'REVENGE' IS NOT SO SWEET.

Byline: David Kronke TV Critic

``Sweet Revenge'' is apparently aimed at movie fans so patient and undemanding they could, as they say, watch their favorite actors read the telephone book. In this case, perhaps the telephone book would be an improvement on the material offered here, which squanders the likes of Kristin Scott Thomas, Sam Neill and Helena Bonham Carter.

Based, we're cryptically informed, on ``the plays of Alan Ayckbourn'' (maybe writer-director Malcolm Bowbray could've achieved some coherence by just sticking to one of them), ``Sweet Revenge'' is a full-fledged misfire originally slated for theatrical release (instead, Miramax took the tax write-off). Neill stars as Henry, a middle-age noodge who has lost wife and job and is about to jump off a bridge when he encounters Karen (Bonham Carter), who had roughly the same idea but messed up.

They rescue one another, swap sob stories, and Karen decides they should get revenge on those responsible for their woes - she'll zero in on the unctuous middle manager (Steve Coogan) who sacked poor Henry, and he'll drop-kick the wife (Scott Thomas) of the man (Martin Clunes) who thoughtlessly spurned her. Alas, Henry learns too late that Karen is a nut job - while he's falling for his ostensible target.

Sure, it sounds like a promising set-up, and why not? Hitchcock used it to great effect a half-century back in ``Strangers on a Train.'' But the humor is of the most absolutely desperate nature, and is then belabored on top of that. So not only do we have to see Neill trussed to a bed decked out in a furry codpiece, or cavorting in frilly, neon-hued fashion-victim outfits, but we must endure such spectacles for exasperatingly long stretches after they would've ceased being funny had they ever been funny in the first place. Alexandre Desplat's cheesy music ensures that many scenes go splat, but then, with the rampant tonal confusion and flat screenplay, no score could've reasonably complemented the on-screen action.

Bonham Carter looks frankly disconcerted in a couple of scenes; Neill looks embarrassed, but that's part of his usual shtick so it's hard to tell whether he's actually acting. Scott Thomas merely stands around smiling beatifically, but she does it a lot less convincingly than she has elsewhere. How can we get our sweet revenge on the filmmakers?

``SWEET REVENGE''

What: ``Strangers on a Train,'' done as a comedy, sort of. The stars: Sam Neill, Helena Bonham Carter, Kristin Scott Thomas. When: 8 tonight. Where: Showtime. Our rating: One star