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'WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT?'.


Back in the days of the Great Washington Sex Scandal last year there was gnashing of teeth. "What should we tell the children?" worried parents asked. It wasn't an idle question. What strikes me as strange, however, is that nobody asked the same question this year during the war in the Balkans.

As many as a million people were uprooted. Tens of thousands were killed. A nation was laid waste. Now the bombing and the "cleansing" have stopped, but revenge killings continue. Our kids have had as much access to these horrors as they did to Monicagate. Many Americans were distressed, even sickened, by the reports from Pristina and Belgrade, but nobody, it seems, has focused on what these reports might be doing to our children.

Do we think that children are more vulnerable to messages about sexual escapades than they are to the terrifying ter·ri·fy  
tr.v. ter·ri·fied, ter·ri·fy·ing, ter·ri·fies
1. To fill with terror; make deeply afraid. See Synonyms at frighten.

2. To menace or threaten; intimidate.
 violence of war? Were they more troubled by whispers of high-level dalliance than by pictures of mothers cradling cra·dle  
n.
1. A small low bed for an infant, often furnished with rockers.

2.
a. The earliest period of life: had an interest in music almost from the cradle.

b.
 dead bodies?

Only a few months ago, commentators scrambled scram·ble  
v. scram·bled, scram·bling, scram·bles

v.intr.
1. To move or climb hurriedly, especially on the hands and knees.

2.
 to define parameters for discussing with children the lurid lu·rid  
adj.
1. Causing shock or horror; gruesome.

2. Marked by sensationalism: a lurid account of the crime. See Synonyms at ghastly.

3.
 sexual details of the Starr report. Some members of Congress asked for a national dialogue on truth telling and family values family values
pl.n.
The moral and social values traditionally maintained and affirmed within a family.
. Children, the chorus said, are hearing and reading about things they aren't ready to handle. Do they think children can handle war?

Consider: As children watch an ongoing war they see their most horrifying fears come true-fears of loss, of violence; fears that the monsters of their nightmares may become real-life monsters of the day. To assure our children that their inner struggles can be safely resolved, we tell them fairy tales This is a list of fairy tales, the dates of their earliest known printed version, the author and, if known, the collection of tales in which it was published. It should be noted, however, that not all stories listed below would be categorized as fairy tales by a strict definition  with happy endings. The wartime news presented a different reality. "If it can happen to that little boy in Kosovo," kids wonder, "can it happen to me? Why not?" Just saying "No, it can't happen (programming) can't happen - The traditional program comment for code executed under a condition that should never be true, for example a file size computed as negative. Often, such a condition being true indicates data corruption or a faulty algorithm; it is almost always handled  to you" isn't enough.

It's useful to try to see events and issues the way children see them- useful for the kids and at least as useful for us grown-ups. If we could gain that perspective we might spend a lot of time explaining, or trying to explain, war and other things that don't make sense to them. Maybe we'd have a national dialogue on homelessness: "Mommy, why can't they have a place to live like us?" Or on disability: "Daddy, I saw some kids making fun of a boy with mental retardation mental retardation, below average level of intellectual functioning, usually defined by an IQ of below 70 to 75, combined with limitations in the skills necessary for daily living. . Why would they do that?" Or on meanness: "Grampa gram·pa  
n. Informal
A grandfather.



[Alteration of grandpa.]
, all the time on TV they say such mean things about politicians and famous people. Is that okay?"

In wartime, if we looked through the eyes of children, we'd have an emergency dialogue, at least in our own homes, on violence and the fear and trembling
For the novel by Amélie Nothomb, see Fear and Trembling (Nothomb).


Fear and Trembling (original Danish title: Frygt og Bæven
 over human hatred fully unleashed in war. "Why are those people killing each other?" kids ask. "Why are we doing it? It scares me an awful lot." It would be good for us to try to answer, if we didn't pretend that such questions are easy or the answers are simple. By trying to answer as best we can, we tell the children that they've been heard, and that their questions matter. This leads us to questions of faith and issues of justice, things that matter to children. You may have heard children exclaiming (screaming), "It isn't fair!" They're sometimes right.

In our house we say prayers at night before bed, and each child gets to say his or her own prayer. When my son Tim was four he said the same prayer every night: "I hope the army and the navy and the air force will not use their guns and will not go to fight anyone and will not get in any wars." My eleven-year-old daughter Rose prays for her grandmother, who lives alone. Sam, six, always prays for my cousin who died in an accident more than a year ago. And one night during the war, five-year-old Kathleen prayed for all the people in Kosovo. But she didn't pray that it wouldn't happen to her. She prayed that it would "stop right now so the moms and dads and kids can be happy again."

Besides wanting to have their fears addressed and their questions answered, children want to see something done about the horrors they hear about. Not miracles-kids can be pretty realistic-but something. So, besides listening to our children's inner voices and responding, we must act on whatever scale is possible. Let's expect our schools and our political and religious leaders to pay attention to the children when terror reigns, whether in Littleton or in Kosovo. Let's listen, but let's also respond with simple deeds like fundraisers for refugees and school-based programs to support the social and emotional needs of children. Let's show our solidarity in action and prayer with those who suffer.

Last year all of us had to endure a great deal of "deepthink" psychologizing about what to tell the children. This year's news has confronted them, and us, with something more serious. Surely we should be thinking about what to tell them. It would be wise if we also attended to what they have to tell us. When I listen, I hear this: "Stop the killing. Give the refugees a place to sleep, food to eat. Give the sick people medicine. Show us that you care and we'll feel safer."

Timothy Shriver shrive  
v. shrove or shrived, shriv·en or shrived, shriv·ing, shrives

v.tr.
1. To hear the confession of and give absolution to (a penitent).

2.
 is president and chief executive officer of Special Olympics Special Olympics

International sports program for people with intellectual disability. It provides year-round training and athletic competition in a variety of Olympic-type summer and winter sports for participants.
, Inc. This article was written before the accident in which the author's cousin, John F. Kennedy "John Kennedy" and "JFK" redirect here. For other uses, see John Kennedy (disambiguation) and JFK (disambiguation).
John Fitzgerald Kennedy (May 29, 1917–November 22, 1963), was the thirty-fifth President of the United States, serving from 1961 until his assassination in
, Jr., and Kennedy's wife and sister-in-law, lost their lives. He asks prayers on their behalf.
COPYRIGHT 1999 Commonweal Foundation
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 1999, Gale Group. All rights reserved. Gale Group is a Thomson Corporation Company.

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Author:Shriver, Timothy
Publication:Commonweal
Date:Aug 13, 1999
Words:936
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