10 Things Parents Wish They Could Tell Their Adult Children.

1. I am an adult.

Adult children sometimes change roles with their parents. Unfortunately, "mothering" a parent can actually become "smothering."

After the death of a parent or a divorce, families face the question "What's the best housing arrangement for our remaining parent?" They may feel Mom can't (or shouldn't) live alone. Or that Dad should move in with them. They may be right, but unless parents are mentally incapacitated, they have the right to use mature judgment and decide for themselves.

Discuss options: staying put as long as health permits; retirement apartment; condominium; garage or basement apartment in son or daughter's home. A word of warning: If at all possible, leave well enough alone for at least a year. Don't add to the stress your parent has experienced by insisting on a quick move.

2. Respect my choices.

Janet(*) loved bright colors. Her daughter Ruth felt she should wear more subdued clothing. Janet submitted, but one day she rebelled. She exchanged one of her daughter's choices for a cranberry red Ruth had vetoed the day before.

"There's enough drab in the world without my adding to it," Janet told the saleswoman. Knowing the glowing color would enhance her graying hair, Janet set her lips and prepared to do battle in order to have her choices respected.

Parents of adult children face a multitude of choices: continue working or retire; travel or stay home; eat in or out; exercise or read a book. Turning the right of choice over to others means losing control--and too often, self-respect.

3. I value your advice--when I ask for it.

Jon, a widower, met a wonderful woman at church. Several months later he proposed. Jon could hardly wait to share his newfound happiness with his son.

Matthew was secretly appalled. He managed a weak, "Congratulations, Dad," but exploded to his friend Peter. "Why didn't Dad ask me what I thought? Joann's neat, but it's been only two years since Mom died. I know people remarry, but Dad's in his 60s."

"Yeah," Peter grinned. "Old enough to know what he's doing."

Unwanted advice from adult children can drive a wedge into even close relationships. Wait until asked before handing out opinions. Like Matthew's, they may reflect only your viewpoint and not be what's best for your parent.

4. I have a life of my own.

After her painful divorce Karen began to build a new life for herself. She involved herself in community service, church activities, neighborhood study groups. Keeping busy helped her get off the past and on with her future.

Karen's son and daughter were used to her being available to "watch the grandkids on demand." It took courage for Karen to say, "Sorry, I'm not free on Sunday. I'm going out to dinner with friends." When she did, she felt guilty. After a few such times she sat down with her family and gently pointed out that even though she loved being with them, she also had a life of her own.

It's easy to assume that because parents have always been there for you, they always will be. Learn to deal with the fact that parents do have lives of their own.

5. Respect my standards.

Adult children set standards for their lives and homes that may differ from those held by their parents. When they meet, they clash.

Grant's parents assigned his live-in girlfriend a separate room when they came for the holidays. He took instant offense. "You embarrassed me," he accused.

"You should be embarrassed," they told him. "You know our standards, yet are selfishly trying to force us to change them to accommodate your lifestyle." Attempting to impose new and different standards on Mom and Dad is a sure way to rip families into shreds.

6. Respect my home.

Left by her parents at Grandma's house, 4-year-old Carrie threw a tantrum and pounded the piano keys. Before Grandma could say a word or close the lid, Carrie's 6-year-old sister, Susan, sternly said, "Stop that"

Carrie stopped pounding long enough to taunt, "I do it at home."

"Well, we don't do it at Grandma's," Susan snapped. "Stop it right now,"

Carrie stopped. Lessons Susan had learned long before had been learned well.

Grandparents have the right to speak up in their own homes when parents aren't there, or don't see or choose to ignore destructive behavior.

7. Be careful when choosing a mate.

One of your most important choices is selecting the person with whom you will spend your life. A choice based not only on mutual love but on respect, shared interests, common goals, etc., builds a solid foundation for a lasting marriage, a relationship strong enough to weather storms and bring great joy.

A certain young woman who had given the subject a great deal of thought said, "I plan to marry someone who will help me be the best I possibly can. I want our marriage to mean we will be better persons and help the world more together than we ever could if we each remained single." She has. They will.

8. I need to be needed.

Parents will always be parents. However, once their children are grown, many fear that their usefulness is at an end. Aging and retirement often intensify these feelings of low self-esteem, resulting in depression and loss of the joy of living.

I firmly believe one reason my mother lived until almost 96 was that she knew she was both needed and important to others. She told stories at church and set an example of faithfulness. She served as listening ear to young and old who poured out their troubles. She proofed and edited all my writing and was still looking up scriptures for a devotional book the day before she went to the hospital for the last time. Knowing she could still contribute kept Mom's mind and spirit young.

9. Share your life with me.

No one rejoices more at the success of their children and grandchildren than Mom and Dad. No one aches more at their heartaches. In well-meaning efforts to spare the folks' feelings, adult children often keep troubles to themselves. While it certainly isn't wise to run to parents with every little thing, discussing difficult situations helps ease pain and strengthens family bonds.

Phone calls also bring joy: "Things are getting better." "I got a promotion." "Hey, Grandpa, I made the honor roll? Make them often.

10. Allow me to discuss the future.

Most adult children avoid discussing death with their parents. Doing so means accepting the harsh fact that parents won't live forever.

While still in good health, Margaret sat her children down and told them, "We need to discuss the future. It isn't morbid, and I have definite wishes." She outlined those wishes: no heroic efforts to keep her alive; a memorial service glorifying life in place of a mournful funeral service. She informed them where her will, deed to the house, etc., were kept,

Margaret died a few months later of a no-warning stroke. Her open and honest facing the future kept grief from being compounded by a snarl of business affairs.

The Last Word

If I haven't said I loved you often enough, I do. That's the eleventh--and most important--thing I want to tell you.

(*) Names have been changed.

Colleen L. Reece is a freelance writer living in Auburn, Washington.