'SWEPT AWAY' NEEDS BROOM.

Byline: Evan Henerson Staff Writer

SOMEWHERE in the world, at this precise moment, Gus Van Sant is laughing very hard. By now, in fact, I'd wager he's close to giving himself a hysterics-induced coronary.

You'd do the same if someone trumped your dung pile the way Guy Ritchie and Madonna have so considerately managed to do. Van Sant's ``Psycho,'' the now infamous shot-by-shot redo of Alfred Hitchcock's classic, is no longer the most appalling remake in existence. No, that distinction has been blasted out of memory - and likely off the discount video store racks. The new champion - save your rotten fruit for the starving animals who need it - is ``Swept Away.''

There will be those contending that the original 1974 ``Swept Away,'' directed by Lina Wertmuller and starring Mariangela Melato and Giancarlo Giannini, wasn't worthy of a remake to begin with. And they're right. But at least Wertmuller's film had punch, wit and a sociological savvy that didn't pound you in the face. Ritchie's remake has some attractive scenery and his wife's exposed breasts. Fair or otherwise, we've come to expect more from the director of ``Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.''

By sharp contrast, we've come to expect very little out of Madonna when she chooses to step in front of a camera and do anything other than sing. It's an easy temptation to lay ``Swept Away's'' failure at her Blahnik-encased feet. It's also inevitable. The lady is so lifeless, so utterly unengaging, her line deliveries so forced or flat. For the first 30 or so minutes of this 90-minute nightmare, Madonna plays the most raging of witches as though she has something against the dialogue (written by Ritchie) she's being forced to utter. Amber the Nasty is an easy part; Madonna makes it look like laborious.

Amber and her pharmaceutical mogul rich-guy husband Tony (Bruce Greenwood, deserving of pity) are taking a Greek islands cruise with two other couples. For no discernible reason, Amber is spoiled, caustic and bitchy to everyone she encounters. She saves her worst treatment for the ship's fisherman and first mate Giuseppe (Adriano Giannini, Giancarlo's son). Worthy Giuseppe sucks it up, takes the abuse and goes below deck to fume to his fellow shipmates. He'll get his revenge - and Amber her comeuppance - once the rich diva and the working-class stiff end up stranded on a deserted island. And, irony of ironies, the two will end up in love.

This is meant to be a love story. Once Amber softens, degrades herself and learns some rudimentary Robinson Crusoe-isms, we're supposed to dig her as much as noble Giuseppe does. But Ritchie's treatment of the class reversal is majorly ham-fisted, from the repetitive manifestos that keep getting thrown in people's faces to the fact Amber is such a joke. Are we really supposed to give a rat's behind the lady doesn't have access to a gym!?

There's a moment, guaranteed to get a laugh, when Giuseppe orders Amber to sing and dance for him, and poor beaten-down Madonna shuffles her feet a bit and screeches a few toneless bars of ``Come-on-a-My-House.'' This sends Giuseppe into into fantasy mode, allowing him to imagine Amber swirling in a hot yellow dress and lip-syncing like crazy. For that brief moment, Amber becomes the Madonna we know, the Madonna of verve, style and fascination - the reason we buy her albums or worship at her altar.

A few beats later, we're back with Madonna the unfit leading lady, trapped on a desert island where the degradation is entirely the audience's.

SWEPT AWAY - Half star

(R: sex, nudity, language)

Starring: Madonna, Adriano Giannini, Bruce Greenwood.

Director: Guy Ritchie.

Running time: 1 hr. 30 min.

Playing: Wide release.

In a nutshell: Scenes from a degrading class struggle on a deserted isle with Madonna, unlike an actress.