1997 GOLDEN TURKEY AWARDS; BIRDS FOR THE FAIREST OF THE FOUL FOR THIS YEAR.

Byline: JANE ROBISON

THANKSGIVING in America is such a wonderful, joyous occasion. It gives us the opportunity to acknowledge the dozens of people who have brightened and enriched our lives, however unintentionally.

In short, this is just a great time of year to hand out free turkeys to the people we love. It's time for the City of Angels to lose its head and take wing.

But tossing free birds to the busloads of deserving public officials seems like such a paltry and pathetic gesture.

This is L.A., city of grandiose schemes and inflated egomaniacs. I'm thinking these people aren't going to be satisfied with a plucked turkey splattered on their front yard, no matter how magnanimous the thought.

After considerable arm-twisting within the top echelons of society, I am pleased to announce the first annual coveted Golden Turkey awards. These awards, in addition to free birds, are graciously bestowed on an outstanding number of people who have made their lies - I mean lives - count for something.

Receiving the first batch of birds are the crusaders at the Internal Revenue Service who waited until the last minute to blow the whistle on their co-workers who harassed and financially tortured innocent Americans.

(P.S.: I'm sorry about the video tapes showing fund-raising parties in the Lincoln Bedroom with Clinton and women clad in Barbie outfits that were mistakenly stuffed inside. Those birds were meant for Seymour Hersh.)

And speaking of Barbie, I think the wacky people at Mattel deserve a little wild turkey for scrubbing the makeup off Barbie and giving her Docker-size hips. It's also exciting to hear that Mattel is giving Barbie a ``roommate'' named Ellen. The pair, who will be wearing matching Hush Puppies and tool belts, are expected out this spring. (I'm also sending a humongous pumpkin pie for Barbie. Trust me, it's the fastest way to pad her waist.)

Now that Martha Stewart has teamed up with Kmart to make over trailer parks across America, I think she could use a free bird and a few of the fixings, like those great candied yams made into a croquembouche with those little marshmallows melted over the top.

In honor of our Nike-clad brothers and sisters, the Hale-Bopp travelers who are no doubt celebrating on another planet by now, I'm freezing a turkey and all the apple sauce they can eat. Stop by and say ``hi'' the next time you crazy comet chasers are near Earth.

Receiving a special 24-karat solid gold turkey award are our beloved National Park Service people, who are just scraping by after spending more than $330,000 to build a two-hole outhouse in Pennsylvania. I'm sure the Park Service people wanted a simple, plain privy, but some congressmen just love monuments in their honor.

And speaking of the feds, a turkey to the U.S. Forest Service people who sprayed protesters outside the office of Rep. Frank Riggs, R-Eureka, when they wouldn't leave. (Just a cooking tip to the Forest Service, dousing cayenne pepper on turkey gives the bird an extra kick.)

Still in the fed category, a lot of people will probably take exception to the next recipient of a free bird, arguing that the man can go stuff himself without my help.

But if anyone deserves a Golden Turkey, it's Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who's been flapping his jaw for months about an irrationally exuberant stock market. Hey, Al, enjoy the bird and let my little mutual-fund nest egg prosper in peace.

Locally, I'm organizing a soup kitchen for LAUSD's top brass, who sadly won't be receiving their 20 to 50 percent pay hikes this Thanksgiving. If ever a group of people needed the bird it's Ruben Zacarias and his three deputy assistants, who will have to make ends meet with a meager $139,000 to $178,000 each. (P.S.: Macaroni and cheese goes a long way.)

Last, but certainly not least, I want to recognize the City Council's humanitarian safe drug program: ``Just say no when someone asks you to resign.''The council's herculean efforts to provide safe, free sex and drugs to everyone in L.A. deserves a special golden idol of a turkey, which I think should be placed on the steps of City Hall.

We in Los Angeles are truly blessed with an abundance of elected officials who selflessly toil in the fields of righteous deviation. For this embarrassment of riches, we give thanks.

Happy Thanksgiving, and bon appetit.

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Drawing: (Color) no caption (Daily News GOLDEN TURKEY AWARD 1997)