'HAMMER' HAMMERS MILLER.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth The Media

In front of a bunch of entertainment media writers recently in Pasadena, new ``Monday Night Football'' analyst Dennis Miller quipped:

``I'm not ready to go right now. I've got two weeks and I'm going to use them. I'm going to load myself up with statistics and information, then try to forget about them and put it all on a deeper level.''

That, by the way, is a joke, although many in that group didn't grasp it.

And, by the way, your two weeks are up, cha cha.

Monday's otherwise meaningless exhibition exercise - the Hall of Fame Game between San Francisco and New England in Canton, Ohio - signals both the beginning of pro football on TV this season (Arena League doesn't count) and an immediate spotlight on Don Ohlmeyer's hiring skills.

Will Miller's sports-broadcasting debut be an immediate hit or will he become the next Fred ``The Hammer'' Williamson?

Which makes us wonder. . . . What does the one-time ``MNF'' analyst - who lasted the 1974 exhibition slate and just two regular-season games before he was canned for pulling Howard Cosell's toupee off his head on camera - think about this latest attempt to bring the glory of Monday nights back to television?

On his new Web site (www.fredwilliamsondirect.com), recently launched by Santa Monica-based Athletic Direct as part of their ``legends'' Internet home pages, ``The Hammer'' nails home a few points of his own.

``It's a strange bedfellow,'' Williamson writes about Miller and ``MNF.''

``(I think they went after a comedian because) they failed at everything else and decided to try something new. They failed so bad that they had to bring back (producer) Don Ohlmeyer . . . and his first job was to do something questionable. It'll tell itself in the first two games and we'll know right away.

``I think that the fans should be a little insulted (by Miller's hiring). I think that you should bring people to the forefront that have not only some knowledge of the game but also some experience in the game. Bringing Dan Fouts was a good thing. He doesn't give you too much information and doesn't make it seem like you are watching radio.

``They had a lot of names up for the position that I didn't really like. I mean, go after some coaches or players. Go after somebody that has played the game. What can Dennis Miller bring to the table except something funny? That's not why we watch `Monday Night Football.'

``I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he is funny, but if you are going to question that, then he doesn't have nothing.''

Williamson, a defensive back with Pittsburgh, Oakland and Kansas City in his eight-year career that ended in the late '60s, also reveals that the only reason he took the ``MNF'' job was the network offered him a three- picture deal to produce, direct and star in their ``Movie of the Week.''

Someone ought to check Miller's contract. And Al Michaels' hairpiece.

--Summerall's somersault: The only thing kinda certain about Pat Summerall's future with Fox Sports is that he signed a one-year contract extension through the 2001 season, which includes the 2002 Super Bowl.

Whether he's retiring after that, even he's not sure.

Which only slightly contradicts a Fox press release and hastily called press conference Monday in Century City to announce that Summerall's ``remarkable and legendary NFL broadcasting career . . . will come to an end with Fox's telecast of Super Bowl XXXVI in January 2002.''

Summerall said the only real news involved the fact that would be his 50th year in pro football (10 as a player, 40 as a broadcaster) and doing his 16th Super Bowl (eighth with John Madden) would be ``a perfect way to cap it.''

A perfect way to cap it? How about retiring 10 years ago.

--What's it all about, Elfi? NBC's tape-delayed highlights from this weekends' U.S. Gymnastics Championships in St. Louis (Saturday at 8 p.m., Sunday at 7 p.m.) gives Canyon Country's Vanessa Atler a chance for some prime TV exposure before the U.S. Olympic team is determined by coach Bela Karyoli next month following the trials in Boston.

NBC gymnastics analyst Elfi Schlegel, speaking by phone Thursday from the meet, says no one is a shoo-in for the women's six spots on the U.S. team going to Sydney, but ``if you asked my professional opinion, yes, Vanessa's too talented to not be on the team.

``Her gymnastics will be rewarded if she shows that powerful side in her. I'm sure that will be appreciated. She's an athlete that makes you sit up and go, `Wow, that's pretty awesome.' I marvel at her athleticism.

``She's on a comeback and couldn't pick a better time to do it. So far, she's looked great.''

--Stuff we really didn't need to know: On Thursday's episode of ESPN's ``Great Outdoor Games,'' chances are you missed watching a quartet of Border collies shatter the 16-second mark - 15.98 -in the sporting dog ``flyball'' event.

Whatever that might be.

And just so you know before Saturday's coverage of the retriever trials, ESPN points out in a press release that Barry Lyons of Pineville, La., had to make a late substitution with his entry. ``Sheet'' was sent in as a replacement for ``Dallas,'' who couldn't compete.

The reason: Two weeks before the event, she went into heat.

SOUND BYTES

WHAT SMOKES

--Remarkably, the Lakers and Portland Trail Blazers are the top choice of both Turner and NBC to start their coverage of the NBA starting next season. On opening night, which falls on Halloween, the Lakers-Blazers have a date on TBS (after it shows the 76ers-Knicks). On NBC's opener, the traditional Christmas Day doubleheader, it's again the Lakers-Blazers in the back end (after the Pacers face the Magic). As for regular-season telecasts, TNT has 52 games, NBC has 33 and TBS has 28. The Lakers make 11 appearances on NBC, plus 15 on either TNT or TBS. The Clippers? They have one national exposure - Dec. 20 vs. Minnesota on TNT.

--A big, black beard hiding the baby face of ESPN ``SportsCenter'' anchor Bob Ley. Takes some intestinal fortitude to sprout one of them things in the middle of a humid Bristol, Conn., summer.

--Monday marks the fifth anniversary of Disney announcing the acquisition of Capital Cities/ABC (which includes ABC Sports and ESPN) for $19 billion. And it's still a small world after all.

WHAT CHOKES

--The reputation of KCOP Channel 13 sportscaster Michelle Bonner. Is she really a witch to work with or are the station cameramen just a buncha oversensitive, unprofessional crybabies? The ongoing drama has taken form at Ron Fineman's Web site ``On the Record'' (www.ronfineman.com). Two weeks ago, Fineman, a local radio reporter who critiques the media, ran an item about an unnamed source who accused Bonner of being demeaning and difficult to work with. Last week, Bonner, who arrived at KCOP from Houston last summer, responded by saying `` `demeaning' is probably not the right word,'' that ``in all my experiences in the business, I have never worked with so many that don't seem to want to work'' and ``I'm not about to change my work ethic to win a popularity contest.'' So this week, two former KCOP cameramen had equally pointed responses. One, Steve Field, wondered ``how confused you must be in that pretty, bleached blonde head of yours to write such complete crap about the shortcomings of professionals whom you still must work with.'' And as for the word ``demeaning,'' ``you are often so rude and curt in your manner, I would upgrade your snottiness to `abusive','' wrote Field, who mentions that he won three local Emmy awards before he left the station as a freelancer. Fineman has asked for some pro-Bonner responses to run next week and try to balance out this saga. Don't hold your breath.

CAPTION(S):

box

Box: Sound bytes (see text)