'SOLDIER' FIGHTS ON.

Byline: Lee Barnathan Staff Writer

Carl Ferrill breaks down and cries in his Valley College football office.

There are two painful things he faces daily: He has prostate cancer and his family - especially his 15-year-old daughter - objects to his decision to delay surgery.

Ferrill has made it clear: He refuses immediate surgery unless the cancer spreads. Nor will he resign. If he can just make it to Christmas, he'll have the surgery right after.

Yet he sees the concern all around him, and it almost makes him want to change his mind. But he doesn't. It's that hard-headed nature of his.

He admits what scares him the most these days isn't dying. It's life without football.

``You take old coaches like myself, it's a part of my life,'' he said. ``I don't know if I can hang it up. I wouldn't know what to do. I'm a guy who likes to be active. I can't see myself sitting at home.''

And yet, all around him there is care. His fellow Valley coaches rarely offer advice because they know he doesn't want it. His family, meanwhile, especially his halrother and daughter, have made it clear: They want him to have the surgery now.

They have their reasons, and Ferrill knows they're valid. His energy is drained from the 20 radiation treatments he has received since summer. He looks older and more haggard than his 54 years. He has what appears to be lesions on his left arm.

Last week in Valley's home opener against Harbor, he couldn't get out of the way of a play, and he suffered major ligament damage in his right knee that will require reconstructive surgery. For now, he wears a brace.

``He's a lot sicker than people know,'' said Valley athletic director Chuck Ferrero, a 29-year friend of Ferrill's. ``He's full of heavy-duty antibiotics, full of drugs. He's been through something like 20 radiation treatments, which knocks you out. He's not himself. How can you be yourself after what he's been through?''

Ferrill hears all this, yet he marches on. If there's one thing Carl Ferrill is, it's a fighter. He beat colon cancer - which claimed the life of his father at age 58 - nine years ago. He's eating more broccoli, cauliflower and carbohydrates, and less red meat. He has heard the saying that more men die with prostate cancer than from it.

``If I can get through the season, I'd like to do that,'' he said. ``I have a responsibility to my family first, but I also have a responsibility to this college, to get these athletes through the season. . . . I don't want to be pulled off the field. I want to take the team to its highest level, academically, too. If I can be here, I can give these guys guidance. If I walk away from this football team, there could be some young men who go back on the streets. A loss of one is too many.''

< The care

This is Ferrill's 31st year in coaching, mostly in junior colleges, and he never has had a losing season. Along the way have come championships: 12 conference and bowl titles, plus national titles as a baseball player at New Mexico Highlands, as a football player at San Bernardino Valley and as a football coach at New Mexico Highlands.

``Coach Ferrill is a soldier,'' receiver Cordell Landers said. ``He still cares even though he's still hurt. That's letting us know we should be behind him 100 percent.''

Ferrill's devotion extends to coaches, too. After Ron Ponciano was dismissed as Cal State Northridge's coach, Ferrill offered him a spot on his staff. Today, Ponciano is assistant head coach.

The day Ponciano was fired, Ferrill called Ponciano's cousin, Scott.

``I got a call from Carl Ferrill saying, `Scott, you've got nothing to worry about,' '' Scott Ponciano said. `` `You'll always have a job waiting, you'll always have food on the table, and you'll always have a place to stay.' ''

Today, Scott is the administrative assistant who is oral exams away from earning his master's degree in education/administration from New Mexico Highlands through an accelerated program Ferrill runs.

The coaches, in turn, do everything they can to help Ferrill. After Valley's opening-game loss to Harbor, Ron Ponciano stayed at the school, breaking down film of the last game and analyzing film of the next opponent, Grossmont. He worked all night.

``Extra effort was needed,'' Ponciano said. ``There's just so many hours in the day. It was important to get it done.''

Ferrero, the Valley athletic director, and former player/coach Dave Buchanan, have offered their services, too. They have been working with the kicking and kick return teams, but this week they're increasing their involvement.

``I'm only doing this because it's Carl,'' Ferrero said. ``I never wanted to do this.''

< The conundrum 

A football office isn't where one usually sees grown men struggling with such a difficult issue.

``We're getting into things psychologists and psychiatrists have been dealing with for a hundred years,'' Ferrero said. ``There's not a wrong or a right. Your life experiences make you make your decisions. Life is life whether you're a football player, or an artist or a construction worker. Who's to judge if you made the right decision?''

Yet everyone seems to have an opinion about whether Ferrill should have his surgery now. Most think he should, but most don't tell him because he wants an opinion only if he asks, and he's not asking.

``It's another battle he wants to fight,'' said Ron Ponciano, the only coach who has told Ferrill he should get the surgery. ``I just really hope the consequences don't outweigh his actions. I told him (Sunday), `You know who your friends are. I don't want to lose you.' ''

Ferrill's daughter, Christina, is afraid she will. She and her uncle David have insisted he get that operation.

As far as Christina is concerned, her father is worried about life without football, but she's worried about life without him.

``His health is No. 1,'' Christina Ferrill emphatically said. ``If he doesn't have his health, then there's not going to be a dad or a team. My No. 1 concern is not his team. It's his health.''

Ferrill's eyes water again. As a single parent, he knows he's risking not seeing his daughter graduate from San Dimas High School. He also has a 20-year-old daughter, Felissa, from whom he is estranged. He knows he might never get to reconcile with her, or see his 2-year-old grandson grow.

And yet, Valley football tugs at him. He said the offense Saturday was ``atrocious,'' and he blamed himself.

``If I had more energy and be more like Carl Ferrill, we could be something special,'' he said.

``He has an obligation. They trusted in him in coming to L.A. Valley,'' David Ferrill said. ``Emotionally, he wants the best for the team. Which is better? It's a tough call. . . . I hope that's not detrimental to him in the long run.''

< The conclusion

Ferrill fears the school will not allow him to coach. Yet Ferrero said discussions with college president Tyree Weider never have reached that point. When the two talk, Ferrero says he simply updates Weider on Ferrill's condition.

But Ferrero doesn't know much because he suspects Ferrill is keeping things a secret.

Ferrill declined a request to let the Daily News speak to his doctors. Upon further questioning, he explained why.

``There's a good possibility that it has spread,'' he said softly. ``I'm probably going to have to (have surgery), but I know if I do, all hell breaks loose.''

Then he laughed and smiled.

``I'd have probably been better off had I done it right away, but I had to go and be so darn hard-headed.''

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo: (1 -- color) Valley College coach Carl Ferrill, shown shaking hands with members of his team, has put off his prostate cancer surgery.

(2) Valley College coach Carl Ferrill, left, recommended former CSUN coach Ron Ponciano, right, to become head coach at Valley.

Gene Blevins/Special to the Daily News