10 Ways to Get Closer as a Couple.

How to break through the emotional distance in your relationship

Judi and Robert are both busy professionals. Both work long hours daily. Their one day off each week is spent catching up on household chores--laundry, yard work, cleaning, grocery shopping, and paying the bills. They have very little "discretionary" time to spend together. Over the decade of their marriage, Judi and Robert have become strangers to each other, even though they live in the same house.

Nancy and Ron both work full-time and are involved, concerned parents to their three children. In addition to juggling the demands of their work, Nancy and Ron spend most evenings and weekends transporting children to their various activities--music lessons, sports practices. During the 15 years of their marriage, the closeness that they first enjoyed seems to have evaporated.

Judi, Robert, Nancy, and Ron share something in common with many other couples. For various reasons they have drifted apart. The vitality and sparkle that used to characterize their relationship is gone. They didn't plan it; it just happened--subtly, slowly, silently. However, there is good news. It is not necessary to head to a divorce court to settle for the "status quo" in an unfulfilling relationship. Couples can break through emotional distance to revive their relationship. Here are 10 important words for getting closer as a couple.

Listen

A common concern that many couples express is that their partner "doesn't listen" or "refuses to understand" or reacts with harsh words. "A quick retort can ruin everything," notes the writer of Proverbs (Prov. 13:3, NLT).(*) A simple way to defuse a pattern of miscommunication is to practice receptive listening. That means dropping all defenses in order to learn what the other person is really saying and feeling. Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after being married nearly 50 years, said: "My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we've kept it no matter how angry we've grown with each other. When one yells, the other should listen--because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations."

Faith

Couples who worship, pray, read Scripture, and participate in a faith community generally have stronger, happier marriages. Their faith in God is one more tie that binds them together. Ricardo Montalban is well known for his many roles, especially that of Mr. Roarke, the white-suited host on the television program "Fantasy Island." Montalban is also a committed Christian who has been married to the same woman, Georgiana, for several decades. He credits their deep faith in God for the satisfaction and success of their marriage. "If you stick to your principles, religion, and convictions, you'll be rewarded," he says. "You need many different kinds of glue in a marriage: love, humor, respect--and belief in God. That's the strongest of all. It's kept us together."

Forgive

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" advises Paul (Col. 3:13, NIV).([dagger]) The apostle knows whenever human beings live together they can cause each other pain--intentionally and unintentionally. The path that leads to healing from lingering hurts is forgiveness. Choosing forgiveness means favoring the positive and giving the marriage a second chance. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or whitewashing what has happened. Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt, moving on in the relationship, learning from the experience, and using the information to build a stronger marriage. A good example is the following letter, written by Jennifer to her husband after she was offended by insensitive comments he made during a heated argument a week earlier.

"Michael, I was very hurt by what was spoken, but at the same time I can see you're human and can make mistakes. I forgive you. I love you and our life together. I want us to understand each other even better and grow from this. When one of us is unhappy with something in our relationship, we need to speak before the feelings erupt into a full-scale argument. Let's make our marriage even better than it was. I love you, Jennifer."

Share

As a couple take some time to look back together at the events that make up your common history. The sharing of these memories is effective in rekindling feelings of warmth, affection, and love. "God gave us memories that we might have roses in December," wrote James M. Barrie. The sharing of memories can be done verbally. "Remember the year we lived in Washington, D.C., and the power went off for two days? We snuggled and slept in front of the fireplace." The sharing of memories can also be visual. Try turning off the television one evening to look over old photo albums savoring and treasuring the memories recorded in them.

Initiate

Taking the initiative for doing things together seems to get forgotten and neglected the longer a couple is married. "It's easier to wait for our spouse to suggest going out for a date, what we ought to do on vacation, having friends over for dinner, taking a stroll around the block," observes writer Carole Mayhall. "And so we settle into a comfortable (if boring) rut and wonder where the excitement went." Couples who want to get closer will take some time to think about experiences that can deepen their love and then act on those ideas.

Remorse

The ability to feel remorse--that sense of guilt over a wrong one has done--is essential for any marriage to succeed and thrive. Remorse is a positive force that drives a spouse to admit a wrong, extend an apology, and seek forgiveness. A spouse who feels remorse demonstrates respect and love for a partner. Remorse is a powerful healing agent within a marriage. "It's hard to say why an unexpected bowl of popcorn, placed at your end of the couch, can erase the leftover tension from a quarrel, but it can," notes Philadelphia clinical psychologist Judith Sills, Ph.D. "Maybe because it says, `I'm sorry I was in a bad mood,'" she adds.

Time

One of the most important ways to deepen love is through time. A couple cannot grow in love without spending time together. Bill and Kristin, a Los Angeles professional couple, have very busy, hectic schedules. Yet every month they compare calendars, choose a day, and mark it in large letters: NOTHING. They take the day from work, pass up all social events, and spend the day together enjoying each other. "The day is completely unstructured," Bill explains. "Once we got out of bed, went to a video store, and rented two videos. Then we returned to our house, cuddled up on the couch, and enjoyed a double feature together. Another time we might spend the morning catching up on our magazine reading, then go for a walk in the park and perhaps enjoy a picnic lunch. The point isn't what we do, but simply that we are spending time together."

Praise

Many spouses say they feel unappreciated and even rejected by their partners. Couples who are close and remain that way practice praising early and often. They know the importance of being a cheerleader and of providing the applause of appreciation. "We have never met a person who was suffering from too much praise, acceptance, or support from those around him," note Kevin and Marilyn Ryan in their book Making a Marriage. "We have both been surprised that simple compliments have meant so much to the other. We thought surely the other person knew how much we valued this or that aspect of him or her. We have come to believe that all of us are struggling in an impersonal world and are plagued by self-doubt. We need to be told about our strengths and the things we do well. And we need to be told early and often."

Talk

Couples who have never drifted apart are inevitably those who have made it a habit to talk openly about issues. Even though such a conversation could result in some pain, they do not avoid or evade issues. It is wiser to express and explore feelings early before they become more intense. David has been married 50 years to the same woman. Their family now includes two children, nine grandchildren, and a great-grandchild. Looking back over his satisfying marriage, he says: "As a husband who's proud of his 50 years of marriage and hopes for many more, I believe that what contributes to our success is that we always talk out minor problems and differences that arise between us before they fester and get bigger. We hug each other often.... We're considerate of each other and give in once in a while, even when giving in isn't what we'd like to do."

Grow

Couples who remain close are constantly growing in their knowledge of the world around. The information they absorb benefits them both professionally and personally.

A good example is Jerri, a 38-year-old teacher in Chicago who has been married 15 years. "My husband and I are always taking refresher courses of one kind or another," Jerri says. "The new ideas lead to many stimulating conversations and keep us from getting stale and bored with each other. We're both eager to grow intellectually and emotionally. Also, I've made it a point to read one article or book chapter about marriage each month--how to make it better, livelier, more satisfying. I gain many new insights and try applying them to our relationship--always with positive results."

Finally, every marriage benefits greatly when couples maintain a sense of humor. "Humor is the sunshine of the mind," noted Edward George Bulwer-Lytton. Maintaining a sense of humor can take the sting out of disappointment and the bite out of an argument. Healthy couples know there is wisdom in simply laughing away some issues and problems.

(*) Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright [C] 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

([dagger]) Texts credited to NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright 01973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

G. Weatherhead wrote this article while living in California.