'BE COOL' SHOULD HAVE BEEN KEPT ON ICE.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

SELF-SATISFIED, flabby and virtually free of humor and rhythm, ``Be Cool'' is a movie that almost puts a lump in my throat thinking of director Barry Sonnenfeld.

That's how bad it is.

A sequel to ``Get Shorty,'' Sonnenfeld's breezy 1995 comedy, ``Be Cool'' feels like it was written in the mid-'90s, oblivious as it is that most of its broad humor is as dated as star John Travolta's coolness.

Sonnenfeld may not have made a really good movie since ``Get Shorty'' (though the first ``Men in Black'' was fun), but give him credit for knowing how to take writer Elmore Leonard's black humor and seedy characters and turn them into memorable screwball comedy. Everyone in ``Shorty'' wanted to be in the movies, and while some of its characters' ambitions were absurdly comical, Sonnenfeld and screenwriter Scott Frank gave the material a warm knowingness, realizing that its characters' dreams are our dreams, too.

``Be Cool,'' directed by F. Gary Gray (``The Italian Job'') and written by Peter Steinfeld (another abysmal sequel, following ``Analyze That''), doesn't have an idea in its head. Following Leonard's book of the same name, the filmmakers take former mobster Chili Palmer (Travolta) from the movies to the music industry. He's still swimming in a sea of sharks, but there's no sense of enjoyment - for him or us.

Instead, it's ``American Idol'' crossed with a very special episode of ``Beverly Hills 90210'' - the one with Luther Vandross. Let me explain. You know how often on a TV show - and all the humor in ``Be Cool'' is of a sitcom mentality - there will be a very special guest star and the characters on the show will have to blather on, before the star arrives, saying things like, ``Oh! Luther Vandross! He's the silkiest, the handsomest, a blinding, brilliant light sent STRAIGHT FROM HEAVEN!''

Well, the main plot line in ``Be Cool'' involves a Dairy Queen girl named Linda Moon (Christina Milian) who sings like an ``American Idol'' contestant and aspires to be a Recording Star. Chili wants to help, so he enlists a record label pal, Edie (Uma Thurman), to use her connections. Edie used to do Aerosmith's laundry. Could Aerosmith help? It just so happens, they've got a gig coming up at the Staples Center ...

``Tell me 'Dream On' is not the greatest rock 'n' roll record you've ever heard,'' Edie says, reducing Thurman to reading a line that could only have been written by the band's publicist.

Later, Chili, in a scene with singer Steven Tyler, helpfully explains what the band's song ``Sweet Emotion'' really means. ``It was the love you felt for your girls,'' Chili says, referring to Tyler's newborn daughters. ``That's why you wrote it.''

Not to get nit-picky or anything, but when I hear a stanza like ``Some sweat hog mama with a face like a gent / Said my get up and go musta got up and went / Well I got good news, she's a real good liar / 'Cause the backstage boogie set your pants on fire,'' I come up with a different interpretation than Chili's. But that's just me.

It should be noted that ``Be Cool'' also contains a cornucopia of cliched comic characters, including, but not limited to, Vince Vaughn playing a white man who talks and acts like a black man, The Rock portraying an untalented actor (insert your own snide comment here) and Cedric the Entertainer glowering as a gangsta rap music producer.

As for Travolta, he was coming off ``Pulp Fiction'' when he made ``Get Shorty,'' and was reveling in his rebirth, clearly excited to be offered good roles again. Ten years later, he barely seems interested - in the movie, that is. Cashing paychecks for rubbish like this has become his full- time passion.

Glenn Whipp, [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

BE COOL - One star

(PG-13: violence, sensuality and language, including sexual references)

Starring: John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Cedric the Entertainer, The Rock.

Director: F. Gary Gray.

Running time: 1 hr. 58 min.

Playing: Wide release.

In a nutshell: They could have waited another decade - at least - to make this bloated, unfunny sequel to ``Get Shorty.''