'LOVE CRUISE': RESCUE US FROM GIGGLING ISLAND.

What is it with Fox reality series and their blinking barrage of rules? ``Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage'' (the title being wishful thinking that there will be subsequent incarnations) offers a welcome innovation - they vote out two people per episode, ensuring a mercifully brief run - and a terrific appellation (those banished are dispatched to ``Loser Island,'' which should be the title of a reality series in and of itself).

But the arbitrary and silly nature of the rules, such as they are, reveals the show to be just another listless entry in the reality genre, interested only in wringing cheap tears and confrontations - a la Jerry Springer - from its ``contestants.''

``Love Cruise,'' which pairs eight single men and eight equally unmarried women on a boat adrift - both physically and spiritually - in the Caribbean for some frolicsome if muddily defined activities, isn't quite shameless enough to be ``Temptation Island,'' or interesting enough to be ``Survivor,'' or pathetic enough to be ``Big Brother.'' The winning ``couple'' wins an exotic vacation and $200,000, pretty meager by reality-TV standards (wouldn't you like to sit in on the development meetings where they decide just how much it's worth to thoroughly degrade and humiliate contestants without seeming too cheap?).

As is par for the course in the genre, contestants are given but a sentence fragment or two in which to espouse their world view: One participant is looking for a ``financially secure'' mate; another admits she's ``a little bit dramatic'' (no kidding); another concedes, ``I definitely require a lot of attention.'' Practically before the show's under way, you're thanking your lucky stars you're not stranded with these castaways on this giggling island.

So everyone is ordered to pair off, a boy and a girl to bunk down in each cabin (presumably platonically, at least at first). Friction begins immediately, because the gals spurn some guys and guys spurn some girls. Lisa, who's successful in her career (and apparently far less so socially) and in search of that ``financially secure'' fella, just about blows a gasket when two guys blow her off. But she's equally lachrymose when someone's nice to her, so, again, you're grateful you're nowhere in her vicinity.

Contrast her with Michael - with whom she's unwillingly paired in tonight's episode - who worked hard to shed both weight and his negative selmage and is portrayed as a sane, self-effacing guy - in tonight's episode, at least. If you know the rules of reality TV, poor, likable Michael is toast; not tonight, perhaps, but at least eventually.

Another apparently insecure castaway is Gina, who protests too much when she insists she's happy with her life, while bitchily dissing the whoppingly pneumatic Toni (whose three attributes are her medically enhanced floating devices and her very hot, er, head) and expressing near bewilderment when a guy actually treats her decently. The so-called ``power couple'' is composed of Anthony, a luxuriantly tattooed aspiring screenwriter, and Laura, a young woman who's equally lithesome and toothsome and is nonplussed when someone describes her as ``sweet.''

Competitions are pointless - there's a Q&A in which contestants are forced to answer embarrassing questions about themselves, then submit to embarrassing activities if they're judged to be fudging the truth. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of hanging out, in which the meager amount of backbiting that transpires is heightened (interviewees are likewise encouraged to say something provocative; most demur yet manage to sound as if they think someone might be interested in their opinions). Eventually, after three days (per the ``Survivor'' standard), oustees are voted upon; criteria for ejection is as arbitrary as the show itself.

Tonight's episode sets up the premise a little more clearly than the scatterbrained ``Temptation Island'' did, but the danger in that is that it's clear there's really no point beyond making a few show-biz wanna-bes look silly. Which ``Love Cruise'' manages, with barely a smidgen of panache. What's clear is that no participant here will win our hearts (like Colleen) or deserve our enmity (like Richard). We'll forget about them all as soon as this cruise is over, at which point they'll wonder why their agents aren't returning their calls.

``LOVE CRUISE: THE MAIDEN VOYAGE''

What: ``Love Boat'' meets ``Temptation Island'' meets Sartre's ``No Exit.''

Where: Fox (Channel 11)

When: 9 tonight.

Our rating: One and one half stars

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) There's not a Gopher or a Julie in the bunch: The contestants of ``Love Cruise: The Maiden Voyage,'' airing at 9 tonight on Fox, compete to be the last couple standing.

(2) Cast members of ``Love Cruise'' will frolic (or not) aboard the Windjammer SV Mandalay for a shot at $200,000.