12 better ways to be married with children.

Sometimes we tend to think wistfully of the "good old days" when we had more leisure time to spend together at home. My mother was home, but she never had any leisure time. She had four children and only a wringer washer. Diapers were cloth and had to be washed, bleached, and hung on the line. Shirts were cotton one per person per day, starched and ironed. She did eventually get an automatic washer and dryer.

Three more children came shortly thereafter.

The ironing pile filled the closet. Ah, to return to those days of leisure. Some families lived upstairs from their place of business, but I didn't know any. Both my grandfather and father worked out of state for periods of time to support their families.

The "old days" were hardly ideal.

Challenge One: Although our parents were certainly busy, it is true that we tend to be more scheduled and to have more activities outside the home than they did. We want home and family to be where we care for and nurture each other. But sometimes we feel too tired or stressed to do much nurturing at all. During those times, home seems like Union Station--a hub of departures, arrivals, refueling, and repairs.

On days when we pass one another in the driveway, an uncaring attitude or remark burns in our heads and our stomachs all day. If we have limited time together, what can we do to make sure those moments help us get closer?

Challenge Two: We have actually made some advances in marriage and family life in recent decades. We are more aware of the damage done by alcohol, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. Openness about these subjects allows victims of abuse to get help.

In addition, a partnership model of marriage has gradually replaced the notion that someone has to be the boss.

We recognize that homes are not always safe and warm places, and although we may want ours to be, it takes a lot of work to change unhealthy patterns we may have developed growing up.

The behaviors we have "videotaped" in our minds take over when we are under stress. If we want something better, we have to really work on how we speak and act with those we love.

What can we do to break unhealthy patterns?

Some things are beyond our power to change. For example, we cannot slow the pace of American life, and we cannot change the past. But we can choose how we treat one another. The good news about family life is that we can do simple things to make the best use of our time together. We can change unhealthy patterns of behavior and make our marriages and families happier and more stable.

Here are a dozen ways to do this:

1. Grab opportunities where you find them.

How much time do we spend driving children--or each other--to and from school, athletic practices, and jobs? We can either use that time to remind ourselves of all the reasons we hate running a taxi service, or we can use car time as a golden opportunity to connect.

There are fewer distractions in the car than at home, and no one is likely to walk away. Find a radio station that plays music the children like and that you can tolerate. Ask open-ended questions: "How are things going? What do you think about the new such-and-such?" Resist the temptation to lecture. That will spoil it.

2. Hire a new sportscaster.

The late Harry Caray is a Chicago legend for the years he spent as media voice of the Chicago Cubs. It didn't matter whether the Cubs won or lost, he was enthusiastic. And when they hit a home run, he'd let out his trademark "Ho-o-ly cow!" The team and fans wouldn't tolerate a disgruntled commentator.

We have little "sportscasters" in our heads as well who observe and analyze everything we do: "Holy cow!" for the things we are proud of and/or "That was the third time in the game that she's dropped the ball?

We're also important sportscasters in the lives of our loved ones. They take to heart more of what we say than we realize. Even when we tell ourselves, "They know I'm joking," the put-downs still hurt. You may remember something an adult said to you when you were a child that still brings a twinge of pain years later. Do we lecture on all the errors we can find, or do we look for positive things to cheer about instead? What kind of sportscaster are you? You may need a more positive voice.

3. Practice appreciation.

A former student wrote me a letter after graduation and enclosed a little note card that said, "Allow me to appreciate you." It really touched me, and it's still on the refrigerator. Teaching and writing are like sending notes in bottles. You never know what happens to the messages.

Each day, challenge yourself to give one word of appreciation to each member of your household. It gives someone a surprise boost of energy. Besides, if you're looking for things to appreciate, you won't have much time left to find things to criticize.

4. Listen.

When one party thinks the other party isn't listening, isn't hearing, doesn't "get it," or doesn't care, fights escalate and hurts deepen. So, to calm the hostilities and give yourself a better chance to resolve the issues, listen until you know what your partner needs, wants, or fears. Then put it into words and check it out. Ask if you've got it right. You don't have to agree, but it's much easier for someone else to listen to you if you have listened first and you have assured him or her that you have heard.

5. Discover win-win problem solving.

I teach this skill in class. The basis of it is a shift of attitude. The shift allows the possibility that both can win if they use different rules and stay with the process long enough. The process involves remaining calm, listening to what each person is ultimately looking for, and working together to find solutions that cover both sets of needs.

If I want my child to have enough fruits and vegetables, and the child wants to avoid spinach, there are a lot of other fruits and veggies that will meet both our needs. It might seem awkward at first to say, "Let's see if we can solve this so that we both get our needs met," but it's worth it.

6. Be ambitious about your family relationships.

A young woman and her husband had difficulties connecting with each other. They talked "at each other," hurt each other, and gradually pulled away. She says she was telling herself that they couldn't afford counseling until she realized that the rest of what they spent money on wasn't nearly as important as their marriage.

"We decided to be ambitious about our relationship," she tells me. Now they invest time and money on what's most important.

