'BUCKET' WON'T HOLD MANY TEARS.

Byline: GLENN WHIPP 

>FILM CRITIC

Rob Reiner's "The Bucket List" is basically "Pretty Woman" for the terminally ill, a wish-fulfillment fantasy that shamelessly panders for every throat-lump moment, getting by only because stars Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman bring a touch of class to the proceedings.

Nicholson and Freeman are basically playing themselves -- or, at least, a version of their screen personas -- in this odd-couple pairing of cancer-stricken coots who have been told they have less than a year to live. Freeman plays Carter, the wise, philosophical, working-class family man lamenting all the things he never got to do.

Nicholson is Edward Cole, a filthy rich pleasure-chaser realizing money can't buy him time.

But money can buy the boys a round-the-world trip in Cole's private jet, not to mention a pair of Shelby Mustang race cars.

These are among the things on the boys' "bucket list," an inventory of things to do before they -- you know -- kick the bucket.

For some reason, Carter's wife of 45 years (Beverly Todd) objects to her husband leaving his family to go globetrotting with a complete stranger. But how do you say no to the chance to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" to real lions? You don't, though you do think twice about that tattoo.

When I heard that the film's characters visit the Pyramids, dine out in the south of France, take in the Taj Majal and go on that African safari (among other things), I figured the perks must be why Nicholson and Freeman agreed to make the movie. (Aside from the fat paychecks, of course.)

But the pair never left the studio backlot, which makes their global jaunt feel as fake as the gloppy sentiment in rookie screenwriter Justin Zackham's script.

The film is fairly devoid of life, humor and insight for its first hour but does manage to bring out the hankies down the home stretch, thanks to what can only be described as heroic underplaying by the leads. (The mind reels at the thought of a "Bucket List" starring Robin Williams and/or Kevin Spacey.)

As it is, Freeman and Nicholson elevate Reiner's film with their presence and intelligence, making "The Bucket List" a relatively painless TV movie -- nothing you need to see before you die, but not causing any long-lasting malady, either.

THE BUCKET LIST - Two and one half stars

PG-13: language

Starring: Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman.

Director: Rob Reiner.

Running time: 1 hr. 37 min.

Playing: ArcLight in Sherman Oaks; ArcLight in Hollywood; Pacific's The Grove in Los Angeles; AMC Century 15 in Century City; Mann's Criterion in Santa Monica. Expands to a wide release on Jan. 11.

In a nutshell: A "Pretty Woman" for the terminally ill, saved only by the presence of Nicholson and Freeman.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) A terminally ill tycoon (Jack Nicholson) considers all the things he wants to do before he dies ...

(2) ... and a cancer-stricken family man (Morgan Freeman) benefits from his largess in "The Bucket List."