'CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN' WELCOMES ALL, OFFENDS NONE.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

I'VE GOT NOTHING against 10,000 Maniacs or their hopeful little ditty ``These Are Days.'' In fact, I kind of liked the song when it was released 11 years ago and have tolerated its subsequent appearance on dozens upon dozens of motion picture soundtracks through the years.

Here's my point: When a movie, in the waning days of 2003, opens with such an overused song, it's like the director is taking you by the hand and assuring you, ``Come, rest weary pilgrim. There will be nothing even mildly original to disturb your peaceful slumber for the next 100 minutes.''

At least, that's the message that ``Cheaper by the Dozen'' director Shawn Levy (``Big Fat Liar'') was sending me. And indeed, ``Dozen'' delivers exactly what you would expect and maybe even want - safe, predictable and thoroughly unexceptional family entertainment of the variety that you could probably find at any time of the day or night on any number of cable television networks. Merry Christmas!

The film takes its title and premise from the old Frank Gilbreth Jr. and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey book and 1950 Clifton Webb movie about the harried parents of 12 children. The updated screenplay has the dad, Tom (Steve Martin), moving the family from the Illinois countryside (which looks strangely - with a heavy emphasis on strange - like Sonoma) to suburban Chicago so he can accept his dream job as an NCAA Division I football coach.

The kids, happy and self-absorbed as kids can be, don't approve, and things go from bad to worse when the mom, Kate (Bonnie Hunt), goes on a book tour just as Tom begins his new job. Lots of wacky episodes later, the family learns what's really important in life, although you can't help but think that if some of the older kids had been a little less selfish and whiny, things could have turned out better for their old man.

You could easily view the movie's notions of career and family as decidedly old-fashioned, but as a parent myself, I'd say they're pretty realistic, particularly given the number of children involved. ``Cheaper'' gets a few things right: the insanity and noise level of a house containing 11 kids (the oldest, played by Piper Perabo, has her own apartment) and the personal and professional sacrifices the parents would need to make in order for the family to function.

The film's greatest assets are old pros Martin and Hunt, who convey a natural and believable ease as the zookeepers, er, parents, and add their precise comic timing to material that's generally beneath them. The 12 kids are a nod to marketing demographics, including a babe (the aforementioned Perabo), a hunk (Tom Welling from ``Smallville'') and a teen star (Hilary Duff) with decidedly questionable acting abilities.

There are also the requisite number of cute and adorable children, none of whom, it should be thankfully noted, is called upon to deliver a joke about flatulence. And in the aftermath of ``The Cat in the Hat,'' every parent should be thankful for that.

Glenn Whipp, [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN - Two and one half stars

(PG: language, some thematic elements)

Starring: Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt, Hilary Duff.

Director: Shawn Levy.

Running time: 1 hr. 38 min.

Playing: Wide release.

In a nutshell: Safe, predictable and thoroughly unexceptional family entertainment made a shade more palatable by old pros Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt.

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(cover -- color) `CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN'