'SNOW DOGS' LITTLE MORE THAN CINEMATIC MUSH.

Byline: Evan Henerson Staff Writer

Who let this dog out?

There is no greater proof that bad things can happen to good actors than Disney's ``Snow Dogs,'' a movie that makes ``Turner and Hooch'' (whose ending ``Snow Dogs'' virtually pirates) look like Fellini. Family movie? This goopy tale of a Miami dentist who inherits a dog-sledding team should effectively frighten young children and bore their parents.

Co-stars Cuba Gooding Jr. and James Coburn will survive this. But pity the pups - seven Siberian huskies and a border collie who get no say in their dignity. Not only do they have precious little to do, but the beasts are subjected to animatronic indignities that allow them to smile, wink and execute other cutesy behaviors.

For director Brian Levant, who made drool an art form with ``Beethoven,'' doggie antics are the least of ``Snow Dogs' '' problems. Levant, along with five credited screenwriters, can't figure out what story he wants to tell. When in doubt, the film ratchets up the stirring soundtrack, throws in a fish-out-of-water gag and lets the cliched dialogue rip. Or else a doggie winks. (No poop jokes, thankfully.)

Gooding plays Ted Brooks, a dentist too squeaky clean to be a playboy. We see him jogging around the city, admiring his visage plastered on the sides of buses and generally loving life. Until, one fateful day, he learns he's been named in a will in Alaska and that he's adopted. It falls to his cookie-baking adoptive mother (``Star Trek's'' Nichelle Nichols) to break the shocking news.

All of a sudden, Ted's on an identity quest. He heads to Tolketna, Alaska, home of the Arctic Challenge dogsled race, to claim his inheritance and maybe find a parent. It seems his real mother, Lucy, was a sledder, and a free spirit. She leaves Ted her house and her champion caliber dog team. Ted suspects his father was white (he chalks it up to his fondness for, we kid you not, Stilton blue cheese and the music of Michael Bolton), and there aren't a lot of candidates. Graham Greene and M. Emmet Walsh are part of the local color. Ted also discovers a love interest: a feisty barkeep named Barb (Joanna Bacalso, quite wooden).

Also hanging around is Thunder Jack (Coburn), a crusty mountain-man type who disdains city slickers and who wants one of Ted's huskies to lead his team. No soap, says Ted (or some equivalent). Figuring sledding is somehow in his blood, our Mr. Brooks sets out to tame both his dogs and the sport in time for the big race. To the credit of the screenwriting quintet, the film's climax does not hinge on Ted crossing the finish line.

What chemistry might exist between Gooding and Coburn is drowned in script schmaltz. A couple of clicks broader, and Coburn might have pulled off a Grizzly Adams parody. Gooding, alas, has to play it straight and squeaky clean. That means plenty of comic humiliation - and a shredded down parka or two - before triumph.

The scenery in Alberta, where the film was shot, is beautiful. The dogs are handsome and the film goes to some pains to assure us that the fictional Arctic Challenge is a ``dog's welfare first'' competition (a racer gets docked for eating before he feeds his dogs during a rest). This hasn't kept animal-rights activists from sniping at ``Snow Dogs'' over the alleged promotion of dog racing.

Would that ``Snow Dogs'' offered anything interesting enough to get excited over. It's a turkey in a fur coat.

``SNOW DOGS''

(Rated PG: crude humor, mild dog and human peril)

The stars: Cuba Gooding Jr., James Coburn, Nichelle Nichols, Joanna Bacalso, Sisqo.

Behind the Scenes: Directed by Brian Levant. Written by Michael Goldberg & Tommy Swerdlow, Philip Halprin & Mark Gibson, and Jim Kouf. Produced by Jordan Kerner. Released by Buena Vista Pictures.

Running Time: One hour, 39 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: One star

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It's a dog's life in ``Snow Dogs'' when a Miami dentist inherits a team of mischievous sled dogs.