'CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN' WOEFULLY OUT OF TUNE.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

Utterly uninvolving when it's not just laughably dreadful, ``Captain Corelli's Mandolin'' is one of those so-serious-it's-dumb movies that thinks historical tragedy, star-crossed romance and pretty scenery is enough to make up for its lack of real drama and characters who are more than insults to stereotypes.

Shawn Slovo's screenplay, adapted from an odd but absorbingly complicated novel by Louis De Bernieres, systematically leeches anything intelligent or compelling out of the piece. The resulting film, directed by ``Shakespeare in Love's'' John Madden, reinforces the suspicion that, fun as his last movie was, the director's main contribution to it was a knack for farcical traffic control rather than an inspired take on some very good material.

Here, lacking anything remotely resembling a lively script, even Madden's minor strengths seem to have abandoned him. ``Corelli's'' has no pacing, focus or, quite noticeably, believable accents.

It should be acknowledged that Madden stepped in late in the game, after original director Roger Michell (``Notting Hill'') was sidelined by illness. And De Bernieres' story, which sprawled all over the Adriatic Sea, not to mention World War II and its aftermath, was undoubtedly a bear to boil down to movie narrative form. But these are excuses, and excuses mean nothing on the screen. Besides, even the hollowed-out shell of the story the movie retains had potential for an intriguing, intelligent tale, if thoughtfully presented.

You don't really need to know the plodding background exposition that smothers the movie's first act, except that it takes place on the lovely Greek isle of Cephallonia. It introduces us to the wise, worldly and widowed local doctor, Iannis (John Hurt in the film's only remotely good performance), his beautiful and smart daughter Pelagia (Penelope Cruz) and the illiterate local fisherman Mandras (Christian Bale), who, for lack of other options, she's betrothed herself to.

It's 1940, and Mandras joins the Greek army to go fight the occupying Italians in neighboring Albania. A year goes by with no word from the front. Then Hitler decides the Axis needs to invade Greece and Mussolini's incompetent troops aren't up to the job. After the Nazis conquer the country, they put Italy on occupation duty in the westernmost islands. Thus onto Cephallonia and into Pelagia's reluctant heart marches Capt. Corelli (Nicolas Cage).

He honchos an artillery squadron that literally can't shoot straight but, boy, can they sing Puccini. Billeted in Dr. Iannis' home (it's a medical-supplies-for-swallowing-your-disgust swap), Corelli worms his way into the antagonistic Pelagia's graces with his fine manners, well-tailored uniform, sincere romanticism and ever-so-enticing mandolin playing. And if all of this Italian caricaturing wasn't enough, Cage's accent, which sounds like some unholy spawn of Chico Marx and Topo Gigio, is grounds for Rome to recall its ambassador.

Anyway, the Italians basically party for two years while trying to make friends with the Greeks and at least one of their standoffish German comrades (David Morrissey). Then, seemingly right after Corelli finally breaks down Pelagia's defenses, Italy surrenders to the allies. The next thing you know, German Stukas are attacking both partisans and Italian emplacements, forcing Corelli and an inconveniently returned Mandras to partner up despite their romantic rivalry.

There's more incident, like an earthquake (historically accurate, but played out like yet another attempt to jolt an unengaged audience to attention). Cruz responds to this crisis with the same cranky pout she wears through every other scene in the movie. Most characters' fates, when the filmmakers can be bothered to tell us what became of them, are happier than they are in the book.

For ``Captain Corelli's Mandolin'' to truly have ended on a happy note, however, it should have been over an hour or so earlier.

``CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN''

(Rated R: violence, sex, nudity, children in jeopardy)

The stars: Nicolas Cage, Penelope Cruz, John Hurt, Christian Bale.

Behind the scenes: Directed by John Madden. Written by Shawn Slovo, based on Louis De Bernieres' novel ``Corelli's Mandolin.'' Produced by Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Kevin Loader and Mark Huffam. Released by Universal Pictures

Running time: Two hours, nine minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: One and one half stars.