councilman Bernson will start his own firm, T.T.P.B.H. (Time To Pay Back Hal) Enterprises.

AS FOR THE COUNCIL

As for our remaining council members, the Salami Swami predicts that this year Wendy Greuel's publicity-minded staff will get the councilwoman on local television news so often she will qualify as her own mini-series. She will be nominated for an Emmy, but she'll lose out to Sally Field's portrayal of the title character in the competing movie-of-the-week, ``Cindy Miscikowski, Queen of the World.''

The Salami Swami predicts that Councilman Nick Pacheco will lose his seat to challenger Anthony Villaraigosa in the March primary. However, councilman Pacheco will win the coveted ``Top Dirty Campaigner'' award, handed to him by the previous champion, Hal Bernson.

The Salami Swami predicts that the World-Class Mayor of our World-Class City, James Hahn, will have a pretty good year - right up until June 1st, which is when ex-chief of police and brand new council member Bernard Parks will take his seat. The Swami is certain that Parks will win election in the March primary because even if everyone he put in jail were to vote against him, Parks didn't actually put that many people in jail.

Mayor Hahn's difficult year will continue in August, when the Chinese government will announce that the golden monkey promised for the L.A. Zoo during the mayor's recent Asian trip has been delayed in customs, and they will privately inform the mayor that when the towels from his Bejing hotel room reappear, the monkey gets his visa.

Once the little creature finally arrives, L.A. Zoo officials will hold a contest to name their new guest. The two top entrants will be ``Don't- You-Wish-I-Was-a-Panda,'' and ``Poor Substitute.''

These are the visions of the future from the crystal ball of the Salami Swami. I do not endorse the future, I only predict it. All offers void where prohibited by law.

CAPTION(S):

drawing

Drawing: (color) no caption (Crystal Ball)

Gregg Miller/Staff Artist