How to Unwrap A DVD (Extra Special 7th Anniversary Director's Cut Chartrooz-Ray OCD Edition).Those precious few hours spent trying to get your DVD out of its box can be the most enjoyable times of your life. 1) Slit the clear plastic shrink wrap with a knife or pair of scissors, being careful NOT to slit the clear plastic slipcover underneath. That''s permanent... just like the long ugly slice that you just put into it, you stupid idiot. Worst Possible Case: the shrink wrap is stiff, rather than soft, and has been heat-sealed to the spine of the DVD case. If this happens, you will spend the rest of your life trying to scratch off the last vestiges of the plastic from the case, because every time you pick it up, you will feel little plastic remnants fluttering against your hand and they will slowly drive you batshit crazy.2a) If the DVD case is cheap cardboard with a black plastic snap strip, you will need to use your fingernail to carefully remove the large round piece of clear plastic tape fastening the cardboard front cover to the long snap strip on the right side. Worst Possible Case: the plastic tape will rip a large hunk out of the cardboard cover image, which will drive you batshit crazy, every time you look at it. 2b) Alternatively, if the DVD case has been fabricated from molded plastic, use your fingernail to carefully scratch off the white title strip of plastic tape from the top edge of the plastic case. Worst Possible Case: if you don''t painstakingly roll the edge of the title strip, just after lifting up a small corner with your fingernail, the title strip will split and force you to start again from scratch. Another Worst Possible Case: the title strip might be so sticky that it leaves a gummy residue on the DVD case, so you will need to re-apply the longest strip of plastic tape (it *has* split into many small strips, no?) to the gummy sections, and try to remove the sticky residue by quickly ripping up the re-applied strip, much like tearing off a band-aid encrusted with blood. Yet Another Worst Possible Case: the sadistic DVD companies often apply strips of plastic tape not only to the top of the case, but also to the side and bottom. In this eventuality, you will probably be left with a sticky, gummy, yucky DVD case, so please feel free to go batshit crazy. 3) Assuming you have successfully opened the DVD case, you will now feel an overwhelming need to remove the rectangular plastic security chip glued to the inside of the case. Resist this urge. Let it go. Deep breaths. Okay, you''ve just slipped your fingernail under the edge, to see if it will... oh, crap. It''s embedded under your fingernail, isn''t it? Plus, that tender skin beneath your fingernail is bleeding, right? And when you lift up the chip, a glittering piece of foil remains stuck to the inside of the case, doesn''t it? Didn''t I tell you to resist the urge? Didn''t I tell you to let it go? Didn''t I tell you to take deep breaths? You stubborn anal moron. You richly deserve to go batshit crazy. Just like me. Alan C. Baird coauthored a screenwriting how-to book, and his scripts may be found at the http://scr.9TimeZones.com site. He sold his debut student film to ABC-TV''s groundbreaking cyberpunk program, Max Headroom, and his articles appear in Playboy, PC, and Britain''s Guardian and Screenwriter. |
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