'INNOCENT' QUESTIONS PLAGUE COUPLES WITHOUT CHILDREN.

Byline: ANN LANDERS 

Dear Ann Landers: Please tell your readers it is never OK to ask, "When are you going to start a family?" What may seem like an innocent question can be as painful as a stab in the heart.

Childless couples ache when they see a beautiful baby. They go completely to pieces when they read about newborns found in plastic bags in dumpsters. They are angry that life has treated them so unfairly and wonder what they did wrong. They bargain with God, thinking perhaps if they give up this or that, they might get pregnant and have a child.

Going through test after test and from doctor to doctor is pure agony. They live with the hope that the next test will reveal some good news. After a while, they are emotionally exhausted. They feel cheated and "different." It seems that no one understands. But life goes on, and friends and relatives get married and have children. When they hear that the Smiths or the Joneses are having their third or fourth and aren't very happy about it, they become furious - then depressed. Why is life so unfair?

I hope you will print this letter. There are so many of us, and we need to be heard.

- No Name, No City

Dear N.N.N.C.: You spoke for many childless couples today, and on behalf of all of them, I thank you. Rest assured your letter will be greatly appreciated and widely discussed.

The next letter should be of interest to you:

Dear Ann Landers: This letter comes from the other side of the globe. I read your column in the China Post, published in Taiwan. I am writing in support of the woman who said infertile couples should not give up hope.

I'm from Europe, and my wife is Taiwanese. While we were still in Europe, my wife became pregnant three times, but each pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Tests revealed that the fetuses had chromosomal abnormalities. We were pronounced "healthy," but the specialists were unable to say more than "Better luck next time," which was depressing.

Here in the East, gynecologists look at this problem in a totally different way. Harmony and balance in the body and mind are key words in the traditional Chinese way of curing people.

Two years ago, we visited a gynecologist here in Taiwan. We returned home with a bag full of herbs with instructions to use them for a year.

Halfway through the herb treatment, my wife became pregnant again. This time, she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who weighed nearly 9 pounds. He is now walking at 10 months and is the joy of our lives.

Please, Ann, tell your readers in the West that couples who cannot have a child do not necessarily have a problem. The problem might be with their specialists, whose Western knowledge of the human body is sometimes quite limited.

Couples who get pregnant despite doctors telling them that the chances are very slim call it a miracle. My wife's father, who is a doctor specializing in Chinese herb medicine, says there are no miracles in healing. Those so-called miracles just show how little some traditional doctors know.

- P.W., Taiwan

Dear P.W.: I'm for whatever works. Considering the number of people who die from botched and unnecessary surgery and improper medication, herbal medicine could be a viable alternative.