'PERFECT MOVIE GIRL,' FLAWLESS AND CLUMSY, CAN ONLY EXIST IN REEL WORLD.

Byline: > MELISSA HECKSCHER

So I saw the movie "Good Luck Chuck" and already have forgotten mostly everything about the plot -- except that it was a silly (though mildly entertaining) smorgasbord of been-there, done-that movie cliches performed by a stunning Jessica Alba and her adorably bumbling co-star, Dane Cook.

Jessica plays the charming "Haven't-we-seen-this-in-some-other-movie?" girl who can't walk in heels without stumbling and who generally has everything going for her except, well, balance.

And it made me wonder: With all the latte-drinking legions of screenwriters in Los Angeles, could nobody think of anything better than, "Hey, I know! Let's make a movie where the female character, like ... falls a lot and stuff."?

Apparently not.

"Sometimes that kind of vulnerability is just a cheap shortcut (by the screenwriters)," said Billy Mernit, a Los Angeles-based screenwriter and author of "Writing the Romantic Comedy" (Harper Collins, 2001). "It's like, 'She's got to have something endearing about her, so let's make her clumsy."'

But wait -- is being clumsy really that endearing? (I'm clumsy! I'm clumsy!)

"Men are attracted to helplessness," Mernit said. "It's that whole Cinderella-Sleeping Beauty archetype where the woman is portrayed as not entirely powerful."

Not only that, but to fit into the happily-ever-after, laugh-and-

cry love story formula, the tried-and-true "Perfect Movie Girl" must abide by a particular set of guidelines.

She's got to be the girl who wakes up beautiful and who looks cute when she cries; whose skin is flawless and whose morning breath smells like bubble gum; who never gets indigestion or gas or cellulite or pimples or split ends or STDs or (God forbid) wrinkles, and who, let's face it, was only created because "Real Life Girl" wouldn't sell.

Why not? You be the judge:

Perfect Movie Girl vs. Real Life Girl.

Perfect Movie Girl has an endearing or exciting job.

She's either the mothering type (kindergarten teacher, animal caretaker, waitress); the eccentric romantic (painter, sculptor); or the secret something-or-other (undercover journalist, spy, assassin).

Real Life Girl probably sits at a desk all day.

Perfect Movie Girl is dangerously klutzy.

She'll stumble down stairs, walk head-first into poles, and fall into bodies of water. She'll never get hurt, but in the tumbling, her clothes may be torn off, soaked through or otherwise removed.

Real Life Girl is only clumsy when she's drunk. And it's not cute when she falls.

Perfect Movie Girl has a really cool apartment.

Sure, she makes a measly salary at the aforementioned job, but somehow PMG can always afford the flawlessly decorated home she shares with her dog/cat.

Real Life Girl shares a one-bedroom apartment with a roommate. Her dog/cat still lives with her parents.

Perfect Movie Girl is always just about to leave the country.

Usually it's for art school; sometimes it's for a job. It doesn't matter -- once her lovesick boyfriend chases her down at the airport minutes before her plane takes off, she'll never actually get there.

Real Life Girl already paid $831 for a ticket (and the boyfriend wouldn't make it through security in time, anyway).

Perfect Movie Girl has exactly three friends.

The trifecta usually includes: (1) the straight-talking best girlfriend who advises her on men; (2) the fashion-savvy gay man who advises her on clothes (and men); and (3) the sweet guy she's known forever who's secretly madly in love with her.

Real Life Girl has more friends than she can count. Luckily, MySpace does the counting for her.

Perfect Movie Girl is always wearing matching lingerie.

Come on, guys. Do you really think women spend 20 minutes every morning coordinating their underwear? (Of course you do.)

Real Life Girl only wears matching lingerie when she knows someone might see it.

Perfect Movie Girl kisses the guy for the first time ... then wakes up with him the next day.

Real Life Girl kisses the guy for the first time ... then calls him the next day.

Perfect Movie Girl gets really emotional when it's raining.

This is a weird one. Whether it's a passionate kiss, or a melodramatic, "I never want to see you again!" PMG gets especially feisty when she's outside in the pouring rain.

Real Life Girl ... wait, it (almost) never rains in L.A.

Perfect Movie Girl has some deep, dark secret that can only be revealed in front of thousands of people (e.g. onstage at the prom; in a televised address; at a football stadium, etc.).

Real Life Girl may have secrets, but she's not telling anyone.

Perfect Movie Girl always lives happily ever after.

Obstacles are overcome, truth is revealed, true love triumphs. Cue blooper reel.

Real Life Girl can live happily ever after, too. She just has to be a little more realistic.

THE END.

Melissa Heckscher [phone], Ext. 329,

[e-mail]

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Photo:

Perfect Movie Girl, played here by Jessica Alba in "Good Luck Chuck," is usually gorgeous, helpless and quite different than a Real Life Girl.