'STEALING HARVARD' FLUNKS OUT IN EVERY SUBJECT.Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic THE ONLY THING that kept me interested in watching ``Stealing Harvard,'' the latest piece of lazy piffle from Joe Roth's Revolution Studios piffle factory, came from wondering how the movie is going to use its MPAA-sanctioned allotment of one F-word. Every PG-13 film gets to use the F-word once, and you can be sure that witless wit·less adj. Lacking intelligence or wit; foolish. wit  less·ly adv.wit movies like ``Stealing Harvard'' and, oh, ``The Animal,'' ``America's Sweethearts,'' ``The New Guy'' and whatever other soulless soul·less adj. Lacking sensitivity or the capacity for deep feeling. soul less·ly adv. time-waster Roth has green-lighted, will make (bleeping bleep n. A brief high-pitched sound, as from an electronic device. v. bleeped, bleep·ing, bleeps v.intr. To emit a bleep or bleeps. v.tr. ) sure they use that allocation. In ``Stealing Harvard,'' it comes when the film's hero, John Plummer John Plummer (c. 1410 – c. 1483) was an English composer who flourished during the reign of Henry VI of England. Not many of Plummer's compositions survive - only the motet Anna mater matris Christi (Jason Lee), asks his grandmother for some money so he can send his niece to Harvard. Grandma's response: ``Who do you think I am'' Donald (Bleeping) Trump?'' ``Stealing Harvard'' gets a lot of comic mileage from old people cursing. It also finds humor in jokes about dead parents, dead spouses and mental illness. I'm not saying that you can't find humor in these dark places. You can. It's (barely) possible. But you're going to have to put in a little more effort than the feeble work here by screenwriter Peter Tolan and director Bruce McCulloch. Tolan received a writing credit for the amusing ``Analyze This,'' but based on his subsequent efforts - the brutally unfunny ``America's Sweethearts,'' ``Bedazzled'' and ``What Planet Are You From?'' - it's safe to say that Kenneth Lonergan Kenneth Lonergan (b. 16 October 1962) is a playwright, screenwriter, and director born in the Bronx, New York City, New York. He began writing in high school, later graduating from the NYU Playwriting Program. and Harold Ramis saved that movie. Here, Tolan and McCulloch manage the impossible - they turn two eccentric performers (Lee and Tom Green) into the cinematic equivalents of Melba toast and rice crackers. Green plays Duff, the old friend Lee's John turns to for ideas to raise the $30,000 needed to send his niece to Harvard. John happens to have $30,000 in the bank, but that money is earmarked to buy a house with his fiancee, Elaine (Leslie Mann). Since Elaine inexplicably weeps during lovemaking love·mak·ing n. 1. Sexual activity, especially sexual intercourse. 2. Courtship; wooing. lovemaking Noun 1. , John guesses that she wouldn't jump at the chance to give their nest egg Nest Egg A special sum of money saved or invested for one specific future purpose. Notes: Examples of the purposes for which nest eggs are usually intended include retirement, education, and even entertainment (vacations and cruises). to the niece's Ivy League education. This sets up one dumb attempt after another by John and Duff to find the money. In the process, they run afoul of Elaine's father (Dennis Farina) and a police detective (John C. McGinley John Christopher McGinley (born August 3, 1959) is an American actor, producer and screenwriter, most notable for his roles as Perry Cox in NBC's Scrubs and Sergeant Red O'Neil in Oliver Stone's Platoon. ) who keeps a toothbrush in his desk drawer to scrub his rectum. Naturally, that toothbrush ends up in somebody's mouth, an event as foreordained fore·or·dain tr.v. fore·or·dained, fore·or·dain·ing, fore·or·dains To determine or appoint beforehand; predestine. fore as grandma's use of the F-word. STEALING HARVARD - One star (PG-13: crude and sexual humor, language, drug references) Starring: Jason Lee, Tom Green, Leslie Mann. Director: Bruce McCulloch. Running time: 1 hr. 22 min. Playing: Wide release. In a nutshell: Title should be changed to ``Stealing Money'' for anyone dumb enough to buy a ticket to this lazy piffle. CAPTION(S): photo Photo: Leslie Mann, left, Tom Green and Jason Lee scheme to get tuition money in ``Stealing Harvard.' |
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