7. Make appointments for one-on-one time with your loved ones.

Children relate differently when they are alone with a parent than when they are one of a crowd. Parents are different, too. When my children were younger, whether we went to the zoo or the grocery store, I was constantly counting--"One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four" in my mind--to make sure I knew where they all were. One of my friends called it "crowd control."

But once in a while, each of the children would get a night out to do something fun and get a bite to eat. They'd have special time to be themselves and be the center of parental attention. This is more a matter of determination than of extra time or money. Decide first, then figure out how.

A friend has one of her grandchildren over each Friday evening for supper and a sleepover. One-on-one time can also work wonders in relationships with partners, grown children, siblings, and older parents as well. Doing this says: "You're special, and I love you for being you."

8. Build your own life raft.

Our extended families don't always live in the same neighborhood. I have six siblings in six states. They used to be a source of family stability, a life preserver to hold on to when the going got rough. You can pull together a small community of friends as a local life raft to share your family's happy and sad times.

Two cautions here. As our teachers always told us, choose your friends carefully. Your children will watch them and you. Second, the only way people become like family is by regularly investing time in each other. Include them in the things you're already doing. For example, help each other put up storm windows and end the day with pizza together.

9. Recharge your battery. Plug into healthy outlets.

It's hard to keep putting out energy for other people when our own batteries run low. We need recharging. But some things we do, supposedly to recharge, are unhealthy escape behaviors that leave us feeling guilty, angry, and more likely to lash out at family members than connect with them.

Abuse of food, alcohol, spending, gambling, or other substances and processes are often attempts to fill a sense of emptiness inside. These actions usually leave us still feeling empty and in pain and leave our loved ones feeling farther away from us.

Everyone needs restoring and recharging. Fifteen minutes spent on a brisk walk, a warm bath, shooting a few baskets, or calling a friend can have the same calming effect without the negative side effects of the common "anesthetics."

10. Beware of avoidance excuses.

It is possible to use one's job or favorite activity as a convenient excuse--a barricade--to avoid interaction with spouse or family members. Listen for clues: "Be quiet, I'm watching this show," or "I'm making this special supper for you, now go away and leave me alone!"

People who have been on the shutout side of this will often attest that they would rather have a parent to interact with and a simpler supper. They would rather have a spouse willing to discuss the day's events than one who reads enough to be an expert on everything. It might seem easier to do something alone for someone else than to spend unstructured time "hanging out" with that person.

Some of us who were brought up with a strong work ethic might get nervous sitting around, afraid that someone would accuse us of wasting time. It's not wasting. It's investing in your IRA--your Individual Relational Account. Time is the commodity to invest in if you want a strong relationship, one that grows and lasts.

11. Maximize faith: Talk and do more.

The story of the Good Samaritan is central to Jesus' message. Compassion is top priority, more so than religious labels or titles.

A seminary conducted an experiment in which all the students heard a talk on the Good Samaritan. Following the talk, half of them received messages that their next classes had been rescheduled to an earlier time.

As they went to their classes, all encountered strangers who appeared hurt or in trouble. The results: None of those who thought they were late bothered to stop and help.

In the original story, it may have been that the priest and Levite didn't stop to help the stranger because they were late for a meeting. In contrast to religious talk that sometimes doesn't reach young people, an occasional family outing spent directly helping real people would maximize the impact of Jesus' message and strengthen the family as well. Not enough time? Drop a meeting.

12. Apply the most positive approach to the most negative problems.

Too many homes--across all ethnic, religious, and socioeconomic lines--are subjected to addictive and/or abusive behavior.

Spouses and children "walk on eggs" or work overtime to prevent another blowup or fix the last one. They try to be perfect enough so that Dad or Mom won't "have to" abuse their drug of choice or their families. There is only one known way to successfully deal with it: Stop pretending you can control it.

You can't. Use your energy in ways that can do some good.

Name the problem, at least in your head. No more denial.

Don't enable. Don't make excuses, make up stories, clean up, or apologize for someone else's destructive behavior.

Detach. Take a step back. Separate yourself emotionally, so that his or her out-of-control behavior doesn't bring out the same in you.

Get help. Al-Anon is a group of people who are learning how to bring sanity to family lives. Counselors hear these stories often. The self-help sections in bookstores and libraries have accounts of others who have gone through this.

Set boundaries and make them stick. "I will not ride with you if you have been drinking." If you see violence brewing, take the children to a friend's house or a shelter. Call 911. Have an escape plan. The children deserve to have one adult who functions and gets them out of harm's way.

Take back your life. One person's illness does not have to control the family. The next explosion will happen whether you hold your breath or not. So start doing positive things to reclaim life: Take the children to the zoo, take a class, dust off your old bicycle.

Find a "portable place" where you can find peace--your connection with God, a quiet place in your heart, a sense of a power greater than yourself. Know that you are giving your family hope and that you are not alone.

Some things are beyond our power to change, but we can choose how we treat one another. If practiced daily, these things ease the tension and increase satisfaction and contentment necessary to properly function as a family. Decide to practice one each day and rotate them until they become second nature.

Start today. There is no time to waste.

VIRGINIA HOFFMAN has taught marriage classes at Loyola University in Chicago since 1984. She has a counseling practice in Evanston and Libertyville, Illinois. Reprinted with permission of Loyola magazine.